Solitudo

“The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence” - Thomas Wolfe

Transport motorways and tramlines,
Starting and then stopping, taking off and landing
The emptiest of feelings...

Probably the greatest ongoing struggle of my life has been loneliness. The longer I live the more I realize this to be a central problem common to all... We are in this world one of many... with enough unique qualities to isolate us from others. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world...who know me intimately...and yet that can only go so far... it's complicated... and we are as fundamentally similar as we are fundamentally different...

"Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved more?"

Are we ever fully understood? Are we ever truly known by another?

Isn't that the very reason we seek love? To find someone whom we deeply connect with... in an exclusive way... because it makes us feel just a little less alone... a little less like we're floating...drifting into nowhere... but of course even this will fail us.

Our greatest ache is also our greatest clue to our purpose in life...

A couple years ago I took a business trip in the middle of the week... One evening after the conference was done...I sat alone in an empty hotel room. Exhausted, restless, sleepless... i was isolated...in a city unfamiliar to me. I couldn't help but feel like life outside my window was resuming...but i wasn't at all a part of it... a part of anything...

in airports, at bus stops, in foreign countries... when we feel pain, when we see beauty...on an idle evening...

I just wanted to share the sunset with you...

I feel it most during the twilight...as each day gives way... and every now and then even as I'm surrounded by friends... in a noisy bar, in the middle of conversation...at the climax of laugther... as an unwelcomed guest...an odd interruption... out of nowhere, suddenly i lose my voice... i look away...and with an internal sigh...remember how alone i really am... how alone we are. and how severely...i want to be known.

maybe i'm homesick... for a place i've never been.

ego sum unus. me atra bilis