You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Any place is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
Me myself I got nothing to prove
You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living ....
I remember we were young driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone...
Some words from one of my favorite songs... I'm really feeling this story at the moment, I think that will have to suffice because i couldn't begin to describe the emotions it evokes within me.
I spent the weekend in Southern California and it was beautiful. I imagined I would get a lot of thinking done... truth be told I just soaked up as much of the breath taking ocean, the curvy roads through beverly hills and the busy ness of the santa monica promenade as I could... I lost myself for a while driving along the pacific coast highway.
Strangely, when I got home yesterday after a significant amount of time on the road I didn't feel the comforts of being amongst familiar surroundings. They used to greet me...
I'm a stranger in this town...
I'm still wrestling with the idea that my life might not go as I once imagined... I'm trying to reconcile this idea with hoping and dreaming again, as I once did. I don't know who I am if I'm not a dreamer... They were beautiful dreams, I was going to change the world.
I was humbled today. I sat across the dining room table from my mother this evening...and we discussed and argued a while... I have an opinion on everything, I know quite a bit...and sometimes I forget that my parents have lived a lot longer than I.... I forget that they still have worthy advice that comes from years of experience, to consider. Sometimes I forget that I don't know everything...I told my parents about some of the things that have been going on in my personal life... It's strange that it took me so long... My dad asked me what I was going to do now... and after a few moments of silence... I looked at him...and said "I don't know dad..." Somedays I feel like getting up and going for it again... so I try to do something...record, or write or just noodle on my guitar... I look through musician classified ads... I try...but can't seem to shake the feeling of failure...and discouragement... Other days I have trouble getting up in the morning.
I felt like running away today... I've been feeling that frequently. I don't know what I actually have to run away from...or what I have to run to...so it all seems quite impractical. Emotions have a way of making us do impractical things, so I fought the impulse. Truth is, I would have the same struggles if I were anywhere right now... a change of scenery rarely changes our circumstances... I think it's usually more of a metaphor... we feel an uneasyness when we're going through a storm... we feel restless within our souls...so we want to keep moving... sometimes we can't move emotionally, so we move physically...or geographically.
At the moment, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I say "at the moment" because I know tomorrow I may wake up and feel like i'm in a nike commercial... That's just it though, it's all very fleeting...unpredictable and I'm not used to this. It makes me feel uneasy.
There's got to be a practical way to find some answers...well I know there is. I'm having a hard time praying... I was determined last week to do it...to make the effort to spend real time seeking God for guidance...and for healing. But I find it's proving quite difficult. I'm not giving up...though
I just wish I could stop hurting...