Last night we had club...there were hundreds of kids in the clubroom and it was something else to worship amongst such a crowd. I cried out to God... just one voice of many... At the end of the evening people were dismissed, but several of us remained... I didn't want to move... I just wanted to talk to my God...to hear Him. I cried out to God about everything going on around me...about all the pain and brokeness in the lives of those closest to me...and in my own life. I felt the devastation of my failures all over again... and I wept. A stranger sat next to me in silence for sometime... I would later learn that he was looking for some answers as well... I could have stayed there all night, but the night wore on... The rest of the evening I was in a strange mood... I really didn't want to be social or to have fun... I wanted to continue my conversation with God... I had a lot to say.
I don't know what I learned this weekend... perhaps the lessons have yet to surface and will do so in time... It seemed many were really moved by the speaker Tim Brown. I think he had some really good things to say...but I was lost in my own head... and he didn't move me like I would have liked... There's no doubt that God changed lives at Lost canyon... but I found myself only in another wrestling match...only to be broken again...
It's often difficult to really understand this season in my life... Things could be infinitely worse, but for some reason I doubt I've ever been so heartbroken...
At brief moments I can take a step back and objectively look at everything that's occured... I can see that I'm generally in a somber mood...that I'm constantly fighting...struggling.
Nevertheless, I know that if I should know God more through all of this...even should it get worse... I suppose it will be worth it in the end. That's the only hope I have to hang on to...
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for who's sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ... I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection... Phillipians 3:8,10
Take these hands and lift them up,
For I have not the strength to praise you near enough
I have nothing, I have nothing without you.
All my soul needs is all your love to cover me
So all the world can see, I have nothing without you.
I woke up this morning in the same mood as the night before... I was so completely engulfed in my own thoughts I could hardly pay attention to anything going on around me. We had club and communion, but I left before the latter... Somewhere in the middle of the speakers message I walked out feeling like I wanted to be alone. I walked for a while with my eyes opened to the wonder of the enormous hills of pine trees... Then massive clouds rolled in and with a sudden crackle of thunder it began to pour... I found cover on the 2nd story balcony of our cabin and watched in wonder as the storm blanketed the camp...
It was cold, rainy and i was completely alone... but it was beautiful...
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