So Much More Than Nostalgia....

I sat in silence at the close of another day...

sometimes we feel things far too complex to sufficiently put to words...even though a picture is worth a thousand of them...often even a photo won't do.

One mild evening maybe a year ago, I recall driving through a retirement community just down the street from where i live... It's a road that essentially loops in semi circle and the houses are among golf courses and small man made lakes; my favorite thing about it is the residential speed limit... On this particular night I happened to catch a glimpse of a light in someones living room... they had left their drapes up and i could see through the windows of their house...it was delicately yellow and I imagined it was a reading light...I could also make out a small recliner nearby... and as strange as that might sound...this strangely simple sight...well it made me feel things...that transcend description...

Tonight it was the skies...that made me apprehensive to move... and so i waited, motionless and allowed myself to...feel.

The skies were a milky pink and purple..like the remnant puddle left after a bowl of colored cereal has been consumed.
i couldn't see where the pink ended and the purple began... it was a perfect swirl as far as the eye could see...
The sun was on it's way down... and i opted to look to the east... favoring this view over the actual sunset.

as i sat there like a stone... i felt so many things all at once... I had a hundred different bits and pieces of memories that spanned from just a year ago to my early childhood... nothing comprehensive, but very scattered portions..of sights, smells, sounds and even emotions... i felt like had been here before, like i was young again, like i missed something, i felt that i had recognized this very backdrop the very colors and weather... and i felt that time has been moving much too quickly... all of these feelings amagalmated into a soft melancholy perched at the edge of my soul... and i ached...

Of course I really attempt in vain to capture this moment with my words... These are the moments that we feel, but we can't really begin to articulate... they are far too rich and deep and complex... and we only struggle to understand them...but at the heart of them...i think there is a profound longing...for life as it was meant to be... for something so much more than I have...or could ever have... more than i could be... really, more than i could imagine with every ounce of creativity that i have...

perhaps it's a recognition that i'm so very far from really being at home...