Light is quickly fading along a horizon I cannot see due to the enormous hills surrounding me. The skies are dark blue with random streaks of pink, from sparse clouds that are soaking up what few rays of light the sun has to offer today. The moon sits high above me, shyly glowing, merely a speck like a shimmering pearl lost in the ocean... it's cold and another day is turning over... My time here is up, but the beauty I simply can't seem to part with.
At times like these, the rare moments of peace, tranquility and beauty I usually feel a longing... a longing for someone to share it with... but somehow, right now I feel just fine in my solitude...
Since my last boring entry, I took a walk, then a nap and then ordered room service. Shortly thereafter I read through a few chapters of "This Beautiful Mess," by Rick McKinley, I've more or less stayed within the comforts of my comfy room. In "This Beautiful Mess," the author suggests that the Kingdom of God is partially here with us, now. But not in the New Age, Sedonan, healing crystals sort of way... Rather that the wheels of arrival are turning. He sites the scripture where Jesus said "the Kingdom is within you"(translated more accurately as, in the midst/among you) to the Pharisees who were asking about Heaven... McKinnely takes that to mean that perhaps Jesus was saying the Kingdom's arrival, the process is underway post His coming to this earth. The author discusses how there is evidence of this everyday...and then evidence to the contrary...that life is far from the way things were meant to be and will one day be...we live confronted by this paradox, daily... that is the beautiful mess.
I had trouble sleeping last night. I tossed and turned and didn't find sleep to come until about 5 am. I felt anxious..I've been having this haunting thought that perhaps the last several years of my life, the time I spent pursuing my music have been meandered... Like I've wasted a good chunk of my life. Rationally, I know that God works all things for the good... so it's a matter of this truth really sinking in that I'm struggling with. That scripture is so beautiful by the way. I'm also struggling a great deal with my relational failures. It still hurts, and I asked God last night, why it still caused me so much pain. I had a real honest prayer last night, more of a wrestling match with God... I expressed everything I felt, the good the bad and the ugly... I need to do that more often.
I just received a phone call from a friend who lives in New York. She left Phoenix 5 years ago to pursue play writing and production... she relates to my feelings of defeat and uncertainty. Life is just flying by us all isn't it, and somehow I'm still asking what it means to be alive.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out to serve God... like whether I am really able and willing to sacrifice. Whether I'm really prepared to follow Him...whether I'm good enough. Most days I feel like I'm not. I feel like the hugest failure this side of heaven... and I feel like an enormous mess of a person and that I have little to offer anybody. I'm only good at self destructing...and running away... I'm a pro at that.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose..." Romans 8:28