unresolved

The last few weeks have run together in a blur... like a water colour painting...(at least under my direction) each day filled with strokes of runny hues... and so i feel as if i've lived through a lengthy week though it's in fact only tuesday. As strange as this might sound i feel a bit of pain creeping up with every day that ends...like i'm losing something i can't ever have back...

Nevertheless, it's my favorite moment of day, right now... to sit, still. it's quiet, tuesday's done..and twilight will soon be here and as swiftly be gone.

I feel excitement for the future... for the unknown... but an equal amount of sorrow for the past... that i can never regain. There is no re writing it... i must be ok with redemption. But I lost bits and pieces of myself along the way... some are good at forgetting what is behind... i have always struggled with that. i guess i just want to know that i have truly learned from it...so as not to repeat it's mistakes. my mistakes. at the same time there is something intrinsically tragic about life passing by... and all the countless moments that have gone... that have been reduced to imperfect memories... gone...gone with the wind.

I'm kicking a habit now that i have long held on to...although most days it feels like it's kicking me...

I keep hearing the word loneliness... several times yesterday...and a few times today from different people who have very independent struggles. today a 30 something young lady expressed how at the end of the day she feels so alone...despite her friends, her successful career, her dreams... it is truly inescapable... at times we can soothe it for the moment, at times we can paint over it with laughter... at times we can even convince ourselves it doesn't exist... but then again at times it waylays us all.

I am looking over the city as it dissipates into nothing more than silhouettes...under the dipping sun... it seems all so transient like it hardly exists at all... without the light all things are merely shadows...phantoms... matter taking up space. I can't help but wonder about all that is going on in every home, vehicle, single room apartment... hospital, airplane... where ever...is not this world filled with despair?

i say a general prayer for the broken tonight... for the lost... for the hopeless.

I wonder how Christ felt as he withdrew from the crowds...i can picture Him looking over the towns from a distance... I wonder what He felt...what words might be used to describe that. He was hope incarnate, the only solution...and yet He must have known that there were so many even He could not save...

It's nearly dark now... evening lamps have turned on throughout the plaza...and drivers have turned on their headlights to navigate through the darkly streets... but still i feel unresolved... and so i'll leave this blog in a similar state... without resolution...