Just venting

An interesting week it's been... I had some rough moments...and in the end found God again...and again... in varying ways. He doesn't always speak to us in the ways we'd like Him to...or in ways we expect...in fact i think that's most often the case...but He's around...nevertheless.

Today was a bit of a challenge... I fought off boredom at the store and felt pretty alone for most of the day. It was a long work day due to a delivery after i closed shop... but i'm getting used to the work schedule...which worries me a bit. I used to be so discontented with working at 9-5... it was the artistic, free spirit within that disliked the idea of a shirt and tie. but what are you gonna do?

I talked to my mom tonight... and it made me pretty sad. She was talking about my dad aging... he'll be 70 years old on monday... that's about as old as some of my friends grandparents. My mom was talking about what she would do financially if he should pass... i hate that topic... but it's one that we must deal with i suppose.

I know i'd take care of my mom... there are no two ways about it... I'm just not sure how my life will look then... it still shakes me at times to think that my life might turn out nothing like i once imagined it to be... i guess i'm ok with it. This life is so temporary...i have to remind myself of that daily.

In the closing chapters of "The Journey of Desire," Elderedge continues to discuss the idea that we cannot arrange for life here on earth... not arbitrarily at least. But that's so difficult a concept, really. We almost can't help ourselves..at every turn I attempt to arrange for life as I see fit... from the minute frivolous details to the major... everyday i try to make the life i desire...

I still don't know what i'm going to do with my life...

The couple i delivered a bed to tonight was watching their grand daughter...i guessed her age to be 3 and I was correct. Her name was Caitlin, and her grandparents described her as quite precocious... but she was pretty adorable and made me smile... i must be getting old...

Life is really difficult... i never grow weary of saying that...because it's so true.

I don't like the thought of my dad passing away...but i know it's inevitable.

He's going in on monday to get followup CT scan because in the last one the doctors thought they saw something on his liver... so prayers would be much appreciated...

i've been quite fortunate overall to have 2 loving parents for much of my life...
i'm just not sure that i'm anywhere near ready to losing one of them... life is short...it's a fragile child... a delicate menagerie... a feather, a spider web... a sunset.

I have had my share of struggles this year... mostly emotional battles of disappointments and heart break... broken hopes... and i've been dealing...God has been seeing me through and speaking to me...

but today... if i'm real honest...i just felt tired of fighting.

i still need God to show up each day... i need Him so desperately. i guess there's beauty in that.

i'll close this entry with a sincere thank you to my dear friends, you know who you are...who have been here for me in your own ways, the best that you could.