Good times.

I think I've been trying to do too much over the weekends...I do this because during the week I feel tethered to a sensless job, and on weekends I am able to do things I enjoy...or things that really matter to me. I guess I just described most of middle America.

But there just isn't enough time... I feel this always.

In heaven, we won't be constrained in this manner. We'll sit with one another, share a meal, talk and fill each other with laughter...while never feeling the urge to check our wrists or think about where we have to be next... and I'll never again say or hear the words: "it's getting late." I will never again feel that soft melancholy whisper to my soul that an evening drive to Prescott, or a quiet conversation on the beach, or a rare night out with old friends has ended too soon...

Imagine, no more early morning appointments following a late night.

I feel a bit anxious today...Truth be told, I've felt this way for the last month. I took about a 70% pay cut, because business has been very poor. We will be closing shop at the end of April, but until then, I have to try and clear out our inventory, only nobody seems to want to spend money right now... After my bills are paid, I have next to nothing... and yet I'm finding it difficult to adjust my lifestyle accordingly...

Been runnin' up my plastic -Aimee Allen

I will say that being relatively poor does alter your perception a bit. I can't express just how grateful I was, when Cliff took me out to dinner last night. Or when he wrote me a small check for money he owed me...which I used to fill up my truck this morning. I appreciated these, I really did.

I guess in it and through it...I can thank God, not necessarily for my empty bank account because that'd just be ridiculous... but because even through this situation I know that I will again learn something beautiful...

something about Him and how I can be more like His Son...

And if there's one thing I've learned in the last year...it's that not a moment of our struggles, not a tear, not a restless night... is ever wasted...

Because He lives.

Chocolate Lessons.

The store was slow, so I headed over to a local convenience store to pick up a couple of bars of Lindt Excellence extra dark chocolate. It's about 70 percent pure cocoa, which is potent in antioxidants and less artificial sweeteners/refined sugars.

I was reading the last few pages of Blue Like Jazz and though I had long ago read this book, I neglected to actually finish it because Don Miller meandered on how the pot smoking hippies he lived with for a time (a refrence from Through Painted Deserts) were more loving than his Christian community. Nevertheless, I found myself in tears as I finished out the book...

As I was enjoying my chocolate, I found two very different ways of consuming it. The first was closest to my natural inclination, to put a square in my mouth and chew it until the salivary amylase broke down the components...this provided an immediate release of flavor, but it was gone before I knew it. The second method was to place a segment on my tongue and allow it to melt from the 98 degree enclosure of my mouth...I found this to be a bit difficult because the food would feel rough and tasteless for a small amount of time... and then it would start to give way and over the course of a few minutes it melted to a rich velvet...

I had a discussion with a client of mine yesterday about instant gratification versus the delayed variety... Ravi Zacharias once said that there were two types of pleasures in this life, the kind you pay for before hand or the kind you pay for afterwards. I have always struggled with this...

Last night at Club, Dr. Kelley talked about sex... I think he's an excellent communicator and talks to the students with great accessibility like they are actually people, real people and like he's a real person, not another untouchable, high priest behind a pulpit.

Sex is a natural topic that emerges when we discuss gratification. It is one I've struggled with for most of my life... I have always been one to chew the chocolate. As a result, I'm a pretty broken person.

I started to think about life though... whether I chew it up or let it melt away... We are infinite beings in a temporal world... time is always of the essence...and so I've been thinking maybe we tend to feel rushed...but in the wrong way.

I advocate making good use of our time... as the Apostle Paul wrote, "because the days are evil." But perhaps we define what that should look like very differently... or rather we let this crazy society of ours define it for us...

I once heard a quote from a famous somebody who said "Keeping busy is wasting time..."

Why are we so busy? I find that there is little time in my life apart from work. But Jesus made so much time to "break bread" and party with people. And though there was wine served, I doubt they played beer pong and talked about sports or celebrity gossip... I'd imagine they talked...really talked, about life, God and the Kingdom, you know stuff that matters ...and I bet Jesus listened intently and then had radical things to say... Based on the gospels, it appears Jesus spent a great deal of his life preaching, healing the sick, praying and then hanging out with people.

I dunno, I've been thinking about the things that drive us... the seemingly inoccuous conventions of modern life. I have to wonder if Jesus would have put in extra hours at work to buy a larger house, a new car, the latest Ipod, a luxurious vaction..or whether He thought those things might be rather silly. I know, these things aren't intrinsically bad, and I I really enjoy my Ipod, but I'm starting to think they cost us more than money. They cost us our time, which is limited and passing us quickly... they take us away from people that need us...from the deep conversations we need to have with others... from tending to orphans and widows... from praying for others... from loving...they are costing us our very lives... I'm trying to picture Jesus at the sandal store... considering how many more hours he would have to work in order to afford the latest pair of sandals you know, the kind that make you feel like you're walking on water... I just don't see it happening.

"I want to break free" - Queen

Truth is I'm growing tired of what feels like an endless rat race. I'm tired of feeling like I constantly need to upgrade... my computer, my car, my wardrobe, my socioeconomic status.... I'm tired of trading in my time for these things because they take away time I might spend in loving others... in loving God...

hmm....

We are experiencing a "cold front" this week, the result of tornado winds that blew in Sunday afternoon. Ok I'm being dramatic, but It was quite windy. Louie, Jerry and I were trying to throw a small football at their parents house on Sunday and it was nothing short of ridiculous; the gusts of wind paid little attention to our aim...The only thing more ridiculous was the three of us trying to fly Jerry's red, styrofoam, remote control plane at the park. Dwarf football, red toy plane and 3 grown men...we must have looked awfully silly, but the laughter, I wouldn't trade for much.

So it's not really cold, I mean it's colder, but not necessarily cold and so spring is undeniably in progress. I know this because I've been sneezing the last couple of days. We were blessed with some rainfall this winter and it was just lovely, but now we're paying for it in histamine reactions. Although it feels really good to sneeze sometimes, it makes me feel alive.

Last week was long...and heavy, but I found God continually communicating to me.

I'm still very unsure about the future. It's frustrating at times, but I came to some realizations over the weekend. In general terms, I know that I am still far from truly surrending.

Sometimes we seek God for answers and yet He appears to be silent. We wait and wait...but we hear nothing. I've started to wonder though, if I'm really the one doing the waiting... I've asked God about what my next steps should be because I'm really so unsure, but the question I am forced to ask myself is: "Do I really want to hear what God has to say?" I mean I feel like I really do and on most days I can convince myself that I would absolutely follow through... but if God told me an answer that wasn't appealing to me...am I really surrendered enough to trust Him? Maybe God's been waiting on me?

When I pray for an answer, do I want God to agree with me? Or am I ready to agree with Him no matter the cost?

Message received...

Today is the first day of the year that I am without a sweater or extra layer of clothing. I sit at work, with the front and back doors wide open, allowing the balmy air to flow through the store. I feel good, really good and I must say I like it, the feeling good part.

I read through 2 Peter last night which opens with the idea that God has "given us all things that pertain to Godliness," and that this would equip us to fulfill the call to live a life of virtue.

This morning I made it through some chapters in 1 John which spends it's pages expressing the idea of striving to live a holy life, and not loving the conventions of the world...then I listened to a podcast from Chip Ingram on my way to work about finding the right motivation for change. Chip states that guilt and selfish ambition were common motivators for people, but were ineffective.

When I arrived at work, I found an email forward from my cousin Kathy about finding the blessings behind things we generally complain about. For instance:

"I am thankful for the parking spot I find at the far end of the lot, because it means I am capable of walking."

And now, I feel the beginnings of spring, the warmth of sun against my skin...

I guess I've itemized these tiny happenings to suggest maybe, they are all speaking to me today. And though I'm not quite sure how it all comes together or what it might be that God is trying to communicate, I find comfort in the fact that they were expressed in the first place...

What I wouldn't give to go for a hike right now...! I am thankful for being alive to enjoy a day like this.

Hard times by Eastmountainsouth

I came across this song from a rather obscure folk duo. It's a lovely tune, pure in sound with lyrics that remind me of an old classic poem. It's speaking to me now.

Let us pause in life's pleasures and count its many tears
while we all sup sorrow with the poor
there's a song that will linger forever in our ears
oh, hard times come again no more

'tis a song… a sigh of the weary
hard times… hard times come again no more
many days you have lingered around my cabin door
oh… hard times come again no more

while we seek mirth and beauty
and music light and gay
there are frail ones fainting at the door
though their voices are silent
their pleading looks will say
oh, hard times come again no more

'tis a song… a sigh of the weary
hard times... hard times come again no more
many days you have lingered around my cabin door
oh, hard times come again no more

'tis a sigh that is wafted across the troubled wave
'tis a wail that is heard upon the shore
'tis a dirge that is murmured around the lowly grave
oh, hard times come again no more...

Leaving Prescott

Light is quickly fading along a horizon I cannot see due to the enormous hills surrounding me. The skies are dark blue with random streaks of pink, from sparse clouds that are soaking up what few rays of light the sun has to offer today. The moon sits high above me, shyly glowing, merely a speck like a shimmering pearl lost in the ocean... it's cold and another day is turning over... My time here is up, but the beauty I simply can't seem to part with.

At times like these, the rare moments of peace, tranquility and beauty I usually feel a longing... a longing for someone to share it with... but somehow, right now I feel just fine in my solitude...

Since my last boring entry, I took a walk, then a nap and then ordered room service. Shortly thereafter I read through a few chapters of "This Beautiful Mess," by Rick McKinley, I've more or less stayed within the comforts of my comfy room. In "This Beautiful Mess," the author suggests that the Kingdom of God is partially here with us, now. But not in the New Age, Sedonan, healing crystals sort of way... Rather that the wheels of arrival are turning. He sites the scripture where Jesus said "the Kingdom is within you"(translated more accurately as, in the midst/among you) to the Pharisees who were asking about Heaven... McKinnely takes that to mean that perhaps Jesus was saying the Kingdom's arrival, the process is underway post His coming to this earth. The author discusses how there is evidence of this everyday...and then evidence to the contrary...that life is far from the way things were meant to be and will one day be...we live confronted by this paradox, daily... that is the beautiful mess.






I had trouble sleeping last night. I tossed and turned and didn't find sleep to come until about 5 am. I felt anxious..I've been having this haunting thought that perhaps the last several years of my life, the time I spent pursuing my music have been meandered... Like I've wasted a good chunk of my life. Rationally, I know that God works all things for the good... so it's a matter of this truth really sinking in that I'm struggling with. That scripture is so beautiful by the way. I'm also struggling a great deal with my relational failures. It still hurts, and I asked God last night, why it still caused me so much pain. I had a real honest prayer last night, more of a wrestling match with God... I expressed everything I felt, the good the bad and the ugly... I need to do that more often.

I just received a phone call from a friend who lives in New York. She left Phoenix 5 years ago to pursue play writing and production... she relates to my feelings of defeat and uncertainty. Life is just flying by us all isn't it, and somehow I'm still asking what it means to be alive.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out to serve God... like whether I am really able and willing to sacrifice. Whether I'm really prepared to follow Him...whether I'm good enough. Most days I feel like I'm not. I feel like the hugest failure this side of heaven... and I feel like an enormous mess of a person and that I have little to offer anybody. I'm only good at self destructing...and running away... I'm a pro at that.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose..." Romans 8:28

Prescott

On a whim, late yesterday afternoon I decided to drive up to Prescott. I ended up booking a hotel room and staying the night, and I'm still here. Not sure what prompted me to make the trip, especially alone, but I'm glad I decided to. I guess I wanted different surroundings, I wanted to do some reading without the normal background noise I've grown so accustomed to. I wanted to think and talk to God with less of the common distractions. I wanted to feel alone, because I was in fact alone for a change...

Anyway, I chose about the perfect time to make the drive...I only wish I had a camera (not on my phone) to capture some of the sights. The sun was setting when I got into the mountains somewhere around Yernell and I was surrounded by some breathtaking views. Honestly, I had trouble keeping my eyes on the road...I love how the hills change colors as the sun sets...first from brown to red and then to a regal purple. Being Sunday afternoon, traffic was light...actually it was lighter than light. At one point on highway 89, I was able to walk out onto the middle of the freeway; there wasn't a soul around for miles...I found only complete silence, with the exception my shoes crackling against the lonely asphalt. Here's a poor photo I took with my phone camera- I was standing more or less on a yellow line...


It's a two way road with a highway speed limit...I think I've always wanted to be able to do this...but for no deep reason. I think I could have taken a short nap right there, completely undisturbed. There was just vastness, a wide open desert, no signs of life...no clutter...just complete serenity.

At the moment, I'm sitting in my hotel room after having had lunch at a local B.B.Q place in downtown Prescott, it was pretty delicious...pulled pork, cold slaw and mash potatoes, it was very homemade and very fulfilling.

I'll be heading home shortly so I should enjoy what hours I have left here... I think I might just sit on the patio (yeah the rooms are pretty nice), light up a cigarette, sip some coffee and maybe do a little reading before I start the drive back into the city... I really like this town.

From Where You Are, by Lifehouse

So far away from where you are,
These miles have torn us worlds apart.
And I miss you,
Yeah, I miss you.

So far away from where you are,
Standing underneath the stars,
And I wish you were here.

I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face.
I miss all the little things,
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me...
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here.

I feel the beating of your heart,
I see the shadows of your face.
Just know that wherever you are...
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here...

This world has torn us miles apart....

I'm all smiles today.

Rough day, but nevermind that...

This morning, as soon as I opened the store a woman came in, wearing skimpy gym apparell... bearing cleavage that revealed tattoos of a couple of red cherries on her ha ha's. Regretful, drunken night in mexico? I think so... It was hard not to laugh a little... Then at the close of my day...I had a Sikh gentleman come in and try to read my fortune... I wanted to ask him if he could guess what my answer would be...but I held my tongue. :)

"And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

Away

In a recent sermon, Mark Driscoll spoke briefly on the social phenomenon that coffee shops have created. People gather under one roof, to sip caffeine, plug into an ipod and read a book, thumb through a magazine or to bury themselves in a laptop… to be among the illusion of company, but wanting to remain without. Together to be alone, perhaps.

I’m at a coffee shop, not an overpopulated Starbucks, but a chain coffee shop nonetheless… sitting among only a few people, wanting to be alone, but I suppose not too alone. I’m hoping to ease the heaviness in my soul, as I have done so many times before, through a series of words, but as always not sure that I have all that much to say.

It’s warm enough today for me to sport only a t-shirt (and jeans silly) and I find the cover of shade to be a welcomed companion. It’s a fabulous day, a preview of spring and I feel an urge to make most of the day, and equally that sitting in silence might just achieve that…but I’m not sure. I think I'm looking for something...I always am.

Sometimes I dream of running off to somewhere much quieter than here. I’d like to find myself far from the crackling of motorbikes, the screech of halting SUV’s and the voice of a rising metropolis, straining to be heard…away from all the clamor of television and movies, and the constant stream of three minute pop songs about love lost, sung by whiney adolescents…I want to get far away from the prodigious conglomerates of our free market economy, that provide the infrastructure for millions of busy families headed nowhere fast. I want to get away from all the hollowed promises of happiness offered by the manufacturers of sodas, furniture and over priced clothing…I want to escape from the pride of tall buildings and the placid, suburban communities, populated only by carbon copy floor plans; away from man made lakes and the ambient glow of power grids; I want to get away from all the other wandering, faceless people who often serve only as a reminder of how alone I am… I want to get away from all the suffocating ideas circling my mind… the noise that seems ubiquitous.

and I want to find quiet, a moment to rest...a moment to breathe.