Here I go again...

i'm reading 3 different books at the moment...

The Journey of Desire, The Grand Weaver and In A Pit With A Lion on a Snowy Day - which Tim left me before he went back to China. Each one touches on related topics... as a result I am kind of getting the respective ideas a bit mixed up. Plus my dusty memory doesn't help.

I believe it's John Elderidge in The Journey of Desire that talks about how men fear most failing in the marketplace...and women most in relationships. It's part of the curse as a result of the fall.

At this point, I've failed in both arenas... and since I emphasize a great deal on both relationships and vocational success...i'm quite devastated. I guess that's why this season's been so difficult. I also feel like I've been left to deal with all of this on my own...and that's proving to be pretty tough at times.

I started wondering today if i chose the wrong road... you see during my second year of college when i was all of 19, I decided to leave school to pursue my dreams... I started an internship at a recording studio, and got some guys together to start a band... that was many years ago... and now i'm 26 and pretty darn lost. It just went by so quickly...it seems like yesterday that I was so excited...bright eyed...and wet behind the ears... I'm watching my closest friends go off and do their things...and I'm still trying to make money with my guitar. I had the thought today about going on a pilgrimage... maybe move from one place to another for indefinite amounts of time... in an attempt to find myself again... I like the idea, but we'll see if I can come up with at least a loose plausible plan for it.

Anyway, I was seriously wondering if I should have stayed in school... and like so many of my friends, seen the world.. Taken a summer to backpack through Europe, or study abroad... or go into ministry, missionary work?

Taylor made me take a personality quiz today... to no suprise it categorized me as an "artist." I thought the questions were pretty ridiculous... here's a part of the results.

You are an ARTIST (DIAF)— creative, adventurous, and deep. Although you are an introvert, your dominant ideas lead you to assert yourself often— especially through your work. You actively put your creativity to constructive use, and because you are ruled by your heart you are less likely to be inhibited by logic.

You have an intuitive understanding of emotion and know how evoke it in others, but the real world can be a prison of foolishness and embarrassment if you don't get your head out of the clouds a little more. Also, you are 87% likely to write poetry. Please, for the love of God, stop now.

I love that last bit about poetry...

I'll be headed to Los Angeles this weekend with a friend... just to get away. I really can't afford it, but as they say, sometimes when you only have a dime to your name you should go get your shoes shined...I think it'll be nice to get away. I'm just afraid I'll have little to come home to... I'm not only afraid to hope right now...if i'm honest...i'm really afraid of the next shoe dropping, so to speak... the next change that might come my way... although at some point the tide has to turn...and change will be a good and welcomed thing...