I'm reading a book called "The Grand Weaver" by Ravi Zacharias. He opens the book with an illustration of Indian dress makers... In New Dehli where Ravi is from there are highly sophisticated wedding gowns which are hand made usually by a father- son team. The Father has the design in mind, only he knows how it will all turn out, and the son follows his lead carrying out intricate tasks which in turn culminate to form something beautiful. The son of course has no real concept of how his work will contribute to the piece of art... but trusts his father... I like this idea, I just can't feel it right now.
I drove for a while today just around my neighborhood... I was hoping to catch a podcast on my ipod that would bring me some comfort...but this I did not find. Nothing seems to speak to me at this moment... I'm not sure why God seems so silent of course it could be that I'm not listening. who knows?
Ravi's book is about how the events in our lives are a means of shaping us and our destinies. I wonder to what end this season will lead.
My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on, if i can't find you?
I was doing a little better the last few days... but today it's been a little hard to breathe again...i'm thirsting for air...
I drove up to prescott this past weekend... because i dreamed of the cool, brisk mountain air... i imagined what it would feel like to fill my lungs... it was satisfying, but only momentarily. Before long, the pragmatic brought me back out of fantasy land and into the valley... But it was beautiful up there...the drive was surreal... I think I'll be going up there again soon.
Everyday, I find examples of peoples lives who are far harder than my own... i'm not exactly imprisioned simply for my belief in Christ...or dying of some degenerative disease...or wheelchair bound...and yet all this just seems so distant....abstract... and it doesn't move me like i would like it to. I guess it won't simply be the realization that life is difficult all around that will save me from my own despair... it will taking nothing less than God moving. Whether He moves the mountains in my way...or moves me from the hills.
I have a great deal of turmoil within... it taints everything I see, touch, taste... I have this deep pain that keeps me up at night...that keeps me seeking company because i'm afraid of being alone... but company runs out...relationships change, conversations wear thin... everything in my life right now is so transient...and i'm anything but solid myself... i'm in a Seurat painting...dissolving into the background.
alas, tomorrow is a new day.