Usually I write with a degree of intention. Most often, with a heaviness in my heart or several specific thoughts in my head, which I feel the need to ponder further; writing provides a medium... this evening, I find myself writing because it serves as a form of company. I know it sound a bit odd, perhaps even a bit sad and I don't expect anyone to relate to this...but it is a true description of how i feel at the moment. So I can't promise much of a read since I feel anything, but grounded by purpose...in fact, something as light as this evenings chilly breeze could probably direct and redirect the substance of this blog...
I feel sort of like a zombie these days. A headless zombie if those should exist. Well, i am talking about zombies afterall...so there aren't really any "rules" :) So i'm a headless one, riding a unicorn, hunting fire breathing dragons... with a small company of elves...? sure why not.
Zombie...? what do i mean by that? Well, I'm not doing anything with any amount of passion. I work, keep myself entertained until bed time, and then work again. The small group and younglife are both things that I feel are important and significant, but passionate about it, I dunno. I am doing the best I can with the group... I care about the guys and have every desire to be diligent in this area... but am I passionate about it? not so sure. It doesn't excite me like rock n' roll... but nothing does.
At the same time, I feel pretty much stuck here for the moment. I've been in a holding pattern for months... waiting to hear from God... impatient, most of the time...but not really hearing anything even resembling an answer about where I should be headed... it's frustrating to say the least... and somehow I feel more exhausted than I ever have felt, in my entire life...(of course there have been other factors). Nevertheless, it seems as though for the moment, for the season, I may have to just wait...in vocational stagnation... but sometimes "waiting" feels so daunting a task. Ok, actually it's most often.
The thing is, I pretty much suck at it. That's why I appreciate things like the microwave and instant coffee so much, toaster strudles...Granted, we're an entire generation raised on such luxuries...(little did we know they could hurt us). To add insult to injury I'm definitely on the passionate side of human personalities...so i'm a ball of impatience at times. But i wait...
I just finished talking to Tim online... and through nothing he said directly, I thought about how many people i've met over the years. Perhaps thousands? And how sad it is that the vast majority of them are entirely insignificant (pragmatically speaking) to me (and I to them) in terms of our respective lives, today. For one reason or another, a relationship wasn't born...nurtured or built... and our lives just moved right along...
To take this further, we could look to friendships...many have come, many have gone...over the years, and this will continue to occur. I used to really hate the idea of certain friendships being very temporary... i mean i know: bigger picture, all friendships are...(due to death and sin),but what I mean is there are people that enter our lives and provide a function for a short time...and then for whatever reason... they are gone...relationships change...
It's a tragedy of life i think... because it speaks of how everything is so very fleeting... and I don't use the word "tragedy" lightly.
And yet, those relatively short moments can make an eternity of a difference...we can play extraordinary roles in another persons life even if for only a fragment of time... and perhaps the impact can be as significant in the grand scheme of things, as some lifelong friendships. And I suppose that's the poetry of it.
Now I don't think a touch of beauty redeems an intrinsically sad reality...not entirely or even close.... no more than a drop of red ink would turn a tub of water completely ruby... but I guess it would blend into the colorless fluid and create a faint pink...so as to ease the pain just a little.
I will always struggle with this because I'm extremely relational by nature...I want to keep every one of my friendships and continue to build on those relationships...but I guess I'm learning or beginning to accept certain realities...at least while we're here on earth...
methinks heaven will be vastly different with regards to relationships... I truly hope so.
I'm strangely tired, so I guess I'll leave it at that...I promise I'll write with more of a point tomorrow. :)
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