And that was vegas...

We started pretty dam early this morning. Tim was too dam late getting up :) so we left phoenix around 7 a.m. And then we went from one dam thing to another.
Ok that was horrible. Here is Hoover Dam in all of it's glory.


Here are Timothy and E in the Chrysler Sebring.



Viva Las Vegas, and we actually listened to Elvis in the Car.



Treasure Island on the Strip.



We had lunch at Caesars Palace upon arrival. Then Elliot went for a walk around the Strip, Tim took a nap in the car and I...well, I found the Poker tables. It was very enjoyable as usual and I left with a good chunk of change :) But of course no camera's aloud in the Poker room so you'll have to take my word for it.

We took a stop at Starbucks for internet access and some coffee...


It's just before 5 pm and the sun is starting to set on the desert...and Vegas will really come to life...but we're off to Idaho I think...which we will just be passing through on our way to Seattle, WA, I'm very excited. So far we're all going on very little sleep, but having a blast. 2 hours of sleep last night and I'm still up because it's mighty difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position, anyway, more to come! Oh and check Tim's blog (freakngenius) for other updates!

The day is done...

6 a.m. day after Christmas
I'll throw some clothes on in the dark.
The smell of cold, car seat is freezing
the world is sleeping, I am not... Ben Folds

Advent

I feel strangely numb. This time last year i was a well of emotions... and for the moment I feel "comfortably numb." I never imagined I'd ever have a chance to reference Pink Floyd in any of my blogs :)

It's quiet, and officially Christmas now. Just about half past 1 a.m. and exactly how one would imagine this time of this particular day to be... completely serene...cold, frozen...calm. And yet since i haven't laid my head down on my pillow yet, I'm convinced that it still remains the eve of...

I've been having difficult dreams the last few days so I sort of don't want to sleep... though my eyes grow heavier by the moment i'm fighting it with all I have.

It still doesn't feel like Christmas...everyone I have talked to today and even late this evening can relate. This year has been quite interesting to say the least...and I wonder if there's been just that much change, all around.

I'm not sure what it is I want to feel...what i'm waiting for, what i'm missing... If I did, perhaps I could do something to evoke this apparently mysterious sentiment...or at least something closely resembling it...but I really don't know. I know that I feel empty and I feel quite ambivalent about feeling empty. I know that I miss Christmas last year and that it just couldn't be more different today...

If I'm honest, it feels like just another day, just another late evening...but that just can't be right. Selah.

Over two millenia ago, God came to us in the form of a vulnerable Child, because we, left to ourselves had made such a great mess of everything. He came to us in a way that we might relate to Him...because we could not reach Him otherwise. He came to us. He came to us...

And so, despite my disappointments about how different and hollow this Christmas feels to me... I am confronted by this powerful truth...

He came to us...

"Unto us a Son is given, unto us a child is born."

Xmas Eve

It's Christmas eve, day... I must be one of the few people working today... well, I saw the garbage truck this morning in our neighborhood... and then there was the Fed EX guy I ran into in the store parking lot. I asked him how he was doing and he asked me the same...we both smiled with a level of understanding since we're at work when much of the country is not... :) The poor mall people are still working...and of course our soldiers both domestic and overseas... our public servants, like police officers and firefighters, paramedics... and gas station clerks...oh here comes mr. mailman too. So here's to all the people hard at work during the holidays.

I don't really feel "Christmasy" this year. Though I've been in Arizona for over a decade now, it has always struck me as strange to see blue skies, green plants and people wearing short sleeves during this time of year. Nevertheless, it's a beautiful morning... and I'm in good spirits. I've been having some great mornings... the afternoons and evenings are a different story, but the mornings I've been looking forward to :)

Tim (the best friend) is here from Korea, so i've been spending every waking moment with him since he got in on Friday. As evidenced in my blogs this year, I've been feeling more and more estranged here in my home of over a decade... with Tim here it feels a little more like familiar.

So on Wednesday morning, Elliot, Tim and I will begin our journey... Roadtrippin'!
We'll begin with a 5 hour drive to Las Vegas! We'll probably have lunch and spend a few hours at the poker tables (no limit holdem' of course). Then we'll be off, up to the North, seeing more of Nevada than I ever have, through Idaho (i've never been)to our second destination about 18 hours later: Seattle, Washington. The following day we'll head down the Golden state, to Fresno to meet Steph the artist/flight attendant, oh happy day. Then to Frisco maybe for clam chowder in a sourdough breadbowl and beer along fishermans warf? Then we'll drive down the Pacific Coast Highway to the City of Angeles. At LAX we'll meet Bradley. We'll spend a couple days there, including New years eve and then we'll make the 6 hour trek back home. I know, it's quite ambitious to travel 4,000 miles in a week... but we are ambitious people :)

I'm really going to make an effort to blog along the way.

I miss certain people today... I was telling Tim the other day that even knowing God will see us through the toughest valleys of our life, that He has a plan and all still doesn't keep us from sincerely missing those lost along the way. My Christmas won't be complete...it just won't.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to you all...or more accurately: joyous Advent!

Blah, blah, blog

Usually I write with a degree of intention. Most often, with a heaviness in my heart or several specific thoughts in my head, which I feel the need to ponder further; writing provides a medium... this evening, I find myself writing because it serves as a form of company. I know it sound a bit odd, perhaps even a bit sad and I don't expect anyone to relate to this...but it is a true description of how i feel at the moment. So I can't promise much of a read since I feel anything, but grounded by purpose...in fact, something as light as this evenings chilly breeze could probably direct and redirect the substance of this blog...

I feel sort of like a zombie these days. A headless zombie if those should exist. Well, i am talking about zombies afterall...so there aren't really any "rules" :) So i'm a headless one, riding a unicorn, hunting fire breathing dragons... with a small company of elves...? sure why not.

Zombie...? what do i mean by that? Well, I'm not doing anything with any amount of passion. I work, keep myself entertained until bed time, and then work again. The small group and younglife are both things that I feel are important and significant, but passionate about it, I dunno. I am doing the best I can with the group... I care about the guys and have every desire to be diligent in this area... but am I passionate about it? not so sure. It doesn't excite me like rock n' roll... but nothing does.

At the same time, I feel pretty much stuck here for the moment. I've been in a holding pattern for months... waiting to hear from God... impatient, most of the time...but not really hearing anything even resembling an answer about where I should be headed... it's frustrating to say the least... and somehow I feel more exhausted than I ever have felt, in my entire life...(of course there have been other factors). Nevertheless, it seems as though for the moment, for the season, I may have to just wait...in vocational stagnation... but sometimes "waiting" feels so daunting a task. Ok, actually it's most often.

The thing is, I pretty much suck at it. That's why I appreciate things like the microwave and instant coffee so much, toaster strudles...Granted, we're an entire generation raised on such luxuries...(little did we know they could hurt us). To add insult to injury I'm definitely on the passionate side of human personalities...so i'm a ball of impatience at times. But i wait...

I just finished talking to Tim online... and through nothing he said directly, I thought about how many people i've met over the years. Perhaps thousands? And how sad it is that the vast majority of them are entirely insignificant (pragmatically speaking) to me (and I to them) in terms of our respective lives, today. For one reason or another, a relationship wasn't born...nurtured or built... and our lives just moved right along...

To take this further, we could look to friendships...many have come, many have gone...over the years, and this will continue to occur. I used to really hate the idea of certain friendships being very temporary... i mean i know: bigger picture, all friendships are...(due to death and sin),but what I mean is there are people that enter our lives and provide a function for a short time...and then for whatever reason... they are gone...relationships change...

It's a tragedy of life i think... because it speaks of how everything is so very fleeting... and I don't use the word "tragedy" lightly.

And yet, those relatively short moments can make an eternity of a difference...we can play extraordinary roles in another persons life even if for only a fragment of time... and perhaps the impact can be as significant in the grand scheme of things, as some lifelong friendships. And I suppose that's the poetry of it.

Now I don't think a touch of beauty redeems an intrinsically sad reality...not entirely or even close.... no more than a drop of red ink would turn a tub of water completely ruby... but I guess it would blend into the colorless fluid and create a faint pink...so as to ease the pain just a little.

I will always struggle with this because I'm extremely relational by nature...I want to keep every one of my friendships and continue to build on those relationships...but I guess I'm learning or beginning to accept certain realities...at least while we're here on earth...

methinks heaven will be vastly different with regards to relationships... I truly hope so.

I'm strangely tired, so I guess I'll leave it at that...I promise I'll write with more of a point tomorrow. :)

7 guys, 3 gals and baked goods under 1 roof.

The small group met last night at Louie and Vic's house. I'm thankful they've opened up their home to a group of noisy guys... Though I haven't spent an extensive amount of time there, the house just has a feeling of "home" to me... It's warm and comfortable.

I was preparing an outline for our discussion up until the very last minute, rushing to leave work, while talking on the phone with Tim. My hands were more than full and I was trying to close shop, while carrying my laptop bag and the remnants of the day's lunch; my small cell phone precariously fixed between my shoulder and my head...

I was exhausted because I stayed out too late the night before after the "progressive dinner" talking to Elliot in front of his house, it's good to have him home.

Truth be told, I really didn't want to meet with the group last night...I was emotionally drained and feeling pretty cynical...and just tired.
In the words of Kerouac:

"I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion..."

I made it just in time to meet up with one of the guys before the rest of the group had arrived... he asked if we could talk and shared with me some very heavy things...I mostly just listened... The older I get, the more I listen and the less I speak - I should say the less I feel the need to say something for the sake of saying something... I think before, due to my insecurities, I always felt a need to say something profound...you know so that I would prove myself as capable or knowledgeable; otherwise I thought I needed to say something to demonstrate to the other person that I was in fact interested... but I'm finding it shows, if sincere, albeit in non verbal ways. I'm still insecure though...just dealing with it or trying to deal with it very differently now.

After he spoke...I asked him several questions that he pondered for sometime. I witnessed the inner struggle...as we sat out in the patio...in the cold. Being critically honest with yourself is never an easy exercise...not necessarily because we don't want to be ...but we've also learned a million different ways to lie to ourselves...and we have to navigate through that maze...

there were moments of long pauses...

I could hear people arriving...the house was filling up...laughter could be heard at a distance through the sliding glass doors that separated us, but I decided not to turn around, not even for a glance... I think I needed to be right there in our conversation, and only there. I hope I was of some help to him, but I'm not sure.

To my pleasant suprise, Tweed and Wash were over helping Vic bake cookies and zucchini nut bread. I am always suprised at just how easily women change the dynamic of everything... I mean even if it's completely unbeknownst to them and entirely unintentional... they bring a gentleness, a unique sort of calm and soft warmth that's very different from what guys have to offer... granted, these three gals are exceptional people.

Due to the activity in the kitchen, Louie threw a couple logs of wood into their fire pit and we sat outside with mugs of coffee and blankets. The discussion went well. I think the guys are starting to get more comfortable with one another, which means more individual involvement, more sharing.

The discussion centered around John Eldredige's idea that Desire is central to who we are. That we lose by supressing our desire and how the aftermath of that actually destroys us. There is a war waging within our selves, because we fight to kill off the very thing that makes us human writes, Eldredge.

We also talked about diciphering good, legitimate desire from illegitimate. We talked about what makes a good desire, good and a bad, bad... we also talked about intrinsically good desires, gone bad... It naturally turned to a talk of romantic relationships... we concluded of course, that God must be our portion, that all else could not be relied on...could not be the source of our hope...because it would all fail us...or fall away, inevitably.

I challenged the guys to consider then, what this should look like in practical terms. What does it tangibly look like in your day to day if God is your focus, the center of your life? I asked this because within the body of Christ we always hear the statement, "make God your center," it's almost a cliche, but we often don't know what it really means...it's abstract and if we don't evaluate it, we'll just associate it with a feeling, which is never a good idea.

The conversation that emerged was centered around the concept of Worship, with our entire lives. A few of the guys presented the idea of allowing God to truly exercise authority, the final say in all parts of our lives and I fully agreed.

Hoping to dig a little deeper, I presented the idea that because we exist in a finite reality, time was the ever precious commodity... Therefore, we need to closely evaluate where all our time was being spent because it would speak volumes regarding our actual focus in life. It's like money in that regard, of course they say: "time is money." We spend both on that which we treasure... as Jesus said: "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I think I spend a good amount of my time and $$$ on keeping my stomach full (literally and figuratively), trying to impress others by making myself look a certain way, and well, keeping myself entertained... it's sort of the American way. Of course I give of my time and money... but such a small percentage, in reality. I think I can safely say, God is far from being the center of my life... I am the center.

Vanauken, in his book A Severe Mercy, states that God was like a beautiful poem he would read once in a while to make him feel a certain something... but a true, real relationship it was not. I feel that way at times... and I'm realizing this whole "relationship with God" concept is something I'm still only beginning to unravel after all these years...

Anyway, It thrills me to see everyone within the group getting along. We stuck around afterwards, playing video games and shooting the breeze; it seemed everyone had a good time. For some, this is the only community they are truly a part of...

I talked to Tim on the way home and I could hardly keep my eyes open... I was afraid to go home... afraid of being met only by my lonliness. It was hard to get up this morning... but I'm here... taking each day as it comes and trying to find God in and through it all.

A Christmas Song

Excerpts from River by Joni Mitchell

It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees.
they're putting up reindeer, singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on.

But it don't snow here, it stays pretty green
I'm gonna make a lot of money
and then I'm gonna quit this crazy scene,
Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on.

I wish I had a river so long, I'd teach my feet to fly...
I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

I made my baby cry.

I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I gone and lost the best baby that I ever had.
I wish I had a river, I could skate away on
Oh, I wish I had a river so long
I'd teach my feet to fly.

I made my baby say goodbye...

Mix it up

I most often share only my thoughts and rarely the events...I often wonder if my blog is a pretty dull place of emotional weighty-ness, so today I'm going to share about my weekend, not that it was out of ordinary or anything...but just in the name of variety... As with most of my weekends, it zoomed by. (zoom, zoom). I can't help, but think of Mazda anytime I hear or read the word "zoom" or any tense of it. :)

Friday night I stayed out a bit late, but all in good fun. I arrived at my friend Josh's house after work. Josh lives with his girlfriend Lauren in Phoenix. They are both Jewish and were giving each other Hanukkah gifts, for the 4th night of the celebration. That was neat to watch, Lauren gave Josh a set of poker chips, and a poker table (which I was also thankful to her for) and Josh got Lauren (and himself) 2 tickets to the next Suns game, with press passes for the two of them, so that she might meet some of the players. They lit candles together and I very much enjoyed being a fly on the wall. Then we watched the Suns game.

They are both huge basketball fans, in fact Josh was once a Suns ball boy.

Everybody around these parts seems obsessed with the Suns lately. Now I do enjoy a good College football game once in a while, but I could also live without it.
I don't watch ESPN for highlights, ever. I don't particularly like talking about what happened to this player, or who's contract is up or what team has the winningest record... who should be traded, who should be the MVP this season...I don't ever have to know the score to any game at anytime, I've never had such figures texted to my phone... but most of my male friends and increasingly more female friends do...and it seems this way more and more.



I don't mind that they love it at all... in fact I often end up watching a game and enjoying it in the name of being a good sport...as more often than not anytime my boys and I get together it's inevitable...but I just don't seem to like it as much as everybody else... I guess I'm missing something?

When I was a kid, I did enjoy it a bit more. But nowadays... I just view it as a bunch of grown men, playing a game. And these grown men on occasion curse, cheat, get angry and emotional and even fight over this game...what is more, other grown adults, thousands of them...pay money to watch all this go on...

they're not playing...which is what makes it that much more bizarre to me. they are in no way involved with what happens on the field, court or ice... and yet they wear identical uniforms, hats and hoop and holler as if they were out there themselves...and as if it were a matter of life and death, some of them. But they are merely spectators, nothing more. Sometimes these spectators even curse, yell, lose their heads and in extreme cases fight themselves... but again it's all just a game...that they are merely watching unfold.

All this to say, that I just don't get it, it's completely lost on me...but to each his/her own.

I do know people want to feel a part of something...something significant... something bigger than themselves to identify with...which is why people often relate to the team closest to their hometown... or some to the "best" most winningest team or player.


Anyway, post suns game, I actually learned to play the Dreidel that night, which is like the Jewish equivalent of rolling dice. Josh kept winning, so I joked that he was spinning the thing like Jesus would. With all this tradition around me, (they also had gelt and several choice Hanukkah foods) I couldn't help, but consider how religious tradition is in and of itself far from being a real worldview, but many really don't understand a distinction exists. What I mean is my friends are Jewish in so far as they recognize all the holidays and understand much of the traditions... but know or believe very little about the worldview, as well, a worldview. It doesn't seem to truly work it's way into their lives...with regards to their day to day living and that pretty much sums up our culture. Religion, philosophy or a worldview is often just a small portion of a person's identity in post modern culture. Even though so contrary to what's implicitly suggested in the very term, worldview.

Anyway, I'm rambling on my thoughts again...

When the other guys arrived, Lauren left to hang out with the ladies...and we started our Texas Hold em' game... armed with Josh's New Poker chips (Purple and Orange; Phoenix Suns colours) and his new green felt table- with built in cup holders, great for ice cold beer :)

We talked our usual nonsense, making fun of one another at every possible point.
We laughed a great deal, had Burger King, got into some serious conversations regarding relationships, our futures, careers and the like... stepped outside and enjoyed the rain...and played until our eyes could hardly stay open. It had been a while since I got home at 3 am... but I really enjoyed it... Of course that meant saturday would be quite difficult...as my body doesn't seem to recover as quickly as it used to.

Saturday was dedicated to recording my other friend Josh (yeah I have a few Joshuas in my life). Cliff my old bandmate came over as well... following our session we had dinner... but after that I stayed in, feeling pretty exhausted.

Sunday was church, I slept in and made it to a later service... I sat next to a family who had 2 daughters. One of whom was probably about 6 or 7... she was adorable and kept starting at me... she made me smile...I must be getting old... it also made me really sad too... because I thought of Andrea and Maddie...

Following church I sat at a Starbucks that I hadn't been to in a long time... I was supposed to meet with one of the guys in my small group. He was quite late so I sat by myself for a while... I hadn't brought with me any books, so I found a corner of the cafe and sat observing people. Upon his arrival my small group friend and I talked a great deal about our longing and need for community... I'm not at liberty to talk about what he's been through...but his childhood looked vastly different from mine, or from most others. Interestingly enough though, his longings are similar to those of mine and everybody elses. We all feel so disconnected...so lost... we all just want to feel loved...and less alone.

Talking with my new friend really made me realize how much we as Christians really suck sometimes at being a church... We only prance around with the trappings of community... we think because a bunch of people are getting together once a week to sing songs and have a good time or because there are social events lining calendars, that we are a Christian community...but we forget the reaching out part... we don't really stop to get to know one another... a stranger...the outsiders, those who should most be reached out to. We don't do it like Jesus would. Jesus wasn't just trying to have a good time with his friends...he was always reaching out. I am very much guilty of this. People just want to be accepted and loved, invited to the movies, talked to, listend to, authentically cared about and I'm worried about how this person might not be my favorite person to talk to, or they're "weird" or not fun to be around... as if my having a good time is the most important thing...

I was grateful for the conversation...and I hope he learned half as much as I did. Afterwards, I headed over to Brad's and we hung out watching Miami Ink and talking about our next tattoos and how I'd like to marry a tattoo artist...

Rain is the rhythm of my song for you.

I'm at my desk after having just propped open the front door; it started to sprinkle and I wanted to feel somehow closer to the rain (without having to get wet).

Storm clouds rolled in late last night... It's mostly pale and grey outside...a brisk morning. A beautiful storm.

On rare ocassion the sun pokes through the thick blanket of dust and moisture leaving a momentary beam of gold, it shimmers, but for a second, bringing to life the dull sidewalk...and though a heavenly sight, it couldn't appear more out of place on a day as this.

I'm flooded by feelings... a vast array of them... but not one, too intensley... I have not the words...

Motionless like a stone.
Watching clouds drift along.
Gently, slowly, East to West
every soul, encircling...

With eyes closed,
every breathe on hold
To feel the world revolve.
Spinning, turning, carelessly
moving along in apathy.

Time: the cars that pass me by.

Patiently I wait for rain,
to soak the streets
and wash away the pain...

Soggy trees will dip
burdened with ladened leaves,
and oily puddles will fade
like weathered dreams.

As the dry storm clouds
after giving away
will quietly float on...
every season must change.

Like you and I
and what we've become.

The room is freezing now...but I'm burning up inside.

I wrote a song for you, there's nothing left for me to do.

I'm still afraid of hope...

Dreams, by Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

"To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether."
-John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

and yet from my soul is an ever flowing well of desire...a spring of dreams.