Glimpse.

Today began with errands, as I am preparing to head to Idaho Falls on Monday. I had the tires on my truck rotated, picked up some last minute items and spent the day making cd's for my beloved cousins whom I will be with in a couple days. It began this way, but is ending a bit differently...

Since most of my audience is made up of close friends, most of you will know that some weeks ago I had a difficult incident occur, involving a friend. I've alluded to it of course in my recent writings, but haven't really talked about it directly... I have described it as the worst day of my life so far...and that it still remains. You see, one of the guys in my small group had a psychotic break in my backyard, and I had to make some very difficult decisions, and I had to do things that I pray I will never again have to repeat... It ended in a pretty serious physical altercation, a swarm of policeman and firefighters, a long night at the hospital and a court hearing at a behavorial health center...and that has been my last month... My friend has a heavy cross to bear...heavier than most are given...and I've tried this last year to help lighten the weight...I've tried the best that I can I think... but that evening, in one instance I felt my heart break into tiny fragments, the way that fine glass shatters when dropped against a dense surface...

Something changed in me from this day forward... I have begun to withold my love for people that is unless I have deeemed them "safe to love." I have kept people at a distance...I have been afraid to care too much because I had realized that love freakin' hurts...

I have been trying to hang on to God...to find Him in all of this...only God didn't seem big enough anymore...

I so desperately needed God to be larger than I had previously known Him to be...larger than the feeling you get at a worship service, larger than a neat bible study...larger than a $.20 raise on someone's paycheck...larger than a Monster.com, and larger yet than a Cupid...I needed God to step in and bring healing and restoration on a life that was severely broken...and hopeless without him...and I still need this.

But this afternoon, I wonder if I have had a glimpse...

Thing is, I have not met one on one with my friend since the difficult ordeal...I'm not sure precisely the reasons... I think I've been afraid...afraid of being hurt again in this way... and with some reluctance we shared a late lunch... and we talked.

Because neither of us are very good at small talk, we discussed difficult things...you know the things that really matter...(which I had thought I wanted to avoid at all costs)...but it was good. We sat together through moments of involved conversation...and moments of stillness and quiet reflection....I slowly sipped Dr. Pepper through a red, plastic straw and chewed on ice and he often stared out the large window behind me...Soon, afternoon gave way to early evening and I watched as the summer spoils settled in the streets... I could see that he was hurting deeply, it was written in his heavy eyes and the lines on his face...and I recall thinking at that moment, that I just really cared about him...and I wanted to walk by his side to share the weight again, because it was getting really heavy for him to do it alone..and I wanted him to know that he mattered...I wanted him to know how Jesus felt about him.

So where is glimspe?

I suppose it's what was uncovered underneath the carnage of everything that has and hasn't occured this year...a midst the swirl of fear and doubt...somewhere along a trail of tears...I found it again...when I thought it was finally lost....it is the cornerstone of our lives: His Love.