I woke up to my phone ringing this morning. I quickly jumped out of bed and my eyes noticed that it was still dark out and so I thought such an untimely call must be urgent. I glanced at the clock and it read 4 a.m. I was anxious and felt my heart pound for a second before I remembered that I had promised to take a friend to the airport this morning. I know, two visit to the airport in one week.
After dropping off the excited traveler I drove around by the airport for a bit, taking pictures of the early dawn as it mixed with the city... I know it's probably unusual for someone to take pictures of a city they've inhabited for 14 years, but I think I just wanted to find something beautiful this morning... if such a thing should exist.
It's been a hellish week and I don't use that term lightly. What is more, I have no idea how things are going to work themselves out or if they even will. I'm just being honest. The very foundations of my faith are being shaken and I'm wondering now if everything that I have held so close and dear to me, everything that I have held as truth and have tried to live has been a falsity, something imagined...
"Take this sinking boat and point it home
we've still got time..." - Glen Hansard
Tracey asked me if I was hurt and angry at the events of this week and I admitted I was...I know that I am deeply distraught. Elliot told me he would be worried if I weren't. But I don't know that my doubts are only rooted in emotion. I wish it were that simple... I am starting to wonder if the reality in the bible is a real representation of the reality in my experience...in all our experiences... This is a real struggle one grounded in reason and I guess that's what scares me the most. To pursue truth is to pursue it with integrity even when it is severely difficult... we must be honest with ourselves even if it should shake the rudiments of our being.
I wonder if this life is really the result of the divine providence a loving God. and I wondering if our prayers do more than echo between four walls...words just blowing in the wind of an apathetic universe... if there is real meaning in everything...if there is hope...
Maybe "life is a bitch and then you die" as Michael Johnson and Tupac once said... and maybe that makes as much sense as anything right now. I'm trying though, trying with what little energy I have at the moment...
"That's me in the corner,
that's me in the spotlight,
I'm losing my religion..." -R.E.M.