Trying to find my way...

Reflecting on This Christmas Passed

2011-12-29T16:24:00.002-07:00

Winter break has been filled with travel, a week with my wife in Seattle, then an overnight run to Vegas, finally ending with a fly fishing expedition in the White Mountains. Needless to say, I've seen a variety of landscapes in a short amount of time ranging from the deserts to the bustling city emerging out of a peninsula, to the mountains with its trout filled streams and of course, the glittery City of sin. As a result, my schedule has been anything but regular. Upon my return home, it took me some time to remember what winter was like or should be like in Arizona and now as I begin to settle in, to recover that familiarity, I find that 2012 is just beyond reach.

Christmas was for the most part pleasant but I think that means there was a great deal missing. It gets increasingly more difficult to celebrate Christmas when it is all about hanging out with family, good times, presents and food. To make matters worse, I find myself going along with the flow, wanting Christmas to be little more than a culmination of these banalities. As the Christmas tunes sing their last notes, and we begrudginly take down our decorations, stuffing them in boxes in which they no longer fit, I find a deep hollowness as cold as winter that is easy to suppress but difficult to ignore entirely. How strange a feeling, to be filled with food and drink but profoundly empty.

I did realize something about Christmas this season that I hadn't in previous ones. I have for a number of years struggled with trying to recover the "magic" of the holiday. Most of you will probably relate to that overwhelming feeling of warmth and mystery that Christmas provided for you as a child. And if you're like me, then you lament the fact that at some point between the threshold separating childhood and early adulthood, this experience of Christmas disappeared, never to return again. Well, I have missed that feeling for years and have tried in vain to recover it. I have heard many a parent talking about finding something similar, as they experience the holidays vicariously through their children but it isn't quite the same, so they tell me. So in past years I have tried to find the right tree, the right decorations, or listen to more Christmas music and the like, but I always end up disappointed. After years of this nonsense, it finally struck me this year that perhaps what I have been trying so hard to again find isn't worth recovering in the first place. I realize that I might sound like a heartless scrooge at the moment, but hear me out.

There is a verse in scripture that has always resonated with me. Paul in his letter to the Corinthians writes, "When I was a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, but when I became a man I put off childish ways..." (1 Cor 13:11). When I was a child, I loved Christmas because it meant that I would get gifts and lots of food and desserts and get to see sparkly lights everywhere. It meant that school was out for a couple of weeks and I could play without having to worry about homework or exams. And I felt a sense of security being with my family in our home as if nothing could happen to us. But I am starting to think that all of this is merely jejune thinking. Life is not a matter of bodily pleasures, nor is it about food and drink or presents, or false senses of security. Thinking as a child of course may be acceptable for children, but even here I think if we are good parents, we strive progressively to nurture and reform their cognitive habits. But it is utterly unbecoming to think like a child when you are an adult because it means you haven't quite grown up or matured. Of course, you can refuse to grow up like Peter Pan and I think this is precisely what Michael Jackson attempted to do, but there was always something tragically sad about the unhealthy life of the king of pop.

I think that for good reason we do not often depend on the dispositions of children to guide the important decisions in our lives. Sagacious parents who want to raise healthy kids will not leave it to their eight year olds to determine how to manage the household budget, or come up with the grocery list, or choose the best educational curriculum or institution. Similarly, I wouldn't rely on the judgments of a child to tell me about the meaning of a fine piece of literature, art or music. At times children may exhibit precociousness and we might heed such advice but this is only because it resembles the thoughts of a mature adult. And so it seems to me that perhaps I shouldn't let the child in me define the meaning of such a cosmically significant occasion such as Christmas and that if I do, I do so to my own peril.

Here's to striving towards a more meaningful holiday next year and leaving my childhood where it belongs, in the past.

Finishing Strong And Rightly

2011-10-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I have changed the look of my blog. After years of that old, dusty, rather monochromatic layout I thought it was time for a change. I even added one of those Ipod music players with some of the songs I often find myself listening to these days.

I am at school to complete a full day of reading, thinking, and hopefully writing.

By Saturday, this campus becomes a ghost town and I can go for long stretches of time without running into so much as a shadow of another. As I write this, I am sitting outside in an obscure part of the school (as the library does not open for another twenty minutes or so). It is lukewarm outside, silent, and empty and I feel at ease, truly a rare sentiment for me these days.

I have been fighting some persistent blues lately in addition to chronic heartburn (which is totally an old person's ailment). I'm sure there's an interesting metaphorical connection between heartburn and my heaviness of soul but for now, I lack the patience to draw it out.

"I was born in an abundance of inherited sadness..." - Ryan Adams

I've been hearing rumors of Fall (possibly the shortest, most beautiful season in the Southwest) for the last three weeks, but it's been persistently warm lately and I'm losing patience. Truth be told, the climate hasn't been horrible in recent days, but this summer seemed unusually long for me and I don't like anything resembling it.

School has been difficult because I just feel so uninspired, as if I have nothing new or original to say. I find myself almost in perfunctory manner reading, memorizing (and often forgetting) a lot of things that others have said, but I find it rather difficult to make any sort of contribution, which is a problem if one wants to make it as a professional philosopher. Seriously, many of these philosophers are just REALLY bright; I don't think it necessarily makes them correct in all or even some of their beliefs, but a clever, incisive, and creative bunch they certainly are more than any other group of persons I have encountered by far.

I continue to waiver in terms of what it is that I want to do with my life. I think I tend to feel this way whenever the going gets tough.

This morning I began reading a journal article on an epistemological view called "Fallibilism." And as I peeled back the title page and began journeying through the first few lines, I was full of excitement. One word naturally followed another as did line after line and page after page, flowing like an uninterrupted river. It was effortless, and exhilirating and my mind was flooded by interesting thoughts. This is how I feel often when I begin reading either a book or an article. But then as the day wears on, things inevitably slow down and it get's laborious and my mind grows weary. I then have to start policing my attention to keep it from wandering, often having to reread entire paragraphs at which point I start to seriously entertain the idea of calling it quits. And so it is with so many of my endeavors and so it is with life. We set out on a journey, a road trip, a career path, a goal with great excitement at its onset. Like a bat out of hell we leave the stables but then we encounter bumps and thistles, and grow tiresome and when the scenery hasn't changed for hours we begin to wonder why we left home or started out in the first place. But it seems to me that hurrying through the first few pages of an article is of little merit in itself. Really, anyone can do that. Armed with idealism and adrenaline most runners start the marathon just fine. But the real race is long and difficult and the winner must cross not only the starting line, but the finish too.

I know I started talking about what to do with my life with regards to a career, but really this is all analogous to something more important; it is actually in part, the message found in the parable of the sower.

Sometimes I fear that I will wind up like those seeds that fell along the rocks, which with great enthusiasm received the word initially, but failed to be rooted and thus, as the troubles of this life came, fell away. That is to say, they failed to finish what they with great zeal began. I think it is easy to think of "receiving the word initially" as pertaining to an obviously short period of time like a day or a month or even a few years, but it seems to me that anything short of "finishing the race" might qualify. What if I've been sitting on the rocks for a decade?

I am also reminded of the following, "what should it profit a man if he gain the whole world but lose his own soul?" Upon hearing such, I have most often thought of those persons that are obviously from the "get-go" after riches, or fame or what have you over and above seeking the Kingdom of God. But I think that doesn't do justice to the rhetorical question. What about the person that starts with a sprint, but at some point gets distracted along the way and ends up unawares, on the wrong path? Perhaps such a person might even persist right through to the end, quite possibly being the first to break the finish line only to find himself having run a different race altogether, thereby also being disqualified (along with the seeds on the rock). How pathetic a sight that would be. To exert a lifetime of effort all for naught. To have finished the wrong race.

In either case we find that there are more ways to fall than there are to stand up straight. The race is long and difficult, the path is narrow and straight but it is the only one that leads to life.

Dear Self,

You often worry so much about "not making it" to the end of something like your semester, or your graduate program or your career path, or whatever, but these are in comparison, the least of your concerns. You have foremost to make it to the end of this spiritual journey and it is one heck of a ride; it is going to be arduous and will take everything you have and more. But take heart, for He is with you even to the end of the age and His grace is sufficient.

Regards,
Me

All You Need is Love?

2011-09-23T08:54:00.013-07:00

In my epistemology seminar last night we discussed a couple articles by a famous philosopher of epistemology, Jim Pryor (NYU) who writes against a particular kind of skepticism about the external world. One of my fellow students made a joke last night that we should agree with Pryor in what appeared to be a stalemate of a dialogue because at least he was featured in Esquire magazine wearing a $2K suit. My curiosity getting the better of me, I looked him up this morning and sure enough there was the NYU professor, one of many in a photo gallery titled, "The Meaning of Life Meets Winter Style" which included a number of "academics" and "religious leaders" playing dress up for the camera and sharing some words of "wisdom". Among the participants was Jay Bakker (the son of Jim and Tammy Faye). What he said stood out to me:

"It's all about compassion for each other. A lot of times, people are too busy arguing over what their theology is or what their politics are or their sexuality is, and they miss out on all the good stuff in life. All the connecting with other people and loving them for who they are, not for who we want them to be."

Even before my encounter with this electronic edition of Esquire, I have heard many a believer criticizing Jim Bakker. This is because he has been for some years an advocate for homosexuality and gay marriage at the same time being an evangelical pastor. If his quote is any indication of his general philosophy then it isn't at all surprising to me that he is quite liberal in his account of Christianity.

The thing that gets me is that I know a number of Christians that would agree with Jim Bakker's sentiments here. I have heard these words almost verbatim among a number of my fellow believers, usually intended as a criticism against my views about what faith in Christ consists of. So then why do these same persons find Bakker's sympathy for homosexuality offensive? That part is quite vexing to me...

If you think Christianity is summed up in being accepting and compassionate to others (in the rather unqualified way that Bakker seems to intend), then you should certainly extend this inclusiveness to those of a different sexual orientation than you. Otherwise you will have to get caught up in one of those nasty theological and political (and ultimately philosophical) debates. The problem of course is that it wouldn't make sense to stop at this issue (that is, stop at criticizing or arguing over homosexuality). Rather if you are being consistent, any and all issues of a "theological and political" nature should be off limits for fear of "not getting along." But then imagine what such an account of the Christian faith might amount to. By "loving people for who they are" (in contrast to asking them to change) the straight and narrow path will be replaced by to something akin to a five lane autobahn which may seem liberating at first, but will in the end render the Christian worldview utterly unrecognizable and thereby emptying the cross of any intelligibility.

Now I can imagine some of my well intending friends saying that homosexuality is explicitly spoken against in scripture and so they have grounds for rejecting Bakker's specific position on homosexuality while adopting his general philosophy of inclusiveness. Such a view would mean that whatever is explicitly stated in scripture is non negotiable (i.e., this constitutes the core of the faith) while all the other issues which have divided believers are not worth arguing over.

But this is hardly an improvement. For one thing a great number of "orthodox" Christian doctrines are not explicitly stated in scripture. For instance the doctrine of the trinity, the dual nature of Christ, the rulings against the practice of polygamy among others. If you think that Christianity consists solely of express statements in scripture then you will have to do away with such ideas. After all, each of these has historically been the topic of much controversy (see Arianism, and Docetism, Christian Polygamy), that is, they have been the source of great debate, schism and worse. Furthermore, there are homosexual "believers" that simply claim that any part of the bible condemning homosexuality isn't actually the "word of God." The acute difficultly this brings to the surface is this: if you think only what is explicitly stated in scripture is what makes up the Christian faith, then how do you know what should belong in the canon and what should be excluded (i.e., how do you know that the canonization of scripture wasn't arbitrary) in the first place.

Obviously to say that the bible tells you what should be included in it would be a very unsatisfactory response on pain of circularity. The persons that compiled the books of the bible did not have the bible to go off of...

A few more notes on Bakker's quote:

1) Bakker says it's all about compassion. I have heard something to this effect quite often. In fact, Christ is said to exemplify compassion if anything. As I previously noted, the problem is that this sort of notion is far too vague and presupposes that we all have a univocal view about what it means to extend compassion. I used to work with the homeless population in town, and some of them honestly just wanted money to buy meth and preferred this to the food and water we were offering. Now there are some persons (of questionable intelligence) that believe that compassion should move one to acquiesce to such absurd requests (that is, to buy such persons drugs) while others would find it simply egregious to feed such a destructive habit. So saying, "it's all about compassion" isn't very helpful by itself; we need to get clearer on what we mean by "compassionate".

But now notice that only as we begin to define what compassion means, then disagreements inevitably arise. We start to learn that we don't share a single view about what it means to be compassionate much less how to apply this principle in various circumstances. Rather we find that we have conflicting accounts. In light of these disagreements we can appeal to another vague notion e.g., we might say, well since we don't agree on compassion, let's say it's all about love but then the same issue arises of course. What does it mean to "love?" And aren't there mutually exclusive views about love out there? Otherwise, people tend to act like there are not differences: that is, agree to disagree but then this is to make light of the disagreement and I think this doesn't make much sense. I say this because if you simply ignore that there are differences or diminish them by saying that the disagreements do not matter, then I question how much the original principle in question matters in the first place. To illustrate, imagine that I get one of my papers back with two grades on it. It has a red 'A' and then right next to it a equally red 'F'. Now if I simply shrug my shoulders at this event, then I probably didn't care for the meaning of either of the grades in the first place. If this is so, then the original philosophy of Bakker (that one should be compassionate) is a vacuous one.

2) "A lot of times, people are too busy arguing over what their theology is or what their politics are or their sexuality is, and they miss out on all the good stuff in life."

It is true that arguing over some things is just not worth the cost of air. We could argue about the best burger joint in the world, but that likely won't get anywhere, and perhaps such a discussion is misguided because it plays fast and loose with what we mean by "the best burger joint". It might actually be that when we assert that "Five Guys is the best" we actually mean something closer to, "Five Guys is most pleasing to me" in which case we are speaking of our subjective states and so the argument should be diffusible. In any event, I am admitting that some arguments don't make much sense because they are either wrongly formed or not so important). What isn't so obvious is that political, social and theological arguments (at least the ones that I hear most commonly) are equally so empty. They aren't just about one's own inner states (like in the case of what flavor of ice cream most pleases me), rather they are (either directly or indirectly) about when life begins, what it means to be a moral person, and even what the nature of God is and what it isn't. And perhaps within this category of what I hold to be substantial discussions, we could include the question of what it means to be compassionate both per se and in application. Now it is important to distinguish between how in fact people go about arguing and the principle that we should debate these matters. I have a suspicion that part of what inspires this Jim Bakker kind of disdain for debate is that when such discussions occur, they don't often go very well. But this fact should only get us to revise our approach and work on improving rather than abandoning the discussion altogether, which would only be to throw the baby out with the bath water.

3) "All the connecting with other people and loving them for who they are, not for who we want them to be."

Again, "love" is a lot like "compassion" in that there isn't a single view on what love is and what it looks like to love another. For instance, if I told you to love Hitler, what would that mean to you? He wants to exterminate an entire population of people. So should your "love" for him mean you help him in his endeavors? Should you be there aiding his development of the concentration camps and flipping the switch to the gas chambers? Or should your love for him rather move you to resist him in his committing of the atrocious plans? Shouldn't you want to change him rather than accept him as he is?

There is also the problem that Bakker's philosophy (again in its unqualified form) is self-undermining, but I don't think I need to spell that out...

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

2011-06-23T09:36:00.006-07:00

Summer is officially upon us and I hear monsoon season is just around the corner. Phoenicians are trained from an early age to respond to complaints about the summer heat here, they respond "its a dry heat" but come late July it gets hot and humid which is pretty miserable and makes you question what is so dry about it. I have just arrived to the school library to do some "research" which basically involves reading philosophy books and articles. I've been working on some stuff on Free will and Divine Foreknowledge and have been posting about it in my other blog (Getting Metaphysical).

I feel melancholic this morning and I feel it deeply.

I have for the most part wasted my summer. I have looked for jobs with no luck, been house shopping, doing some research, but mostly I have gotten lazy and this is really bothering me now. I can only hope to make the most of what days I have left.

I have been thinking about what it means to "make the most of every opportunity" as the apostle Paul admonishes us to do in his letter to the Ephesians. This command is followed by, "knowing that the days are evil" which seems to give us a good context within which we are to understand the first part of the passage. It reminds me that we are in a spiritual war between good and evil, and that what it means to make the most of every opportunity should be defined in light of this fact. But I find that it is (at least in one sense) quite difficult to live as though there is such a weighty conflict happening all around us. There is something about being a middle class American in the 21st century that seems to make any such reality a mere after-thought. Sure things are not perfect here, and we have had our tragedies and will continue to, but for the most part I find myself feeling pretty safe in this world. On my drive here I was listening to the radio program which was interrupted briefly to give a traffic report. There was trendy, upbeat music in the background and the narrator had apparently had plenty of coffee this morning. He proudly and optimistically reported closures and accidents at this and that intersection and whimsically reported a fatality on one of the major highways, and without a hint of remorse his segment was gone with zooming sound effects and all. And I know that it isn't the correct context to express remorse since people just want to hear about what impediments might possibly be in their way to work and the best alternate routes so I am not criticizing him or the program itself. Still it got me thinking that I have the propensity to abstract tragedy even though in reality is it all around and so I wonder why this is the case. Maybe I am deaf and blind...

Here I am, a somewhat average, American twenty-something striving as always to maintain and improve my "quality of life". Wanting to remain as comfortable as possible and often dabbling in decadence when "comfortable" grows into boredom. I want nice clothes, richly exotic and aesthetically pleasing food and drink, devices to entertain me and so on.... vanity, vanity a mere chasing after the wind... What about the wars going on? Well sure, there is the stuff going on in Libya, and in Afghanistan and in parts of Africa, the drug wars in Mexico... but again I can abstract it. I can remain blind and deaf towards it. You know it took me a long time to get beyond a very superficial reading of scripture, of course, I still have my moments and quite frequently at that but I've had some improvement. In any event, when I began altering my approach it was pretty incredible. I have been reading Confessions by St. Augustine who had a similar experience during his coming to the Lord: he had been reading scripture one way (as a literalist) all his life and it was his being taught to approach it a bit more thoughtfully that played a significant role in his leaving the Manichees. I say all this to say that I often find myself reading the events in this life superficially, living not by faith, but by sight. I take things at face value and so life seems pretty serene. Sure there are wars and rumors of wars, but I see them on my t.v. set and can turn them off whenever I please. I can go days without reading the news or listening to the radio if I so please. The problem is that when all is said and done, I keep going back to this deep entrenched belief that I have that appearance = reality.

You see, I keep missing the stuff that is beneath the ostensible. I should be asking, why the heck are there wars in Libya in the first place? Why is there conflict at all? And I should be realizing that there is a spiritual war that underwrites the physical ones. This spiritual war isn't fundamentally between north and south, democracy and communism, democrats vs. republicans, or even Christianity vs. Islam but between belief and unbelief, light and darkness, good and evil. And it is happening within myself such that "the good I want to do, I don't do, and that which I hate I keep doing". I only see this at moments when I am willing to go beyond the way things appear but such times are few and far between.

In Genesis, Eve was said to be enticed by the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. When I was a kid I used to think that the fruit (in my mind a shiny, red apple) itself did something to Adam and Eve, like it had magical juice or something to "open" her eyes. Of course, the fruit itself isn't the significant part, it is the act of disobedience and perhaps behind the disobedience is an ignorance that is culpable. Anyway, it is written:

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. - Genesis 3:6

Among other things, I think she (and Adam) ought to have known that wisdom isn't gained by consuming some shiny object. The nature of knowledge isn't such. Perhaps in the Matrix, you can sort of download info. but knowledge in the real world is a very different thing. And they heard the Tempter's promise which was likely very seductive and then turned to this pretty little shiny thing and then the first couple fell. Again among other things, they failed to look beyond the surface to what could have been quite obvious (had they been thoughtful in the least), namely, that physical sustenance is distinct in kind from spiritual sustenance and that knowledge doesn't come apart from the fear of the Lord, nor does it come directly from eating something aesthetically pleasing.

So here I am separated from my parents (Adam and Eve), by thousands of miles and thousands of years, but the same old struggle. The reason I feel so comfortable and safe is because I look around and see that things seem for the most part A-Ok. At the moment my eyes see a fine variety of desert trees swaying softly in the wind, they tower over the verdant fields shimmering from the morning dew. The summer sun glitters beneath me in a shallow pool as the waves dance lazily along and birds flirt with one another carelessly as bright yellow flowers open their buds to drink in the day. Idyllic, still, all is well. And I live in prosperity, a modern day Rome full of splendor and arguably the most powerful military that ever was. Modern medicine continues to promise us cures and to help our bodies look younger and live forever. Sure we're in the middle of an economic crisis, but it is hard to tell. Restaurants and shopping malls are bustling, and as Independence day stands just around the corner, people will be firing up the grill, swimming, drinking, eating to excess and being merry as if nothing is happening...

"People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all." Luke 17:27

But all of this is appearance, it is illusory, because it isn't the whole story. I live as though if only my temporal needs were met, I would be fine and this due to the fact that I take things at face value and am mollified by what is pleasing to the eye after all, I am my father's son.

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28

I once wrote about how vague the saying "Carpe diem" is. It just isn't super informative because I don't know what it means to "seize the day". It all seems to depend on what you're after. If I want to be a circus juggler, then seizing the day will mean doing everything I can to improve my juggling, joining the circus and the like. If I want to avoid the circus (maybe I have an irrational fear of bearded ladies) then it will look quite different. Paul I think is exhorting us to sieze the day with respect to the invisible war between the kingdom of light and the kingdom of darkness, it is the only way I can begin to make sense of the life he led.

Finding myself in Numbers

2011-06-20T13:02:00.012-07:00

Often I find myself struggling with my place in life. While most all of my friends seem to move along at a "normal" pace, I feel as though I am always thirty minutes late to the show... ok maybe its more like a decade late. Of course this is a struggle for me because at the end of the day I seem to fear man rather than fearing God. I have bought into the lie that life is about having a certain amount of money in the bank (just enough not to worry = an endless supply), a respectable job (a tenured track position at a University), an advanced degree (3 letters following my name please), and the number of proverbial pats on the back I can get (as many as possible). I ought to consider it all rubbish and long to share in his sufferings, but mud pies, mud pies, that is what wets my appetite. I don't really see these things for what they are and this is the problem. In part, I believe that my picture-"perfect" future could not even begin to bring me joy but rather would be only distraction and then in part, like a dog returning to its vomit, I keep accepting the same old b.s. that there are greener pastures just on the other side of the fence.

The other day, a friend of mine asked me what I thought the point of the book of Numbers was and I didn't have a ready answer; since that time I have been thinking some about it. The book opens with the Israelites in their second year of the Exodus from Egypt. It is God bringing his people from the old way (of captivity) to the new way of life, but of course there is a large chasm between the two and this is the sojourn. At the beginning of Numbers, we find the Israelites are at the foot of Mt. Sinai and in we know from having read Leviticus that they have received all the guidelines and laws from God about how they should live. Numbers traces their pilgrimage from Mt. Sinai to the land flowing with milk and honey which should have only been an 11 day or so trek but in actuality takes nearly 40 years. Constantly throughout the book they fall short of seeking the Lord and following his ways and thus they do everything but trust in him. It is titled "Numbers" because God requires I think, two censuses: one at the beginning of the epoch and another towards the end and we see that rather than being fruitful and multiplying, they have decreased substantially in number by the second count of heads; this is because so many have perished in the desert. Still, God is steadfast and is faithful to complete the work that He has started. Eventually as a people, they get to the land, even though an entire generation has passed away (save two faithful men). This book seems to be about the journey of one's faith and what it looks like to go from being an enemy of God to realizing eternal life and particularly about all that stuff in between which looks ugly and is so often frustrating to the point of wanting to throw in the towel. That is, as we live out what is an admixture of faith and unbelief, it feels at times like we are just running circles. Numbers is a narrative about God in his awesome mercy breaking our stiff necks so that we may turn our eyes from evil and fix them upon the author and finisher of our faith.

Pretend

2011-06-06T18:01:00.012-07:00

I almost changed my blog template, but at the last minute couldn't get myself to do it. I'm not sure why. I mean I haven't posted anything in ages and almost as seldom have I written anything that wasn't assigned. I hope to change that though; I really would like to begin blogging again even semi regularly, but no promises. So anyway, regarding the template, I find myself attached to the picture of the empty road that bends into the unknown; I am of course still on this journey and it continues to provide me with plenty of surprises...

Today I was reading the book of Isaiah and I came across some interesting passages that I thought I wanted to remember which is what has prompted me to blog. The first of such scriptures is found in chapter 42, beginning in verse 16 it reads,

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth..."

What powerful imagery.

Often I respond obstinately when I have to learn something new (at least when the new direction implies my old way was insufficient). And what about a blind person who has had their sight restored? How radical that change must be. I once watched a documentary about one such case where a blind person upon having their sight restored (she was not blind from birth), had to, in a real way "relearn" to function with her revived modality. Such persons tend to find their walking, moving and balance being affected and they find their newly realized sight to be cognitively overwhelming; talk about an acid trip.

I too have been relearning to see again, a process I anticipate perpetuating for a very long time. And it has been difficult to say the least. I have in effect left the faith of my youth because there was nothing in it worth keeping. Thus for the last two years or so I have been walking through all new terrain, with new instruments that feel clumsy in my hands and new guides (who's voices I don't always recognize). I have been trying to catch new wine but often finding remnants of my old wineskin that are just not fit for the job. Following a downpour, I show up to the Father with a dribbling old decantur and a few droplets of liquid. In light of such shortcomings, I find myself tempted to run back to what was once so familiar and comfortable to me, and I grumble about how things were 'once upon a time' better and wonder why I was ever led out, led out of Egypt. Was I led out in the desert to die? I often wonder...

It is likely that most folks will be able relate to something of this sort, since change is all around us. Often we have to readjust to our surroundings, to new methods and the like and I don't know what your journey is about or what changes have entered your neighborhood. I don't think that all such change is inherently good (nor is it itself bad) and so perhaps your discomfort is some indication that you should return home because the way you're headed is a dead end; but I don't know your story. I do know that on better days I have been convinced that my new found journey is the better way (even though it seems often so straight and narrow) and that there really is nothing left for me in the past but a great deal of immaturity and selfishness. On worse days I feel not up to the task, as if I was called to it by mistake, as if I do not quite belong. But I guess that is the point. I am in fact an impostor, left to myself. I feel humbled at the moment which has been happening quite often lately and I realize at least for the moment, that I have been brought to the desert not to perish but to be tested and humbled just as those who have gone before me (Deuteronomy 8:16).

I hope and pray for patience during the tumult native to this stage of the journey both in my life as well as in my dealings with others who may also be learning how to see for the first time.

Religious

2010-11-03T22:19:00.009-07:00

You've probably heard at one time or another something to the effect: Not religion, but relationship. This is a common slogan I hear a lot these days. I think it stems from a misunderstanding of the term religion. Another related platitude is, "I don't do organized religion." But what is religion? What does it mean to be religious? It seems to me that we can strip all sorts of things from common notions of religion and find that most essentially religion is a system or set of beliefs. Or to be religious is to hold to a set of beliefs that have a particular relationship to one another. So where does this notion that religion or being religious is something intrinsically undesirable come from?

People throughout history have done atrocious things, this is a fact. Of course they continue to do so and often in groups. Moreover, coteries have philosophies, that is, they share some common interests which involve shared beliefs. Some of these groups profess belief in transcendent entities. Some of them promulgate belief in God. And some of these persons even do horrendous things in the name of God. Clumsy critics point to the beliefs or sets of beliefs for what the people do with them. Even in the case that atrocities are inconsistent with the professed beliefs, these critics take such occasions as something wrong with the belief systems intrinsically. But this of course is nothing more than a mistake. I mean just because Bob says he believes in Zeus and kills babies because he believes that Zeus wants him to, does not mean that belief in Zeus itself is problematic. We have a missing premise to get to that conclusion. Something about how belief in Zeus logically entails the carrying out of infanticide. Or even perhaps some level of scientific correlation between the holding of a particular set of beliefs and the act of baby killing.

I don't know too much about how other religions have responded to this attack on Religion as a whole. I do know that Christians have responded by rejecting the term "religion" and I think this is a mistake. Two wrongs don't make a right. If critics have made a poor assessment in identifying the behavior of some to be constitutive of Religion as a whole and thereby have condemned belief systems, then we ought not respond by assenting to their mistake. What we should do is point out where the mistake is and correct it. If you define religion by considering what some people have done with it, then you've done a poor job in your defining. The holding of certain beliefs does not by itself lead to evil; that is too broad a brush stroke. This is the line of thinking that people have bought into. Why don't we press our critics to define just what they mean by religion and not let them get away with poor categories and definitions. And anyway, running from a word or replacing it with a euphemism may only create an illusion and solve very little. My point of course is not to say that all religions are good, or that all persons whom are religious are good. My point is that it makes little sense to categorically deny religion because at root it is a system of beliefs. That would be to act in haste.

One other aspect to consider is this: in Christian circles, being religious has become synonymous to something like, being legalistic. But these are not two ways of saying the same thing. Legalism is to do things out of duty without understanding the meaning/significance of it. You can do anything, habitually, and devoid of significance. That is to say, you can do anything like robot. Many have responded by denying religiosity. But again this is to make a similar mistake as the aforementioned. You are mistaking a system of beliefs with doing things like an android.

I say be religious, have a system of beliefs (everyone already does anyway). Just be intent about examining them and critical about how you live and judge each system of beliefs by its constituent beliefs and their relations. Hating on Religion itself, is essentially hating on any body of interrelated beliefs and that is unclear thinking.

The Creator and the created.

2010-10-17T14:36:00.009-07:00

It is a beautiful Sunday afternoon. We got home from service, had some lunch and now I am sitting on the patio trying to take a moment to sit quietly, think, and perhaps speak 'a few reasonable words' (to borrow from Goethe). We are still learning (and very slowly) what it means to make the most of such a day. At church we often discuss the purpose of observing the sabbath and I am glad for it. The last thing I want it to become is another set of rules to follow for the sake of following them. I have a tendency to lose the meaning of things quickly and to settle into perfunctory motions. Mostly though I find myself still far from keeping the day holy probably because I am not fully convinced of its importance quite yet...

Today, I feel the tiredness of another week having passed. My statement is at once quite natural and odd. Natural because we often speak of time as something passing. As if it were a speeding train or river hurrying by. Of course, if it is a moving body of water, it is most certainly carrying us along for the ride. Despite the ease with which we talk about time, and the extent to which our lives are governed by it, I don't think many people think much about the nature of time. And this is why I have said my statement of the 'week passing' is odd. Consider for a moment this question: 'what is time?' Obviously it isn't the sort of thing you can bump into, taste, touch, or smell. On the other hand it doesn't seem quite like it is nothing either. I mean what can you say about nothing? Certainly not that it flows, or that it passes.

On one view, time is a relationship between events; this is what Aristotle believed. It is not that time is a thing or substance out there in the world (loosely the Newtonian picture), but rather a measure of change. On such a view, at least something must move, grow, speed up, slow down, be born, die, bounce, or roll in a word, something must change for there to be such a thing as time. In other words, without change it would be senseless to talk about time as a real. Imagine for a moment if everything in the universe were to suddenly freeze. There would be no new events (i.e., until everything were again unfrozen). There are other views regarding time's nature, but at least most agree that there is this intimate relationship between change and time.

It is interesting that according to Christian Theism, God is eternal, and unchanging. Provided we accept the relational view, we can conceive of time beginning to exist only with the first appearance of an event. This would mean that God would not be ignorant of time, but that he is also not constrained by it. Of course this is not true of us or anything in the material world. Everything is changing... and so we are confronted with the fundamental distinction between creation and the Creator.

The Christian Delusion

2010-06-29T19:19:00.008-07:00

This post finds me at my local corporate bookstore. I happened across a book titled, The Christian Delusion edited by John Loftus (author of Why I Became An Atheist). The book is a compilation of essays by various scholars (of various fields) about the implausibility of Christian belief. I have worked through the introduction and the first two essays in a semi-comfy green striped chair. I will have to return to my studies shortly, but the book has provided a good intermission. I also thought I might post a short blog about the book. What caught my attention about this work is that the so many of its contributors would consider themselves to have been at one time "believers."

The first essay was by an anthropologist and the second by a psychologist. To be honest, the former didn't peak much interest in me. The author essentially argued that some religions become cultures in that doctrines infiltrate every part of a persons life. This in turn is thought to make it more difficult for adherents of such coteries to obtain any amount of objectivity when assessing their beliefs. Instead of viewing religion as a crutch, the writer argued that religion is the very lens through which people interact with reality. I honestly can't understand how this was much of a contribution to academia. Ok, so people tend to be biased. No kidding... Perhaps I was hoping for too much from this guy...

The second essay on the other hand was a bit more intriguing. Its author considers a psychological explanation to the phenomena of "religious experiences" and "born again encounters." To be fair, he doesn't provide much scientific data, but rather recounts anecdotal evidence.

But before he gets into the gist of his argument some time is spent talking about just how irrational people tend to be according to the field of psychology. Again this is merely anecdotal, but it isn't very difficult for me to believe him. More specifically he points out that people will tend to accept beliefs based on feelings or sentiments rather than for good reasons (and often despite). In other words, people tend to express an irrational epistemology. Of course, this is a general statement that applies to all. Further it isn't a claim of necessity (that is people aren't necessarily always going to be irrational).

The next point was more interesting and had to do with "religious experiences." When believers are pressed for justification for their belief in an invisible God they often report having some personal, supernatural encounter. These experiences are phenomenal in that they are "felt" and such subjectivity is thought to be proof enough. The psychologist offers an interesting argument to repudiate such a view which is that these phenomenal experiences can be explained another way. What is more, he argues that a simpler psychological explanation can suffice to account for such experiences. In the philosophical and scientific communities there is such a thing called the principle of Parsimony. It is often overstated and presumptive but the general idea isn't super controversial. In essence, parsimony requires that when provided with two proposed explanations for a phenomena all things considered (that is, provided that the two proposals account for the phenomena equally well) then we ought to go with the simpler of the two. This often means that we shouldn't multiply entities beyond necessity. I have my qualms about parsimony but I think when applied well it is useful. Maybe an illustration of its application may help.

Suppose I hear a knocking sound on my front door which is not possible to see through. Not being able to see the cause of the sound I can hypothesize that a person is on the other side of the door causing the noise or I can posit that a mystical creature like an elf from some clandestine land is the cause. The latter requires me to make a further ontological commitment namely, the existence of some mystical being while the former does not (presumably people do exist). Both could equally explain the noise on my door of course, but one is simpler than the other. It is by this principle that the author of the essay in question concludes that "religious experiences" should not be accepted as proof in the existence of God. I think this is a strong argument against anyone who argues from religious experience alone to the existence of God. Such an argument would go something like this (and should make you cringe):

1) I had a esoteric, out of this world experience of God's presence.
2) Therefore, God must exist.

It is by all accounts a pretty terrible argument but I am sorry to say I hear it a lot among believers.

Dwelling in Darkness

2010-04-08T00:39:00.005-07:00

I should be asleep, but I am restless for some reason. I stayed up all evening into the early morning working on a paper for my History of Modern Philosophy class and thus I am going on very few hours of sleep. I suppose the writing of this blog, the subtle hum of the hard drive mixed with the sound of the tiny clicks that result from my key strokes and the silence of another day turning over will soon make heavy my eyelids...

I went outside to write on the patio because I thought it would be perfect on a night like this. But that lasted about 2 minutes. It was too cold outside. The idea of it was better than the actuality and I suppose that much of our lives are this way. We romanticize things, pursue them with all our might only to find that we are met with disappointment. Perhaps it is for this reason that some have resorted to enjoying the anticipation of an event more than the actual event; like the preparation of a trip over the trip itself.

This evening ended with a conversation that I had with my friend Chad. We talked a bit about how it is that we as humans tend to imprison ourselves. He likened it to a prisoner that find himself in Alcatraz today; despite the open cells and the constant visiting of tourists, such a person is deluded into thinking that he cannot leave. I thought that was an interesting metaphor; a true one. I have been thinking a great deal about the reason why such phenomenon occur, that is, why do we continue to keep ourselves shackled to our old, desparate ways of life? Or why are we so slow to change for the good?

At church our pastor often teaches about the reality of self deception and self justification in our lives. Scripture is saturated with examples. That is to say:

"The heart above all things is deceitful and desperately wicked." - Jeremiah 17:9

In our conversation we talked about how we hate the light just like it says in the prologue to John's gospel. Katie and I had a discussion about this the other day also. The gospel writer says that the word became flesh and dwelt among us, and that it was the light of nature. Further, those in darkness hated this light because of what it exposed. I have this picture in my mind of cave dwellers who know of nothing better than their dark, dingy, holes of earth. Then as light is shined upon them, it exposes just what a hole it is that they are living in. But instead of heading toward the truth (the light), it is as if the inhabitants simply shut their eyes, turn around and move only further into the depths of their depravity... but it just doesn't make sense why we respond in this manner. It is after all, a cave. It might be a different matter if we were flourishing; but we aren't.

It is incredible that I continue to hate the light and that I run from it. To add insult to injury, what I run to is worthless. This is our nature the depravity of sin in our lives. We are disgusted by what is beautiful and enticed by what is foul. Who can save us from this body of death?

Details

2010-04-02T20:33:00.005-07:00

It is Good Friday. It is the day that we believers commemorate the trial and death of our Lord. I woke up this morning as if it were any other Friday barely getting myself out of bed. I went about my routine and attended class and nothing was too far out of the ordinary. I returned home this afternoon and fell asleep for a time as a result of the lack of sleep I have experienced for much of this week. As I woke, I realized that it was in fact a special day and found myself upset that I had so easily forgotten.

I brewed some coffee and went for a short drive only to get out of the apartment for a while and upon my return began reading Matthew’s gospel beginning in Christ’s last teachings before he is brought before the Sanhedrian. Here is the picture: Jesus has just shared a number of parables with his followers, all of which seem to be centered on being watchful and prepared for things to come. Then they proceed to Simon's house just before the last supper when an unidentified woman (John records her as Mary) anoints Christ with costly perfume. The disciples grumble that she has wasted money, which is something that I could easily imagine myself saying in their place. John records that it was Judas in fact that led this charge interestingly enough. The Lord’s response is instructive as usual; he challenges the disciple’s narrow pragmatism; they are missing something of vital importance.

Christ's explanation cut me like a knife. Matthew recounts the savior's words as thus: “When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial…” It seems then that she knows and believes what is to come, something even the disciples will struggle to understand. Christ must be crucified to fulfill the prophecies, to save the world; she fully anticipates it. John provides us the further detail that she washed his feet with her hair and I think this is a beautiful picture of her adoration for Jesus. She knows that he must die at the hands of men, that he must leave her and I don't imagine this was easy for her but perhaps she has the will of God in mind something that Peter will soon wrestle with. Again it appears that Mary has paid close attention to the details putting the disciples to shame. If you will recall this is the same Mary that sat at foot of Christ in a previous episode, listening intently to his words while her sister Martha was busy with preparations. Mary is said to have chosen the more valuable...

I missed the bulk of Good Friday because I was busy with business as usual. I am most interested in what this might reveal about my divided heart these days. Am I seeking to know God above all else? Is He my portion? No, I continue to wrestle with God. I continue to get entangled in the vain things of this world. I am more like the disciples at the garden of Gethsamane who in light of the fact that their Lord is in deep distress, and in light of all that is to come, with heavy eyelids keep falling asleep...

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." - Matthew 26:41

24

2010-01-16T22:55:00.009-07:00

“Twenty -four failures, twenty-four tries…” -Switchfoot

The last year and a half have been a time of some significant changes. I have gotten engaged, left music for academia, and as I have previously mentioned Katie and I have started attending a new church. These are the apparent changes, but more remain under the surface and these I believe to be far more substantial. For one, I have been on a spiritual journey having left what was for so many years comfortable for me in exchange for the unknown. In some minor way I am reminded of the scriptures: Abraham was called by God to leave his home and travel to Ur, Moses from Egypt to the promised land and the apostles from Jerusalem to the Gentile nations.

I suppose we may all be called at some time to abandon that which is most familiar to us in order to sojourn to the beyond. Unfortunately, though we may leave our past surroundings toward the call it is often not without baggage. The manner in which we have previously grown creates for us certain paradigms, ways of thinking and acting, sometimes perfunctory patterns and as we venture out we find a collision of spheres: New wine and old wine skins. Thus, the journey is long and arduous with great obstacles. We encounter a battle within ourselves and all of our:

“twenty-four parts…”

According to biblical tradition, the Israelites essentially walked around in a circle for 40 years because their hearts required immense change; they had to be broken of their former ways of existence and it wasn’t pretty and I guess I feel as though I have been and continue on a similar path.

I have been a child in the spiritual sense for years. I have survived off of only milk.. I have had zeal without knowledge and have thought like a child. But I am trying to move ahead toward the Zion; to put off childish ways and to reason like a man only I continue to crawl on the floor dribbling at the chin.

“There’s twenty-four reasons to admit that I’m wrong, with all my excuses still twenty-four strong…"

In Deuteronomy 2, it is written that God had to humble the hearts of his people during the exhausting exodus to the land of the promise. Through their complaining and nostalgia for Egypt they had to press on, but they had to be transformed in the process and this could be done no other way than through constant failures, which I suppose could bring one to their knees.

I was thinking about all of this when I turned to the book of Hebrews a moment ago. Here is sort of the outline of the epistle: Paul exhorts believers not to neglect the word of God (Ch 2); warns the church about regressing in learning and instead exhorts us to progress from immaturity to solid food (Ch 5 and 6); commands us to abstain from willful sinning which he equates to “trampling on the Son of God”, regarding “profane the blood of Christ”, and “insulting the Spirit of Grace” all of which are to bring judgment (Ch 10:26-31). Furthermore, the apostle calls us to endure (Ch 12) in light of the groundwork that has been laid by our parents in the faith (mentioned in Ch 11). This is then followed by a section on God’s discipline of those he calls children. Struggling against sin and enduring in the faith (against the odds) appear to be the context of the "fatherly discipline."

Tonight I was also thinking about some of my recent conversations with others of the faith. There remains great division within the church and substantive discussions too often confront us with this fact. Thus, as I venture out beyond- as I journey away from what has been comfortable and familiar, I encounter disparities with previous mentors and friends and this is not without some degree of pain. How interesting though that I am also struggling with the disparities within my self and I’d imagine that I am not alone in this. In fact, St. Augustine spends much of his Confession on this very issue. The apostle Paul in similar spirit wrote: “The good I want to do I don’t do and that which I don’t want to do I end up doing.” As I look at my journey I continue to discover my failings, inadequacies, depravity, and in short, the lack of unity within myself. I am a house divided against itself and at times I get pretty weary of encountering this reality. How many crappy things do I have to learn about myself each day and why do I keep failing?

"But I want to be one today, centered in truth…”

I'm glad I kept reading as I found these words towards the end of the letter to the Hebrews:

“No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but healed instead.” Hebrews 12:11-12

One day "the lion will lay with the lamb" (Isaiah 11:6) and the church will be united as the bride of Christ (Rev 19:7) and along the way I suppose I will by his grace, pull my twenty-four pieces together.

Advent of Sabbath

2009-12-20T17:54:00.012-07:00

As December winds down and as Christmas draws near I can't believe that 2010 is just around the corner. I don't recall a year that has been this eager to end. This morning I attended church and since that time I went home, made a little lunch and have been doing a little reading in the Westminster Confession of Faith as well as, looking through some of the Psalms. All this in an effort to keep the sabbath. Unfortunately, this is a rather foreign concept for me even though I have been a believer for sometime now. I think that somehow the sabbath though a significant part of the history of Christianity has been jettisoned along with a number of other significant traditions in the process of modernization or perhaps more specifically Americanization. For the most part I like millions of other self professing believers around the country dedicated a couple of hours at a church service and then rushed to a Rubios or IHOP to eat. This was followed by 12 or so hours of watching movies, hanging out, or otherwise carrying on with work. In other words, sabbath was just another day excepting the fact that I spent a couple hours at church singing songs and hearing a message. Recently, Katie and I have been attempting to learn about the sabbath, what it is scripturally and how it is that we can honor the Lord on this day. Luckily we have had a few friends who have been on a similar journey that have been pointing us in the right direction. The Westminster Confession states:

This Sabbath is to be kept holy unto the Lord when men, after a due preparing of their hearts, and ordering of their common affairs beforehand, do not only observe an holy rest all the day from their own works, words, and thoughts about their wordly employments and recreations, but also are taken up the whole time in the public and private exercises of His worship, and in the duties of necessity and mercy.

A few of the corresponding scriptures are Exodus 20:8, Exodus 16:23-30, Exodus 31:15-17, and Isaiah 58:13 for those who might be inquiring. Anyway, as I have already mentioned it hasn't been easy to follow, that is, keeping the worship of God in the forefront of my mind, in my thoughts, in my words and my actions has proven to be quite difficult even for one day a week and I guess it reveals something about my life overall. If I am struggling to do this one day a week what might this reveal about the rest of my days?

Nevertheless, I think we are slowly learning. At first it felt a bit encumbering like rules tend to feel at initial glance. I was reading The History of Western Philosophy by Bertrand Russell last night and the first chapter was on Ancient Greece. Russell traces how Greek thought was an admixture of primitive science and religion. Moreover, he notes that as empiricism and rationality began to advance in that part of the world, it was met by an opposition of radical superstition as if the people were reverting (rather than progressing) as a result of the shift towards civility. In fact, some of the religious practices that were re-emerging were rather barbaric paralleling those of centuries before. Anyway, I've said all that to say that maybe it's pretty natural for people to revert in the face of challenges. More importantly though, I found that it was very easy to slip into the wrong mentality about the whole thing. For example, as I describe the sabbath day to others I find that they naturally tend towards asking about the things i can and cannot do. I did the same thing when I first started to hear about it, but that is to fall into a sort of legalism and to forget the heart of it all. The true question should be: "what can I do today to honor God?" as opposed to "what is it that I can get away with doing today?" Thus, I find as I have grown up for the most part without any concept of sabbath that I have a great deal to unlearn and learn.

I shared all this because as I spent today thinking about the sabbath (though quite against my natural inclination) I began to think also about Advent and the relationship between the two. It has become rather cliched now for Christians to shout that Christmas has been secularized. I have heard enough sermons about how it's better to say "Merry Christmas" than "Happy Holidays" to make me quite queasy. Yes, Christmas is not about shopping, santa, gift giving, egg nog, or mistletoe and I agree with all of this, but it seems strange that believers by in large don't seem very concerned over the sabbath. Strangely enough, although there is no command about celebrating Christmas, there are explicit and implicit directions regarding the sabbath. It seems that the sabbath has also been secularized only nobody seems to care much about it. It seems for the most part that Sunday has become a mere day off, opportunity for overtime, golf day, movie day, or IHOP day. In fact, the movies and restaurants are filled with happy church goers, in other words, we encourage that others work on the Lord's day. What is more, we spend it as a leisure day rather than a day of worship; we make it about us instead of Him and I guess as I look at everything Christmas has become, all the shiny lights, decorations, and all of the excess and as I think about how Christians have been fighting to "win back Christmas" I can't help but think that perhaps we are missing something here. Perhaps the secularization of Easter, Christmas, and the sabbath has as much to do with what we as believers have made of our lives as it does about non believers influencing culture. Perhaps that our society has lost the meaning of our precious occasions is only symptomatic of something more fundamental, namely the state of our hearts as the church. If we cannot maintain a day each week to focus on worship then how should we expect to maintain the proper attitude towards occasions like Advent. Further, if we as the church have lost the meaning of advent then what can we expect from secular culture?

Learning to Love.

2009-01-17T01:10:00.002-07:00

It's been a while...and somethings have changed drastically, and somethings remain the same.

I'm sitting outside of the school library alone- watching the sun quickly recede into the deep. Darkness is coming upon me crashing down in giant waves, it is smothering the light and soon it will be evening.

I imagine the headlights of cars, store signs and street lamps coming to life all around this desert state- in various colors, some of them flickering and hesitating for a moment due to years of routine...some shimmering proudly like the stars that line the heavens, others bashfully glowing with a low hum...soaked in earthly humility. For a moment I wish I were floating up above just beyond the clouds, so that I might witness the show... how tiny dots would suddenly sparkle in succession, appearing from one dotted gridline to another. Perspective can change the mundane to the majestic.

This week has been rather tumultuous and I feel weak at the moment. I have begun a relationship and am learning that loving someone is difficult. It is something to be learned and thoughtfully, carefully approached. It is not necessarily because she is hard to love, but rather that drawing close to someone tends to expose more of oneself... she is a mirror by which I am able to see myself and all of the ugly parts...parts I thought I had long lost... But they are here, in full fledge in some cases freshly drawn out from deep recesses of the person I once was... I am selfish, needy, insecure, proud and stubborn and it's hurting the person I am trying to love. What is more, I am struggling to receive her love... questioning it as if it were something fleeting, mysterious, like the morning haze... or a dream from which I will soon awaken from...and I am realizing that I feel hardly worth the love of another... hardly worth her affections because it still remains at times that I am my own worst enemy.

I don't want to be this way... it's difficult and I feel broken and alone. I want to be stronger for us...to protect her from all that is wrong with the world...but i can't help but feel sometimes that she needs most to be protected from me...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13)

For Christmas I suprised Katie with a beta fish in an interesting vase/water pitcher. Two long stem roses were placed soaring up above the pitchers opening while blue and clear marbles filled the floor, accenting the glittery scales of mr. fish. This has been something we have both since enjoyed a great deal... The vase/water pitcher is in fact a water pitcher from a trendy home furnishings store, and thus has a very unique shape.

This afternoon, I was over at Katie's place and she had begun cleaning this uniquely shaped aquarium. In my attempt to help I dropped the vase in the sink shattering it to pieces. Fortunately, the fish had already been stored away in his hotel room (that is the cup i bought him in), thus no animals were harmed in the making of this accident, but the vase was reduced to nothing but shards. We spent sometime cleaning up the kitchen as the glass was just everywhere, on the counter, the sink, floor and even imbedded in my shirt. We were both upset, but quiet and relatively slow in our actions. It had been a difficult day and to be honest I had been a pretty shitty boyfriend all morning... As we left the kitchen, I noticed fine specks of glass on my hands and arms sparkling in the light and so I did my best to brush them off outside...as we left the house, Katie came close to hug me because she knew I was feeling less then great, not only because of the accident, but because of the kind of morning we had had... The truth was, I was scared to touch her for fear that there might still be glass remaining on me that might cut her... and so I handled her hands and her hugs with great caution as if I were holding something too delicate and invaluable, as if I were somehow infected and contagious.

And I guess at the moment I am realizing something about love and about myself. I am covered in pieces of jagged glass, embedded deep in my soul. Some pieces so fine that they pass fastidious sweeps... but sharp and harmful they remain. I have to learn how to handle more gently...because the things I do, the words I speak are sharp and piercing and I'm hurting the one I love most in this life. She is delicate, soft and invaluable and I always just feel so damn clumsy in this thing like a bear on a unicycle trying to hold on to priceless, porcelain antique.

I will say this. I am learning and relearning (daily) my need for Grace. She grants me this day after day... and often I don't know how or even why, but I am thankful and undeserving, which sort of is assumed in the idea of grace I suppose. I am learning though I think...or at least trying to and this is no small task and love, real love is scaling mountain after mountain, it is finding truth, facing it and changing accordingly, it is a persistent trial by fire, constantly dying and finding life by the Grace of another.

.

like a thousand brush strokes...

2008-10-14T20:46:00.003-07:00

Today has been quite a roller coaster of emotions... the peculiarity is in the fact that nothing out of the ordinary occured. I woke up this morning to the sound of my alarm clock just as the 100 or so days behind, bathed and headed to school, attended classes and hung out with friends, laughed and conversed... and almost out of habit, camped out in the library until night fall reading lenghty dissertations on metaphysics... That was what occured on the outside at least... internally I came together and fell apart repeatedly and honestly lost count... like an oscillating universe.

I think I'm ok though, honestly this is no new territory for me and I intend on pulling through. Sure some days are worse than others...and there are severely intense moments when the air feels as heavy as lead...but I get through them too placing one foot in front of the other, taking one laborious breathe after another.
And what can I conclude? But that this is life and as the fatalist would proclaim: "we must have it any way it comes."

I am back to embracing the small moments, the moments we often take for granted because of the subtly of their nature. People generally live for the grand moments, weddings, graduations, promotions and births...and these may rightfully bring us great pleasure... but we often risk missing out on the nuances of life... perhaps it is these nuances that provide for the grander experiences... like the thousands of tiny brush strokes it takes for a painting to mean anything.

This evening I drove home with the windows down because the city didn't feel real enough...I needed to hear the sound of bustling cars and find the smell of gasoline burning in the air... As I turned the dark corner into my neighborhood, the scent of burning wood and the feeling of cold reached my senses, immediately causing my mind to bring up the fondest holiday memories I have to date...memories of cold evenings spent with my warm family... I saw my grandmother's house for a brief moment, which was always decorated to a beautiful excess. The cotton snow that covered her armoires, the tiny village of houses that lit up and the collection of soldiers that filled the house with songs of Christmas by rining bells in a programmed succession... I could even smell cookies warming in the oven-teasing our appetites... Most of all I saw my parents when they were younger and still appeared to me invincible, my beloved cousins, brother, and my Uncle Jim, Aunt Lottie, and my Grandmother all together in that old house under the soft glow of Christmas lights... and though I knew that I was simply having a recollection, I couldn't help but smile and feel pleasantly nostalgic.

Of course it's been years since we've all been together like that... and time has taken from me three of my loved ones. For those of us that still remain, we've all grown older. And the holidays have taken a much different form... there is less mystery, less anticipation... the things that seem to fade with age...

The human brain is said to store memories of specific incidences in the temporal cortex, which is the lower portion of the organ. It is true that some unpleasant experiences are to be found here, but we need this area to recall all the moments we long deeply to hold on to... and these moments that we have grown to cherish are more than random images that have been impressed on our minds... so long as we may keep them, they may be a source for the subtle joys I spoke of... where the whispers of pleasure are released...where the shadows of happiness are cast... And tonight I relish this moment, even though it is but a memory.

Memorial

2008-10-14T00:00:00.002-07:00

3 years ago, my beloved grandmother passed away. She was a tremendous person and I was blessed to have had her in my life...she would be so thrilled that I was back in school...

How I wish that I could be sitting with her at this moment, over a mexican pizza (with extra guacamole) at Nino's. She would be asking me about my courses, my love life and whether I had music for her...then listening intently to my boring stories she would peer at me through her large plastic glasses, revealing a warm adoration in her eyes. At moments she might grab the hair on my chin and tickle me just to see me smile...and at every opportunity afforded to her, she would tell me how wonderful I was, how much I meant to her...and how proud she was of me... never has walked a gentler, more beautiful woman...and I miss her deeply right now.

Here is a blog that I wrote only a few days after her passing, I guess I just want to remember her...

i am alone, in an empty store...gazing into the cloudy autumn sky. It was a long weekend...and it seems to have carried over. Thursday evening, my grandmother passed away. She was very dear to me...to all of us and now we are forced to deal with this tremendous loss.

It was a very strange and strenuous weekend for me. I find only now as I sit here restlessly...with many hours ahead...that i feel up to the task of talking about this at all. For the most part I kept it to myself...in the days shortly following this event. I just didn't want to talk about it... I didn't care to hear what anyone (outside of the family) had to say about it. I didn't want condolences...i didn't want to hear that she had lived a long life...that it was her time, that she was now in heaven... i simply wanted time to mourn...and i still do.

I have started to tell some of my friends...for pragmatic reasons...since the rest of this week is going to be dedicated to memorial services and family affairs, i have had to cancel some things... but i'm still not up to really talking about how i feel with anyone...

I don't feel like i can't live. I don't feel overwhelmed.

I just feel a deep pain at the center of my being. Like something was torn out suddenly- something I cherished, something i needed, something i can't ever have back.

and nothing feels quite the same. The world just seems somehow flatter... greyer... and everything seems to move just a little bit slower.

Friday and Saturday were beautiful days....they were blessed by clear blue skies, and mildly warm weather... and i could see this... i mean objectively...they were... but i couldn't feel them...i couldn't feel the soothing breezes, or the warmth of sun against my skin... i couldn't feel how wonderful the days were...i just had to trust my eyes...that this was the case.

and now it's overcast...and i feel somehow this weather is more justified.

Attempting to continue my routine is at once therapeutic and equally painful. I have been going on long aimless drives these last few nights... although I don't feel very much like hanging out with friends... i feel restless when i stay in...and the open road, the movement, the scenery, the unknown, it seems to provide me some solace.

The last two evenings i have taken a particular road north...for miles and miles until it ends.
After sometime through the city it leads to a curvy expanding road.. with small hills to the east... it's a liberating drive...wide, open, empty...w/ very few other vehicles... i like most, to stare into the openess, into the deep...the quiet.

As I persist for several more minutes i end up in a remote housing development... There are at most, a handful of tenants occupying several square miles...because the community is still in early development. More hills surround the area...particularly to the north...opposing the development are miles and miles of desert. I have come here, to sit in solitude... i'm not sure what it is i'm looking for. i don't know that i'm looking for anything at all... somehow coming here, alone... makes me feel a bit more calm. It's so serene, so different from the city...you can hear the wind as it passes by caressing the leaves... i watch tiny aeroplanes passing by and every now and then a tiny sound of what seems to be a vehicle can be heard...but all of this, everything, is at a distance.

I witnessed a coyote walking through the development late last night and i imagined it strolling through the ghostly neighborhood, staring at the bizarre structures... and lights, trying to make sense of the uninvited suburban development that was taking over what used to be his backyard. I thought it tragic to consider one day he would simply have nowhere to go. When he noticed me he took a more immediate pace...making his way back to the hills... i followed with my eyes in wonder...until he faded into the night... until it was time for me to head back.

This is my mourning. I love you grammy and I miss you.

Grey

2008-10-08T23:37:00.004-07:00

by Ani Difranco

The sky is grey,
the sand is grey,
and the ocean is grey.
I feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome,
alone in my way.

I smoke and I drink
and every time I blink,
I have a tiny dream.
But as bad as I am,
I'm proud of the fact,
that I'm worse than I seem.

What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny thing will wash up on the shore.

You walk through my walls,
like a ghost on tv.
You penetrate me...
And my little pink heart,
is on its little brown raft,
floating out to sea.

And what can I say?
but I'm wired this way,
and you're wired to me.
And what can I do,
but wallow in you unintentionally?

What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore.

Regretfully, I guess I've got
three simple things to say.
Why me? Why this now? Why this way?
Overtone's ringing,
undertow's pulling away.

Under a sky that is grey,
on sand that is grey,
by an ocean that's grey...

*

I want to evaporate...

2008-10-04T14:18:00.006-07:00

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I find myself at the library preparing for two midterm exams I will have to face on Monday. It's been some months since I was able to drive with the windows down, but it's finally in the 80's and we are assured that we have seen the last of triple digit temperatures for the year. I say, halleujah!

As i drove to school, it began to sprinkle and I held my left arm out of the window to feel the first of autumn showers...It felt cold and refreshing against my tired skin... I had Max Richter (a modern composer) playing on the stereo... his short composition "Horizon Variations" is so richly, beautiful... a two minute piano piece that seems to capture the complex mix of emotions that I am feeling these days, and this without even a single word. As I waited at a stop light, the song repeated for the fourth time and I stared up above in search of even a speck of blue amidst the thick, rain-laden clouds... but a brewing storm caused a wide impervious barrier of mild darkness to wash over every trace of color, and I imagined that life today would be pale and moody for the millions living in this great city of the sun.

Upon arriving on campus, I walked the hundred yards to the library. Being the weekend, the journey was quiet and lonely. A strange idleness filled the school from building to building... empty tables were surrounded by empty chairs, and the walkways and sidewalks and the halls of this crowded university, were calm and hollow save the distant echoes of monday morning chatter.

At the moment I am in the library and I should be studying, but I find my thoughts to be miles from anything academic. I feel abstract not analytical today...As strange as it all may sound, I feel as though I want to come undone... to be pulled apart into a hundred million particles.... to evaporate, with tiny pieces of me scattered into the ocean, upon giant trees, falling into dust

and then floating into the air, where you could breathe me in...

Hindu's believe that God is everything... "Brahman" represents all of matter, and God -and the two are inseparable... in essence we are one with all, the universe and God... extensions, not distinctions. And this appeals to me right now, at least the idea. I want to feel a part of everything because everything feels so painfully disconnected...or rather I feel so separated from all, everything and everyone. I would venture to say that we all struggle with this... that it is the fundamental, existential dilemma of humanity...and perhaps this is why pantheistic, systems have their appeal... it (at least in concept) ties us to this enormous universe...the unconscious cosmos that seems at times so cold, unpredictable, and apathetic to our lives... The Christian message is that all of this was in some way created for us... as an expression of God's glory and as an expression of ours. We are highly distinctive from all matter, and it was not for the stars or planets, or created order that Christ shed his blood, but for humanity alone...and it is humanity alone, not animals or the trees or even the endless galaxies, that is called into a love affair with God... that is called the apple of His eye... and I think that is quite beautiful. The difficulty is that everything in this life seems to try and tear man away from God... and again, we are so highly distinctive of the Divine, how can we be united in our brokenness to His perfection?

...Remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. -Ephesians 2:12-18

It is a beautiful day, and I guess I'll try and search for whatever it might mean to enjoy it.

.

Untitled

2008-09-25T00:46:00.003-07:00

Christendom speaks of a personal God whom reaches out across the eternal stretch between the infinite and the finite...the noumenal and the phenomenal. It was Christ afterall who had to enter our world as a vulnerable man because we could not in all our collective brillance and effort reach out to find the very creator of our souls...

but what happens when God feels like a shadow? Like a fuzzy memory of someone I once knew... He is still strangely quiet, though I am told that all of creation shouts of his splendor... Perhaps God is reluctant, whispering under His breathe now...perhaps he has not left his sabbath after setting the firmarments... or perhaps we've chased Him away...

The Deists like Thomas Jefferson believed that God formed the world and then removed Himself from it's affairs entirely. In a sense, a form of functional atheism; God had no relevance to existence and I guess at the moment I can sympathize with their peculiar view... A friend of mine shared with me that someone in her family had been in a serious accident yesterday. Today a midst all the doubts I have been having lately, I managed to mutter a feable prayer through my warm tears... I pleaded with God that He might reveal his mercy and power...his relevance... I told God that I had no idea what His will was in this situation, but that I just really wanted this person to be delivered and asked Him to hear me... early this evening, the person in question passed away...and the news echoes in my mind...

At this moment, it follows that I feel I am in for another disappointment. It looms just around the corner....feeling so inevitable, like it will stream through the cracks of my window, with the early morning rays... And the dawn will bring with it a strange sickness to my stomach, a dull ache that will follow me through the days, throwing fits of sharp pain between the tenants of my demanding schedule...it will hit me hardest in the idelness of afternoon...under the autumn skies... as I drive home leaving another day behind...

And I know, I'll be fine, that things will work themselves out as they seem to...or at least as we have grown to accept.

Time it swallows everything, from the mighty to the meager things...
-Amos Lee

and I will evolve and change and grow...again. The seasons will continue to unfold, new people will enter and the old exit, cars will fill the motorways and planes the skies, the suburban sprawl will widen it's wings, news will still travel at lightning speed... time will drizzle away just as it always has...and life as I know it will take one clumsy step after another...it will keep going...

and I know that this will not be the last of my challenges...nor is it strange and unusual, but simply that which is common to man...I know all of this...and yet it brings me no level of comfort, no sleep tonight. Perhaps I am afraid to close my eyes now...afraid of the morning, afraid of what that will mean...or what I will come to realize... perhaps I am quite comfortable here, now... in the purgatory of late evening...suspended in limbo, alone. Perhaps I will stay here just a little bit longer...until the dawn breaks me.

Looking for More.

2008-09-10T23:40:00.006-07:00

I am beyond tired and I really should be going to bed right about now, but I just got home, found myself famished, and so I cooked myself a late dinner. I generally get an upset stomach if I sleep immediately following a meal so here I am typing away about nothing.

We had club tonight and there was quite a number in attendance. I was asked to sign people up for small group, which meant that I was running around with clip boards and applications. I don't very much care for this type of task, mainly because I feel like I'm selling something. I can kind of see it in the eyes of some of the people I talk to, that they might perceive me that way... they walk in the door, get rushed by smiling folks wanting to make them a name tag, then pulled to a table to sign up for college weekend, and then there I am trying to talk over all the noise about the great benefits of being in a small group. It's a madhouse, and sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of the stock exchange floor.

We had a guest speaker for the message this evening, he leads a high school Younglife in town. I've heard him speak a few times now and the students always seem to enjoy him. He seems genuinely sincere and likeable and passionate about sharing his faith. But the truth is I found the contents of his message troubling for me personally. As I've mentioned before, I've been having a real crisis of faith these past few months mainly in terms of the nature of God. Consequently, when I hear people talking about their understanding of God, His function in their lives I listen intently. Truth be told, often I simply cannot relate to what I hear and I wonder if we seek after the same being...

My professor of religion believes that there are 3 levels to religious beliefs. The popular, historical and the philosohpical. The popular level deals solely with practical and psychological needs, it is shallow and wide and is the point where people use a system of faith to function daily in a highly pragmatic sense. The philosophical on the other hand has to do with the challenges and questions that go further, deeper beyond the day to day functions.

I often hear people talk about God as if He were a genie in a bottle, but one that is very limited in scope. They tell me that they prayed for a specific car, and the exact shape and color and number of miles were granted, like a wish come true... and they feel that God loves them immensely because he even considered the meticulous details... far less often (maybe twice in my entire life) have I heard of someone praying for a friend or family member who is severely ill or in immense suffering, and their relentless prayers were answered. And I struggle with this fact... and I have to wonder if it is that God more readily answers our trivial prayers... or if it may be true that we more often obsess over nonesense and attain things out of sheer stubborness of will and then attribute it to God to keep our faith system (however faulty) intact.

I say all of this because the speaker tonight talked about how God would bless people if they would truly follow Him. In sharing with us about what it was like to follow Christ, he chose to mention that God had blessed him with finances and two houses and a vehicle. But it all seemed to trivialize God to some extent. To make our religion, popular. Is that really what we're spending our time praying for? More stuff? Is that reason enough for to follow the cross? Are there not larger battles to fight, more imperative ones?

Is this what Christendom has been reduced to? Follow Jesus and he will hook you up?

.

The Weight of Beauty

2008-09-07T12:30:00.013-07:00

This blog finds me sitting in a coffee shop in Flagstaff. My weekend was surrounded by the beauty of Williams, which sits about 30 miles to the west of my current location. I drove up Friday evening to attend a Leadership camp for Young Life and Friday quickly led to Sunday morning, when bags were clumsily stuffed with dirtied clothes and memories... It was an interesting weekend though and for the most part it was enjoyable. The days were filled with activities, interesting conversations, seminars, poor sleep and indoor volleyball... and I am glad I made the trip, though it means that I have a great deal of studying to catch up on this evening. It was enjoyable and yet not without pain and struggle...not without longing, as it seems with so many things in life... at least this has been my experience thus far.

Perhaps beauty has an intrinsic cost. An artist can create an amazing work of art, a painting that may strike awe in a great number of others, inspire them, make them fall in love and yet her soar arms and joints, the paint under her fingernails, the paint smeared over her arms and clothing speak of a price... the labor, albeit a labor of love. The painting is no less beautiful, and perhaps some might even conclude that it is all the more so in light of the pain involved... but it often seems romanticized from the perspective of the witness, not by the one whom has struggled.

As I headed home (and obviously i didn't make it very far) I drove with the windows down and stereo off, which if you know much about me, you realize it is a rare thing for me to exclude music from my experiences. The highway pierced narrowly through fields of golden dandelions swaying softly in the wind, as if they were dancing to a song, a song that was felt but unheard... The summer skies spread the pale clouds out across the hills...and the vivid colors, the shapes and textures swirled inside my very soul. I was journeying into a painting so glorious that it pointed up above where time and imagination serve as tools and not limitations. But I couldn't help wondering then of the costs... if our broken lives have been our share in the labor, if His broken body, the price...

The air was cool and light, pleasantly curling around my head, like a soft, empathetic hand- it touched my shoulders and grazed my neck as the cabin of my truck took deep breathes to drink in the breeze. It was within such a moment that I decided I would stop in Flagstaff to do my studies instead of hurrying home. I'm not ready to leave the forest... but I may never be.

It was also during this short, but moving drive that I had a strange thought to quit school. It was but a passing thought I admit, and yet a real one. I guess I was thinking about just how structured it all seems, pursuing a degree that is... and though I am interested in the material I don't enjoy the way I have to arrive at it. It seems unlike me, to sit in a stuffy classroom and make note cards and cram for exams... I want to be walking along the ocean, the warm sand against my feet thinking about why it feels so good and why there is such beauty in the world... to ponder why it is we are here and why we keep getting hurt... I want to be strumming my guitar and the chords in my throat, sending waves into the universe...and pouring out songs of how I just keep falling apart... I want the sum of my time, the culmination of my days and years to mean more than a respectable job, a shiny new car and finding the American Dream... but this isn't because I am in some way enlightened or closer to dying to myself... I wish it were... The truth is, I arrive at this conclusion mostly for selfish reasons, because that lifestyle seems rather drab and dull to me... the status quo rubs me like indistinguishable shades of grey.... and I want to dream in color... And though I have no idea what that looks like...I do know what it doesn't resemble.

But like I mentioned, though I had a good time, I felt torn this weekend. To be among natural splendor and the tranquility of the mountains, among good natured people who were engaging and well intentioned and yet still feeling like I was somehow cosmically lost, like a star that had ventured too far out into space, too far to give off any light... too far to be considered a star any longer. I struggled because God still seemed so distant... a great distance from real and present and it was killing me, I guess it still is. Perhaps I am living in a paradox, I'm living in that space between...beyond what is reconcilable, I am living in a gap and I just want it to stop hurting, for it to stop kicking the crap out of me. Sometimes I wonder if this might be my lot in life... for we must all bear a cross each of and everyone one of us... perhaps it is my cost, the price I must pay, my weight of beauty. If this were the case, I can only hope that at the end of this weary life, something amazing would result, something of worth that might allow others to feel awe, be inspired and to fall in love...

Christ promises living water from which streams would flow, reaching unto eternity... but I thirst.

.

Stars beyond the scope of vision.

2008-09-03T15:39:00.022-07:00

So here I am in my second week of school and thus I have been holed up in the library the last 12 or so days, for hours at a time. It is from this very library, from a very familiar seat -with window view, that I type this, as I break away from my studies momentarily. It is warm and murky outside and I find myself fighting two heavy eyelids and a wandering mind, both indications that I have not had ample sleep the last few nights.

Following two-back to back Ethics lectures, I headed over to the cafe for a meal and watched the news for a few moments as they interviewed "experts" on their opinions regarding Governor Palin; the question at hand- whether she would be overwhelmed with the Vice Presidency considering her familial responsibilities. Strangely this story was quite the welcomed escape for me because the discussion at hand was about something so highly specific and immediately practical. For the last several days I have been knee deep in lectures and readings offered by Plato, Immanuel Kant, Confucius, J.S. Mill, and St. Thomas Aquinas on topics raging from the plausibility of the existence of God, to varying theories and counter theories on Morality/Ethics and the philosophy of religion itself... I actually feel on edge somehow, as if I must critically analyze every passing thought... to the point of feeling as though I want to fold to the nonsensical belief of true skepticism.

After this short break, I journeyed through the center of our modest sized campus where many of the different student clubs had set up tables to appeal to the students passing by. Colorful banners, loud pop music and cheap, useless incentives littered the courtyard making the University look more like a bustling flea market than an institution for higher learning. There were religious/spiritual clubs, fraternities, sororities, an African American association, and a number of event based organizations; a myriad of groups crying out for attention. And I thought for a second how we all just want the sense that we belong somewhere, that we are not alone.

A friend of mine recently admitted to me his greatest fear in life was to be alone and this is evident in the fact that he is constantly surrounding himself with company and I mean that not as a criticism, but rather matter-of-factly. On the other hand I have been inconsistent about company and have spent a great deal of my time without in recent months... and in some ways I began to pride myself in the fact that I did not need to be around other people all of the time... I guess I thought this meant that I was more independent somehow and not so afraid of being alone... but I think this has been a false conclusion.

The truth is I hate feeling alone probably just as much as the next person, just as much as my friend... and I do fear it, I fear it a great deal... or at least fear that it could get worse or be a perpetual state. But the thing is, to me loneliness has always been more of a philosophical problem than an environmental one. What I mean is that it is far deeper a dilemma that may have little to do with whether you are with people or in solitude. I think a person may feel alone in the company of his/her closest friends, sitting around the dinner table with a loving family, in the arms of true love.. at least I have found this to be true. This is not to say that being physically isolated isn't problematic, it does in fact have psychological consequences, but what I'm considering at the moment is the converse, why people can feel alone when they are not in fact alone. But I speak from my experience, never having to have faced actual, physical isolation for any substantial periods of time...so I may be incomplete in my thinking.

Lately, "Community" has become the big buzz word among Evangelical circles. The emergent church writers have filled our bookshelves with seemingly radical ideas on "doing life together" as a fundamental part of what Jesus taught and I think it is a beautiful concept that does permeate the scriptures. Yet I can't help but wonder if we might often view it as some kind of a solution to this problem of loneliness. So when we hear of someone who is struggling with feeling alone, we think that they should immerse themselves in the busyness of community...we think that if we can make them feel loved and accepted, understood and heard and a part of something that they will begin to feel better... it seems quite obvious, if someone feels alone, they must be in need to be with and around other people right? but perhaps this isn't always the case... If I am correct in asserting the idea that loneliness is in fact primarily a philosophical problem then it would follow that merely changing the circumstances wouldn't do the trick... But again perhaps I overstate my idea... I don't know if in fact it is more of a philosophical problem than a material one...or more of a circumstantial problem than an existential one... I think I can, for the time being safely say that it is likely to be at least as much a problem of the soul as it is of the body... back to the books, but maybe I'll touch on this more later....

I leave you with an excerpt from D.H. Lawrence's controversial book, Women In Love:

[A conversation between Ursula and Rupert who are romantically involved.]

"Love gives out in the last issues?" she asked, feeling numb to the lips.

"Yes, it does. At the very last, one is alone, beyond the influence of love. There is a real impersonal me, that is beyond love, beyond any emotional relationship. So it is with you. But we want to delude ourselves that love is the root. It isn't. It is only the branches. The root is beyond love, a naked kind of isolation, an isolated me, that does not meet and mingle, and never can."

She watched him with wide, troubled eyes. His face was incandescent in its abstract earnestness.

"And you mean you can't love?" she asked, in trepidation.

"Yes, if you like. I have loved. But there is a beyond, where there is not love."

She could not submit to this. She felt it swooning over her. But she could not submit.

"But how do you know -- if you have never really loved?" she asked.

"It is true, what I say; there is a beyond, in you, in me, which is further than love, beyond the scope, as stars are beyond the scope of vision, some of them."

Chasm

2008-08-04T17:44:00.018-07:00

I haven't blogged in sometime now...rather I haven't published any blogs recently. There hasn't been any profound reason for my lack of posting, at the same time I haven't felt like I have had anything substantial to share either, if I'm honest I guess I never really do, rather I close my eyes, type wildly and hope for the best... But alas, regardless of my absence...both the small and substantial events of life move along as always like a steady stream of cars on a dimly lit interstate... and I make a concerted effort to process them as they come... but soon and inevitably, the happenings and non happenings, situations and changes are often too numerous or too much to digest employing my limited faculties. Try as I may, I encounter a bottleneck, congestion...and soon the steady flow of motorists are nudging one another for more elbow room and priority... and more often than not I feel as though there just isn't the time, or capacity to encounter even a small portion of what constitutes this life...and perhaps this only speaks of a larger idea... an idea that I have not been shy about discussing here...the chasm that exists in our reality and the reality that we are one day promised...

Often I think that in this life we flirt with eternity in rare moments... as we look upon stars that no longer are, but continue to shine through the inconceivable distances of space...or when we fall in love with the sight of the sun as it retires behind the horizon, setting the skies aflame and filling our souls with colors so vibrant and mysterious that they moisten our eyes...and we conceive and philosophize about timelessness and a heaven beyond reach and by doing so perhaps we drive around it's boundless edges... and it seems apparent to me that we deeply long for it...for something like nothing we know. To be engulfed and changed by the eternal and to be lost in it's endlessness. If you ask any number of people about their deepest desires, the desires they may be initially too embarrassed to share...I think that more often than not, somewhere in between the lines of their words you will see a profound ache for the celestial... the rub though, the difficult reality, is that we cannot have it, no, not yet...and so we fight with an awesome tension...all the days of our lives... and this is life, enduring through this tension... carrying a cross on the hills of our own calvary... and trading it one day for a crown.

I had this idea further illustrated to me on my recent trip to Idaho Falls. We drove a total of 1800 miles in the course of 4 days...driving up through Northern Arizona, in through Utah and then up to Eastern Idaho... we also made our way up to Montana to experience West Yellowstone. I must have taken about 800 photographs or more... there was so much wild majesty...that I often found myself questioning whether I could trust my eyes.

Here is a little bit of what I wrote on my trip:

Northern arizona changes quickly from huge plots of desert land to a deep evergreen forest, guarded by giant armies of pines, mountains covered in them. Soon, the landscape will shift again and my eyes quickly adjust to accept the alterations in color and rock formations...the dark mountains turn into mineral rich, brick-red cliffs...and just as one begins to grasp the views...again the surroundings of the interstate give way to great piles of peculiar grey sediment interrupted by strange canyons... I have a persistent impulse to pull over every mile or so and explore the details of each crack and crevice and canyon... and I imagine each of these canyon giving birth to another and then another...until it is too deep and profound for the eye to see...I imagine that I could follow the cuts of earth and travel as Jules Verne once wrote, to the center of the earth...

As we exit the desert state that hardly seems to be a desert at all, we drive straight through two strong cliffs that stand only a narrow lane apart... and as we pierce through this wonder, closed in by divine barriers, I feel as though the earth herself has whispered to me a secret...something personal and sacred...something that leaves her a bit more vulnerable to me than before. A dozen miles beyond, the canyons increase...in distance and in size...they are giant walls that appear to hold the weight of heaven on their broad shoulders...and I am simply, breathless.

Utah is another dramatic change in topography. The canyons begin to disappear...as if God were somehow paying attention to our imaginary dotted lines...our man made borders... The mountains are sharper, their edges more pronounced, chiseled like the faces and bodies of our pop culture icons. The mormon church considers this the place of Zion, the new Jerusalem... and I begin to see why one might have such a thought. The green and charcoal hills look as though they are the result of great intention and focus, as if sculpted by the hands of a master... At one point, we found a deserted plain... the mountains receded to the distance... and I got that feeling you get when you sit on a beach and stare at the ocean that seems to wrap around all of existence....I sighed at gorgeous fields of green meadows... and then dense thunderclouds rolled in from the east and the west in perfect harmony, as if they had determined to meet there at that very hour... they covered the skies from one end to the other...creating a blanket over all... it was as if they were trying to trap in every drop of beauty set before me...

In light of that, I came to realize something, admittedly an unusual thought. All this splendor and glory was simply too much...

The thing is, I am a nature freak. In fact, I can hardly stay put in the city...I am always driving out of town...I love aesthetic beauty... creation...the work of His hands...and yet after a while...after having been completely immersed in it...I actually felt overwhelmed. It is as if I could not begin to understand the beauty in even one small region of the world, I could no longer process it. My senses went numb, my mind grew tired... And so I wonder if even the beauty I so deeply desire at the core of my being is too infinite for me in fact.

The bible tells us that one day, we will be given new minds and new bodies, heavenly ones and this resonates with me... and I'd imagine that this transformation will mean we will receive beauty differently...perhaps even more comprehensively... and I like this idea... I like the thought of being able to swim in the skies...

And I guess I've said all of that to illustrate that there seems to exists an unreconcilable space between how things are and how they should be...I feel it everyday, I see it in my experience and that of others and in fact, the world seems unable to escape this predicament. It is this space between the finite and the infinite, between the most desperate cries of our hearts and that which might quench their insatiable thirsts, the space between the life we dream about and the one we must endure...

between our hopes and our hopelessness...

between man and God...

and it is this space that stands between who I am and who you wanted me to be...

.

Sleepless in Salt Lake City...

2008-07-15T02:13:00.003-07:00

I'm sitting up in a bed that feels too foreign to offer me any amount of comfort. Though I am no stranger to travels, this room, perhaps this City feels particularly alien to me for some reason... I know one of my wise ass friends is going to blame it on the mormons...

I've left the light off as I type this so as not to disturb my brother who is in the adjacent bed, sound asleep. And so it is dark, and motionless and for a moment I can forget where I am entirely...

For a moment I imagine I am far from everything that I have come to know as reality... I imagine that I am lost in the truest sense of the word, lost from everyone and everything I know... I imagine that I am floating out in space, weightless, liberated from gravity...I am swimming among the countless stars and information hungry satellites... only my movements are not cumbersome at all, for I am not fighting against any water...just endless space...leading to more endless space... I am matter suspended mysteriously in non matter... I am changing without choice, I must change here, my body, my mind, my understanding won't do...I am questioning everything and I am relearning everything, I am wasting away....I am being born again. I am a supernova, and a nebula.

And out here in the cosmos, having been altered, reincarnated, somehow I have come to understand more, more about life and God and the universe... It is as though I am now physically closer to Truth, physically closer to God...not in my being, but in vicinity...and life, existence, and even death have regained a level of coherence...a level of objective meaning... and light has painted over every darkly shadow, washed over the enigmatic...

This peculiar fantasy of mine is interrupted by the noise of semi trucks, that pass by like a gust of wind outside my window... and I am jolted back into reality, and I remember again that I am in Utah, in a cheap motel room too close to the Interstate, I remember that I am caught between four walls, constrained by physical laws, I am in tension and at a loss for words, and limited in my cognitive finitude. I can't fathom much of anything or make heads from tails, I can't fly and I remain so painfully far from making any sense of this life, so far in fact from God...

most of all, I can't sleep.

Glimpse.

2008-07-12T18:56:00.006-07:00

Today began with errands, as I am preparing to head to Idaho Falls on Monday. I had the tires on my truck rotated, picked up some last minute items and spent the day making cd's for my beloved cousins whom I will be with in a couple days. It began this way, but is ending a bit differently...

Since most of my audience is made up of close friends, most of you will know that some weeks ago I had a difficult incident occur, involving a friend. I've alluded to it of course in my recent writings, but haven't really talked about it directly... I have described it as the worst day of my life so far...and that it still remains. You see, one of the guys in my small group had a psychotic break in my backyard, and I had to make some very difficult decisions, and I had to do things that I pray I will never again have to repeat... It ended in a pretty serious physical altercation, a swarm of policeman and firefighters, a long night at the hospital and a court hearing at a behavorial health center...and that has been my last month... My friend has a heavy cross to bear...heavier than most are given...and I've tried this last year to help lighten the weight...I've tried the best that I can I think... but that evening, in one instance I felt my heart break into tiny fragments, the way that fine glass shatters when dropped against a dense surface...

Something changed in me from this day forward... I have begun to withold my love for people that is unless I have deeemed them "safe to love." I have kept people at a distance...I have been afraid to care too much because I had realized that love freakin' hurts...

I have been trying to hang on to God...to find Him in all of this...only God didn't seem big enough anymore...

I so desperately needed God to be larger than I had previously known Him to be...larger than the feeling you get at a worship service, larger than a neat bible study...larger than a $.20 raise on someone's paycheck...larger than a Monster.com, and larger yet than a Cupid...I needed God to step in and bring healing and restoration on a life that was severely broken...and hopeless without him...and I still need this.

But this afternoon, I wonder if I have had a glimpse...

Thing is, I have not met one on one with my friend since the difficult ordeal...I'm not sure precisely the reasons... I think I've been afraid...afraid of being hurt again in this way... and with some reluctance we shared a late lunch... and we talked.

Because neither of us are very good at small talk, we discussed difficult things...you know the things that really matter...(which I had thought I wanted to avoid at all costs)...but it was good. We sat together through moments of involved conversation...and moments of stillness and quiet reflection....I slowly sipped Dr. Pepper through a red, plastic straw and chewed on ice and he often stared out the large window behind me...Soon, afternoon gave way to early evening and I watched as the summer spoils settled in the streets... I could see that he was hurting deeply, it was written in his heavy eyes and the lines on his face...and I recall thinking at that moment, that I just really cared about him...and I wanted to walk by his side to share the weight again, because it was getting really heavy for him to do it alone..and I wanted him to know that he mattered...I wanted him to know how Jesus felt about him.

So where is glimspe?

I suppose it's what was uncovered underneath the carnage of everything that has and hasn't occured this year...a midst the swirl of fear and doubt...somewhere along a trail of tears...I found it again...when I thought it was finally lost....it is the cornerstone of our lives: His Love.

House of cards...

2008-07-08T20:01:00.009-07:00

It's a warm Monday evening... and the dark streets are empty but full of peace, excepting the intermittent flash of lights and an ocassional car that passes by at a distance, carrying a weary, third-shift worker or late night visitor. And though I sit at a vacant table, upon a nicely swept sidewalk, I can almost feel the asphalt as it sweats off another long summer day. The city sleeps early tonight...but I am wide awake. I have been unable to fully sleep for weeks now and though my body aches of fatigue and my mind is hardly able to lend itself to the basic function of coherence, I find that I am still far from my bed... still so far from the weaving of dreams.

Though I have been laboring through several books in recent weeks, I cracked open a new one just hours ago and completed it in a single sitting... I was strongly prompted by a friend last night, to read it and to read it with urgency... and I found that once begun, it was difficult to put down. It is one of those rare books that makes everything else in life seem like an interruption and for a time you want to be completely lost, not to emerge again until you have turned the final page.

C.S. Lewis fell in love late in life only to lose her too early... during his mourning he turned to writing in a journal, portions of which were later published as A Grief Observed. I tried to describe the book to a friend tonight, and was at a loss for words... I actually called it "good" and immediately started back peddling, because "good" seemed too lighthearted and inconsequential a term. I think it is profound. Life altering if one is willing... but it is a difficult book...and you will feel your heart break over and over again...that is if you have blood still coursing through your veins...from the foreward and the introduction to the very last word...

At the moment, I feel sad. And while I know that so many of my friends would just like me to feel better because I've been struggling lately... I can't say that I feel any better about anything, but my sorrow is at the least, different now and I think that is a good thing.

Recently, I wrote about faith being tried by fire... and it is something I have been pondering a great deal. Lewis in A Grief..., actually echoes this idea (or rather I echo his) by describing his faith being like a house of cards... Lewis had just buried the love of his life and was struggling immensely. He was actually feeling overwhelmed. And though in the past he had been able to hold strong and steady in his commitment to God at the pain of others, it was now so very different. In a razor sharp moment of vulnerability (as only deep pain affords) he admits that there had been a distancing from the pain of others and though he presumed to sincerely care about their sorrow, nothing was on the line for him personally, but now suddenly all was different. His house was crumbling...and so the elements of their construction were to be questioned...
Lewis writes:

Meanwhile, where is God?... When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be-or so it feels-welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside...

He further adds:

Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about him...

After finishing the book, I met a friend for dinner/dessert and on my drive home I started to wonder about my house of cards...

See, my faith, the faith that I thought I had is being broken now...at least this is how it feels. It has been built upon some truths for sure, but probably as many falsities...built upon my own dreams and ambitions, my hopes and plans to get my share in this life. I've wanted to follow God because I thought it would mean that I could fulfill my wildest dreams and one day find a great wife, a gratifying job and have a wonderful, loving family, but mostly I've wanted to be shielded from the long winters of life, the agony and heartbreak. The truth is, these are all seemingly moral desires, and they seem common among all of humanity, but how soon do they fall to become a barrier in our fallen state? And how soon do they simply fall? Maybe my faith then has been built upon a God reduced to my limited ideas, ideas that made my decision to follow Christ more manageable and easier to swallow, my self-serving savior. The thing is, all of this has been hidden underneath a blanket, and perhaps this blanket has been my pride in the fact that I abstain from the apparent immoralities of the world, in my choosing to accept the truth of the gospel and thereby being a follower of Christ. As a result, the problematic tenants of my faith have gone undetected having been overshadowed by a camoflauged religiosity of sorts.

So the weak foundations of my faith may be my hope for a "good life," one free from too much trauma, in so far as it influences my allegiance to Christ. It is a subtle evil I think, and therefore all the more dangerous because it becomes easy to justify...And I'm not proposing that it's wrong for believers to seek happiness,...rather that we musn't seek happiness on our terms and by our incomplete definitions. Our definitions must be revolutionized, to seek His will above all else, at all costs...but it's so hard, nothing could be more demanding...

And now I consider with heavy countenance, that after all that I had thought I had learned these years... my "surrender" to God is still so very contingent on the fulfillment of my will, and therefore in fact no surrender at all...for I've come to the altar, but have kept my hands clenched tightly and hidden behind my back and have offered all of myself, all but everything that means anything.

And yet we see no sign of this in Jesus...who was obedient to the very end...

"The problem with Christianity is not that it has been tried and found wanting, but that is has been found difficult and left untried"- G.K. Chesterton

The truth is, the gospel message is probably about as difficult as it gets. So much so that one day Jesus' disciples asked in wonder, "who then can enter the kingdom?" they were in utter disbelief at His teachings... And Jesus said things like, He had come to bring a sword, and that if we loved our father or mother more than Him we were not worthy of him...and that he was basically blazing a trail for us when he walked the hills of calvary with a heavy cross on his back after having been beaten, later to be nailed to it and hung to die (Matt 10:37-39). He called the road to salvation a narrow path and described two people in a field, that one would be taken and the other left... and said that whoever sought to save his life would lose it, but that whoever lost his life for His sake would find it... therein, 11 of the 12 disciples that He chose, his dearest friends were martyred. I've said all that to say that maybe we shouldn't be too suprised at a really painful life...and if we are, as I often am by trials, then maybe we have a lot of presuppositions about God...(1 Peter 4:12) And I think that is what Lewis is saying in his book. His house of cards, his supposed faith was something of an imagination...as perhaps mine has been...

And so I am at a fork in the road, arrived at by a sober look at life... a life that is in constant tension between joy and pain... and as I journeyed through the words of Lewis' journal I got the sense that perhaps our greatest joys in life lead to the deepest wounds and I think this is painted most poignantly in the example of lovers all of whom must one day be separated by death...
If this should be our cold reality, then I can no longer conform God to my image of Him... it just doesn't make sense...not matter how hard I try...it doesn't seem to fit... and so once again, the walls of my faith must be torn down...to be rebuilt...and again I must lift my eyes up beyond the city skies, beyond the clouds, and stars, to another world, where laughter is not to be followed by tears...

Barrier

2008-07-03T16:02:00.002-07:00

I've been staring at a blank "page" for over half an hour. The thing is, I feel this intense need to write and yet have no idea what it is I'd like to express. It's been sometime since I've posted anything (though I have continued to write) and there is no guarantee that these "scribblings" today will find any different end. It's strange to think that technology is changing our language... how "scribbling" and "page" among a number of other words don't directly relate to writing anymore... instead we "type" onto "webpages" or "emails" now.

I have found myself in peculiar moods lately. For the most part I've been pretty numb emotionally. I think maybe I *decided that caring too much and feeling too much is too costly...and so perhaps I've resigned in fear to distancing myself from my experience and the experience of others. I know this isn't the healthiest approach. And maybe "decided" isn't the best word to describe my experience... I didn't exactly sit down one day and resolve to take a new approach to life... it just sort of happened...At the same time I haven't been fighting these inclinations because that takes courage, and courage I don't really have at the moment...and so perhaps my passivity is my voice in the matter...my choice.

I attended club last night only to feel displaced. It was good to see people that I care about and the people that care about me... but I felt this wall of separation...this strange invisible barrier. Maybe because I thought that their lives looked somehow a little nicer, neater or more hopeful than mine...even though I know that is far from the truth. Experience tells me that we are all deeply wounded people... And I'm not sure what to make of all of this. Perhaps I feel somehow tainted because of all my doubts these days... and perhaps I fear that some of this will somehow rub off on their nicely pressed clothes, their nicely pressed lives...

David gave a message about finding God... he talked about Job and Paul and Abraham and about cutting the foreskins off wieners. But he mentioned these men to point out their unique encounters with God... how they found him under very different circumstances... Job as a righteous man found God through immense suffering, Abraham through deep obedience and trust and Paul in the midst of his rebellion... We had a time of quiet reflection and worship following the message and we were encouraged to consider how we might encounter God... and I looked across the room to see heads bowed, eyes closed...some rocking softly to the rhythm of the guitar..... and then I raised my eyes up above because I wanted to see God...but my eyes were met with the reality of a cold, impenetrable ceiling made of wood and plaster ... this barrier between me and God. People began singing...and it was beautiful...like the sound of angels...and I thought for a moment that it sounded like how I imagine heaven to be... but my eyes remained on the ceiling... carefully studying the design and I'm not sure why... maybe I was looking for a hole or crevice...any flaw that might serve as a sign that this stiff barrier was in some way porous, vulnerable. That I might find even a drop of grace falling through...

Pilgrim's Progress

2008-06-20T16:54:00.003-07:00

Along his pilgrimage Christian meets two characters, Timorous and Mistrust.

Timorous and Mistrust reveal that they were also journeying, but had decided to turn back for fear of their very lives...

Timorous: But the farther we go the more danger we meet with; wherefore we turned, and are going back again.

Mistrust: Yes, for just before us lie a couple of lions in the way...

Christian: You make me afraid; but wither shall I flee to be safe? If I go back to my own country, that is prepared for fire and brimstone, and I shall certainly perish there. If I can get to the Celestial city, I am sure to be in safety there. I must venture. To go back is nothing but death; to go forward is fear of death, and life everlasting beyond it: I will yet go forward.

A Burning Man

2008-06-16T14:40:00.013-07:00

This morning started with yet another trip to the airport. I know, three trips in the last seven days...and somehow I continue to find myself still in Phoenix.

It's beyond warm today and I wonder how any of us will make it through another long summer. There is nothing redeeming about this season in the desert... and from this day forward, everyone I run into will helplessly talk about how unbearable the weather is and I will of course agree. Here in the valley, with regards to small talk, climate tops the list of most common topics, that and how bad the Cardinals are playing this year. But, everybody really does talk about weather, all the time, everywhere... and now that I pointed it out to you (you fellow Phoenicians), it's likely that you will begin to notice it even more, funny things our brains...

Speaking of brains, I've had a great deal to think about lately. I suppose that was implied in my previous entry...

I am starting to wonder if doubt is so much more than I initially thought it was and what I mean by that is I wonder just how broadly sweeping the consequences of doubt may be. As I wrote in my last entry, I am wrestling with real questions, fundamental ones. And what I'm finding is just how much it changes my interaction with reality. Life just feels so entirely different now, my interactions with other people, the sunset, music, the bible... and I wonder if doubt might actually be a state of being...not simply an emotional or cognitive response... although one might argue that our emotional and cognitive responses do alter our states of being... well, so much for that abstraction.

In many ways, I feel as though I am in a surrealist state...everything is dream-like. Not necessarily in that things don't seem real...but rather that nothing seems to make much sense anymore.

I haven't wanted to be alone much and so I've found myself consistently with company since the difficult incident last monday. And I've been with kind hearted believers who have tried to encourage me and be there for me... naturally we talk about God and Christ and attempt to piece things together through a Christian perspective... Very naturally do the ideas and words flow through me...because it has been my life for so many years now...I have been engulfed in this culture with it's theological terms, memory scriptures, and C.S. Lewis quotes. Truthfully though, at the end of a conversation, I feel to a certain extent, insincere...because these days, I'm wondering if God is real...if there ever was a man named Jesus who was crucified... and if it means anything to us.

I visited the Christian bookstore yesterday with my friend Ludlum. We had been there some time browsing the shelves when my companion came across a devotional book for Nascar Dads. No joke. We didn't have time to open it, but I'd be quite suprised if there weren't at least one chapter dedicated to "Pit Stop Prayers." Then we ventured to the clothing section and found an entire line of Christian shirts, belts, jewelry, even shoes...

As I was checking out, the girl at the counter tried to sell me on a presale Third Day cd which included a discounted price and a t-shirt. Ludlum came over to me with a sheepish grin handing me an energy bar labeled "Noah's Nuggets." And I started to think that Christians have this entire subculture, this bubble of sorts... now I'm not knocking Nascar dad's doing quiet time to racing metaphors, or shoes featuring Jesus fish on them or even Noah's delectable nuggets... I just started wondering how much of my Christian faith was real and sincere and how much of it I might hold onto because of it's implications to my identity...

Last night, I attended a group bible study and at the conclusion of the message, we broke into smaller sections of 3 or 4. Within these intimate meetings, we shared personal struggles of forgiveness and then offered up prayers for one another... and I did it, and I think I meant what I said...but I just wasn't sure if it was heard by anyone, or worth any more than the change of sound pressure resulting from my larynx... I started thinking that when we pray aloud for others it often sounds like we are actually talking to the people around us, just with our eyes closed and with a more official voice and again I wanted to know what of my faith was real...

Maybe my faith is being "tried by fire," as Peter wrote in his first epistle.

Fire has long been the object of great wonder and beauty; one of the four elements that puzzled the ancient world, a mysterious chemical reaction of energy that provides warmth and light. On a recent camping trip, the guys in my small group filled their cameras with pictures of the camp fire... and though we had all seen dozens of them before, we often found ourselves huddled around the warmth, enamored by the colors and fluid shapes, the crackling of fuel and nostalgic smell of wood burning.

But fire is dichotomous...

The Ancient Greeks defined the element by opposing categories. Fire was creative and associated with many of the gods and goddesses, but it was also destructive like that of Hades. I recall some years ago watching in wonder at the subdued glow of a mountain side that was burning...It was an amazing sight... and the deep orange embers pulsated against the dark of night took my breathe away...but it was also quite devastating.

This fire that Peter alludes to is fierce, wild, searing...and perhaps even all consuming.

And I wonder in this life, if we must all walk through a furnace, if even my severe doubts are a part of something true, but simply beyond my comprehension... and I wonder if I will endure to the end to find that the flames have produced something meaningful and of great worth. I wonder when the heat has settled and the dense pile of cinders washed away, if there will be nothing left or if I will find a tiny grain of gold so pure that it no longer resists the light...

.

Help my unbelief...

2008-06-12T07:08:00.008-07:00

I woke up to my phone ringing this morning. I quickly jumped out of bed and my eyes noticed that it was still dark out and so I thought such an untimely call must be urgent. I glanced at the clock and it read 4 a.m. I was anxious and felt my heart pound for a second before I remembered that I had promised to take a friend to the airport this morning. I know, two visit to the airport in one week.

After dropping off the excited traveler I drove around by the airport for a bit, taking pictures of the early dawn as it mixed with the city... I know it's probably unusual for someone to take pictures of a city they've inhabited for 14 years, but I think I just wanted to find something beautiful this morning... if such a thing should exist.

It's been a hellish week and I don't use that term lightly. What is more, I have no idea how things are going to work themselves out or if they even will. I'm just being honest. The very foundations of my faith are being shaken and I'm wondering now if everything that I have held so close and dear to me, everything that I have held as truth and have tried to live has been a falsity, something imagined...

"Take this sinking boat and point it home
we've still got time..." - Glen Hansard

Tracey asked me if I was hurt and angry at the events of this week and I admitted I was...I know that I am deeply distraught. Elliot told me he would be worried if I weren't. But I don't know that my doubts are only rooted in emotion. I wish it were that simple... I am starting to wonder if the reality in the bible is a real representation of the reality in my experience...in all our experiences... This is a real struggle one grounded in reason and I guess that's what scares me the most. To pursue truth is to pursue it with integrity even when it is severely difficult... we must be honest with ourselves even if it should shake the rudiments of our being.

I wonder if this life is really the result of the divine providence a loving God. and I wondering if our prayers do more than echo between four walls...words just blowing in the wind of an apathetic universe... if there is real meaning in everything...if there is hope...

Maybe "life is a bitch and then you die" as Michael Johnson and Tupac once said... and maybe that makes as much sense as anything right now. I'm trying though, trying with what little energy I have at the moment...

"That's me in the corner,
that's me in the spotlight,
I'm losing my religion..." -R.E.M.

Touch and Go.

2008-06-09T15:57:00.008-07:00

I find myself slouching down in a brown, semi comfy, leather, chair at Sky Harbor Airport. Every several minutes or so my thoughts are interrupted by a muffled announcement over the loudspeaker about TSA regulations. Other than that, it's quiet and I'm starting to feel that dinner time is near. The baggage claim carousels sit as empty as my stomach; the walkways are still and the restaurants and bars abandoned save that of a janitor sweeping the floors. But things will soon change as the next set of planes land... a rush of weary travelers, wheeling heavy luggage will bring this place again to life, and signs will light up, workers will run around and it will feel like a carnival...and then again it will sit
too quiet.

I'm here to pick up a friend who will be flying in from Houston in about an hour. I arrived here early in an attempt to avoid rush hour traffic. But I really don't mind the wait. Airports top my list of places I like to be. I know it's a bit odd, but they make me feel things... I've been this way since I was a child... And some of my fondest memories were in one way or another related to them...

They also make me feel really alone...

In a recent conversation, Elliot shared with me that he found himself to be a "touch and go" person. And I think what he meant by that was that he doesn't really feel like he belongs anywhere, not deeply. By jumping around and not sticking around long enough or often enough he avoids growing roots. And he wasn't talking about geography, necessarily.

I think Airports are very "touch and go." Transitory is a good word for it.

People filter through airports, they don't plan a stay (at least not normally). And though I've met some neat people and held some great conversations over the years in airports, there has always been an entirely unspoken, but mutual understanding that our relationship would last only the length of a flight or layover.

And I think life has been a lot like this for me lately... "touch and go."

We all want to feel rooted somewhere, not imprisoned or chained, but connected to something or someone or else we're just floating along aimlessly. But then again I have started to think that what I am looking for, the type of interconnectedness that I long for to this world, to existence and with other people doesn't actually exist. I mean not for the interim. And I like thinking of life as the interim. A lot of people won't agree with this idea, I'm sure, but I'm not trying to convince anybody. If this life is wonderfully fulfilling for you, then more power to you. I'm just saying that I honestly don't feel that way...

Life to me is an airport, an interim and I'm not denying there is goodness and joy and beauty in it... but it's all very imperfect...like an imperfect version of the deepest longings of my soul. Like a "poor reflection."

Thinking out loud.

2008-05-23T10:16:00.005-07:00

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day in terms of the climate. It's cold, deeply overcast and sprinkling rain. It reminds me of my short time in Seattle and I remember again just how much I loved it there.

I woke up this morning in a strange mood. My initial feelings were that of disbelief. That somehow my ambitions for the career I had set out were really not going to pan out and it put me in a good deal of unrest. I used to dream about being on tour and performing night after night... I even had specific cities and venues in mind... and all of these visualizations started pouring into my mind...only I knew that they were in vain now. I've talked about all this before, so this is nothing too new, but the experience was different somehow.

It's difficult to describe...but I suppose we have all known our share of disappointment in this life. You can love something (or someone) so sincerely, so intensely, but that in no way insures any amount of permanence. Life will shift like the colors of new seasons with or without our permission.

My friend once told me that I was a boxer forced into early retirement... and though I find myself a million miles away from the ring, though my gloves have long ago been hung on the wall to collect cobwebs, I am still a boxer at heart... and I have to imagine God made me this way for a reason. But why...?

At the moment, I'm considering a substantial move, to a foreign country. This morning I imagined what it might be like living abroad, and playing my tired old guitar in coffee shops...filled with strangers, singing my tired old songs. And I thought for a moment that things would be vastly different, not perfect by any means, just different...but I feared at the same time that they might be the same.

If I do leave...this home that I have known for well over a decade what would I be leaving behind? And what exactly would I be going to? It's scary to think about, but maybe that's a good thing. On my recent camping trip, we ascended a mountain that put a real amount of fear in me and my company... but the journey was amazing and reaching the top felt indescribable. And maybe life affords us these opportunities to plunge into the unknown...and we will make of it what we will. We can shrink down and resign in fear or we can face it head on...

The better part of a year has passed since I began my involvement in a ministry here. Something relatively minor, leading a small group and I have seen God working through it. What he has done is nothing short of a miracle, in fact...but somehow I feel at a loss now. I wonder if this is really what I am meant to be doing...I guess my doubts come in because I feel displaced and probably more alone than I have ever felt. Maybe that is ok or all just a part of it...but maybe not?

I find myself in a bit of a bind... longing to be a part of something meaningful and real, something that will make real use of the way God has designed me before he laid the foundations of this world... I want to feel God and celebrate the destiny he has imagined... and maybe I'm doing that in differing ways now...I don't know.

I know that I don't want to runaway from anything...

I do dream of a community...a community that I have not found here so far. Of people who are intense about changing the world. People who aren't content with simply enjoying their lives and carrying about business as usual... I want to live side by side and co labor with people who want to fulfill the call in Isaiah to "loosen the chains of social injustice and to set the oppressed free" to watch over "oprhans and widows" as the book of James defines authentic faith. And I want to be inspired...challenged by the dreams of others...

But I'm starting to question whether I will find that here... and I don't mean to be critical and I realize that I haven't met even the majority of people here... but when sociologists, psychologists, doctors and statisticians conduct surveys they use a sample to represent the populous... could that apply here...for surely it isn't possible for me to meet everyone in town. Based on my sample, the general attitude among most people here is to live a good life. Get married, raise a family, get a job that affords you to live comfortably, furnish your house with IKEA and go to church on Sunday mornings...and I'm not saying there's anything immoral or intrinsically wrong with those ambitions...but it just doesn't tug at my soul as an imperative. I find no amount of passion or deep desire for that way of life.

Last night, my small group went through the 1st epistle from Peter. And we talked about how Peter says "The end of all things is near." This was in the first century, I think like 77 A.D. He felt an urgency as did Paul and James, and John... we are nearly 2000 years removed now...and I wonder if it shows in our general attitudes...

I guess people are people where ever I go... and this is more a problem with modern man...not Phoenicians or Americans... and so I need to be reasonable about this. It is a problem within my own heart too... but at times I feel the slow, calm pace of Arizona starting to wear on me... and I find it easier to resign to this way...Arizona is like peacefully floating down the Salt river on an inner tube on a warm summer day.... but I think I might be looking to face wild, feral rapids...to fear for my life and experience sheer reverence... I think I may be looking for more.

Fighting for dear life.

2008-05-13T22:56:00.004-07:00

As I type this I sit outside on the verge of shivering from the cold. Spring had taken over as summer eagerly loomed....but late winter lashed out a final chilly breathe so as not to be forgotten quite yet.

It rained today in splotches, just enough to dirty our windows and fill the air with that smell...the smell of wet dirt and asphalt...that isn't necessarily pleasant, but still well received because of what it means to people living in a barren land.

And now it's cooled off dramatically, but I find less joy in the experience than I'd like, but I"m unsure why.

It's a quiet night where I'm stationed... and I watch little rabbits scurrying through an empty field...a small plot of sonoran desert sandwiched between a newly renovated business plaza and a suburban community. Industrialization is a strange thing when you consider it... We plow over acres of God's beautiful land to build odd looking structures in their stead (and everyone has to have a piece of their own) only then we recreate an artificial, manageable version of what once was to decorate a front and backyard... and then we retreat often times to the mountains, forests, the ocean...again to the natural, the natural we keep wiping away.

I've been trying to keep my head above water and the weeks have been quite difficult... and over and over again I find that I continue to forget the rudiments of my faith.

And I passively allow the world to convince me that I am incomplete, or inadequate or missing out on some portion of life... And it's pretty silly when you think about it...to allow this upside down world that much influence.

I think if the devil ever decided on a career change he might do well to seriously consider a job in marketing. The lies, the poison is all so cleverly packaged... so are the assaults. And that is one thing I've come to learn. That I have to be vigilant at protecting myself from these, at protecting truth.

You see, through a bible study, a church service, a scripture or the latest best-selling Christian literature I may experience profound moments of epiphany... and it feels like a veil has suddenly been lifted, the truth resonates deeply within and I get excited and intensely hopeful all at once... but through the course of days, weeks and months...before I have realized it...the rich truth has been snuffed out and bartered for a cheap falsity. And I can't even pin down exactly when I went wrong...or how... it just sort of happens... and I find myself again going about things as before... replacing God with the hopes
of finding a mate or a successful career or what have you... my demigods.

And so I feel that we must guard our hearts as the Proverbs advise, above all else.... For truth is ever sacred, but so easy to lose especially in a world of smoke and mirrors...

Flying or Free Fallin' ?

2008-05-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

I'm equal parts terrified, anxious, scared, uncertain, excited and free...I have no idea where life will take me now...could be anywhere, could be anything... I feel a swirl in the pit of my stomach and moisture on my palms...at the thought, but it's also exhilarating. I'm standing at the edge of an enormous cliff... the canyon below so profound, that it knocks the wind out of me...and I peer off the edge every scrupulously... I'm throwing little pebbles down to see if I can hear them hit against a surface any surface, but nothing...

Here's to a new chapter, where everything is different.

Learning to Fly by Tom Petty

Well I started out down a dirty road,
Started out all alone.
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill.
The town lit up, the world got still.

I'm learning to fly, but I aint got wings,
Comin down is the hardest thing.

Well the good old days may not return,
And the rocks might melt, and the sea may burn.

I'm learning to fly, but I aint got wings
Comin down is the hardest thing.

Well some say life will beat you down,
Break your heart, steal your crown.
So I started out- for God knows where?
But I guess I'll know when I get there.

I'm learning to fly around the clouds,
But what goes up must come down.

I'm learning to fly, but I aint got wings.
Comin down is the hardest thing.
I'm learning to fly around the clouds,
But what goes up must come down.

Im learning to fly
Im learning to fly...

Is this what it means?

2008-04-24T13:19:00.004-07:00

Somedays, Life hurts, plain and simple. And this Christian lifestyle, this attempt to know and follow God seems insurmounable. To add insult to injury, we have an enemy who wants nothing more than to see our ruin... Walking by faith, holding to the unseen, well, it ain't no walk in the park. It's hard, really hard.

In all honesty, at the moment, I feel like I'm ready to let the tide overwhelm me... I want to give up...

It appears to me like i've been walking in lonely circles...having to learn and relearn, change and again change... only to change some more...only to find that what I've had is not enough...I'm walking a desolate trail, and finding the floor is full of thorns... and my shoes, well I lost them somewhere along the way... Last night, a friend sat with me on a cold, cement parking block and he echoed this sentiment. Not only did he feel like he was outlining a desert, he was doing so by night and being blindsided by obstacles... as he spoke these words, I stared into the late evening...into the abyss, searching desperately for the stars...or a satellite...anything that might reflect even a flicker of light...

Some days you feel on top of the world... like anything is possible. And you see God working...He seems close and real...He even speaks to you. And you feel His love in the sunset, in the rain, in His word and expressed through those around you...All of creation seems to shout of His presence...His relevance and goodness.

Other times God seems abstract, like a distant star, an idea...or loose concept...maybe even a fable... You feel alone and empty and like you just don't have what it takes to endure...at least for the long haul. You begin to question everything, even the progress you thought you'd made, it all seems pointless... and a strong impulse to runaway, to find a quiet place to hide overtakes you...

But perhaps this is what it means to be a Christian... this is the conflict, the grind. And it's not always pretty, or beautiful, but often messy and tumultuous. And our voices not only made for pleasant songs, but shouts in darkness...desperate cries for help. Perhaps our faith has to be tried by fire...and thus not always expressed in extravagant ways... perhaps sometimes, faith and hope are expressed in this:

That we come home...

After a long night of wandering the streets...

and though our hearts are broken, countenances burdened, prayers weak... through the thick haze of doubt, the shroud of heartache...we somehow manage to muster up enough syllables to call to the one, who saves.

-

Bless the Lord.

2008-04-16T15:24:00.002-07:00

Psalm 103

Bless the LORD, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies...

There's not much else to say today!

-

Driving through the gap.

2008-04-14T11:13:00.010-07:00

I have put countless miles on my truck this last year. Of course, my work is greatly responsible for that, but I've also found driving to be a common past time for me. I love being on the road...and I tend to feel stale and restless sitting at a starbucks these days...so I drive.

I rarely have a destination and prefer to let the moment lead me where it may. Perhaps I've grown a little weary of planning. And while nothing is ever solved upon my return, I feel a strange pressure building on my soul from time to time and the long stretch of miles is like a slow, gradual exhalation.

Last night, I ended up in Fountain Hills, gazing upon the dark silhouette of a mountain surrounded by a sea of city lights, they twinkled in the night like lowly stars fallen from heaven... and I looked for meaning in it all. I watched two young lover clinging to one another, whispering empty promises into the wind and I waited patiently for nothing in particular.

Soon my heavy eyes told me it was time to head back, but I avoided the hurried highways and searched for surface streets, hoping to keep my thoughts from going too deep.

It was late and the city had long ago rested her heavy countenance upon a pillow of soft dreams...eyes calmly closed, a gentle half smile on her lips, she looked so serene but I couldn't relate.

The roads were barren.

I had "The Shadowlands" by Ryan Adams on repeat and opened the windows because the song needed air to breathe...it was cold, but soothing and I wondered where my soul was.

Sometimes you just can't be a man when you're living in the darkness of the shadowlands... - Ryan Adams

Many miles passed before I met another vehicle. I could make out the headlights from a distance, brightly displaced against the evening asphalt. We passed one another like lonely travelers and though less than a stranger to me, the passing cold steal and fiberglass, brought me a level of comfort, reminding me that there was other life out there...

It's been said that God communicates to us in our pain and this is something we must all learn. But sometimes I feel like there is a gap between the time we feel the initial sting and the time we find Him. These are the sleepless nights we spend tossing and turning, the hours we pace the floor wearing out the carpets of our minds... perhaps it is also this gap that causes us to stretch to the eternal.

-

Author and perfecter...

2008-04-09T12:04:00.004-07:00

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...
-Hebrews 12:2

I have always sought to figure life out... I guess we all do, but for me this whole thing has always appeared to be like a puzzle, one of those 3-dimensional ones, with about a million jagged pieces. Consequently, I thought that if I could find the appropriate matches for each portion that it might start to all come together...each blob would build upon another to form something definite. Something polished. Life then, was a problem to be solved... and one that could be.

Perhaps this still rings true to an extent, in that there are truths once realized and applied, will provide a more vivid picture of what life is all about and how we might best go about enduring it. But what I'm learning to accept is that it will never come together like one of those cardboard castles, where every piece is used for the very purpose it was designed...and once finished looks just like the picture on the box... No, life is messier than that... through the building process, we will spill our coffee and ruin some of the parts, we'll lose others in the mysterious black hole that exists between couch cushions and some pieces that should interlock, just won't...and often at least in my life, entire sections that we thought were completed will have to be torn down to rubble...and it will hurt and the reconstruction will be slow and uncomfortable.

In the end, we'll have lop sided structures with holes in the walls, doors held in with scotch tape and entire wings will have gone missing... and perhaps this the best we can hope for...that something, anything at all is standing above ground when it is finished... when we have endured the long, arduous journey through the desert. And yet somehow, the promise remains that one day we will be perfected...

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
- 1 Corinthians 13:12

.....................................................................................

Thank You

2008-04-07T10:54:00.010-07:00

I spent most of this weekend locked up in a 20'x 20' room, listening to the same four songs over and over again and trying my hardest not to lose my mind as I carried out the sometimes tedious tasks. It took a lot out of me, and it can be quite isolating, but I found a level of satisfaction in my work. On Saturday, I recall feeling lightheaded at one point. I looked up at the computer screen to check the time and it told me that I had skipped lunch and dinner without a thought... Sunday was spent similarly with the exception of service.

Church was thought provoking, it usually is and I've grown very fond of the ministry there. Pastor Don spoke on persecution...and even quoted the portion of Hebrews that I cited in my last blog....I smiled at the coincidence.

I was deeply moved during communion though. I kept thinking about how grateful I was to God for saving someone like me... for being so patient with me over the years...that somehow, in spite of the huge mess of a life that I have led, though my soul is so prone to wander, He still reaches out and rescues me... I felt overwhelmed at this thought and my eyes welled up with tears...under my breathe I whispered, "God, don't give up on me..."

The church band offered a song and I closed my eyes for a few moments to listen to the words. It was a beautiful song.

And then I tried to say "thank you," you know, to God. And though it was sincere, it somehow felt so empty like a feeble attempt at something grand...I say "thank you" when a stranger holds the door open for me at the convenience store...or when a friend buys me a soda...it is so commonplace... But to Christ what would these vague words mean? I struggled for a moment to consider it...how could I possibly express the gratitude that I feel for His amazing grace...?

And then I realized at that very moment, what this whole worship thing is all about.

We live a life of worship...when words are simply not enough...

Archbisop William Temple summed up worship in these words:

Worship is the submission of all our nature to God.
It is the quickening of the conscience by His holiness;
the nourishment of mind with His truth;
the purifying of the imagination by His beauty;
the opening of the heart to His love;
the surrender of will to His purpose -
and all of this gathered up in adoration,
the most selfless emotion of which our nature is capable,
and therefore the chief remedy
of that self-centeredness
which is our original sin
and the source of all actual sin.

Hebrews

2008-04-03T11:29:00.007-07:00

I've been reading in the book of Hebrews over the last week. It's a profound book to say the least. Here is a portion that really struck a chord with me.

...Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned, they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated- the world was not worhty of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground... Hebrews 11:35-38

Upon reading this passage, I began to picture what the early followers had endured...and the suffering the cross embodies. It made me think about the groundwork that has been laid for us. Paid for in blood...and cries of anguish.

Consider the apostles and disciples for a moment. They were human just like you and I, but wanted so deeply to follow Christ and desired so earnestly to spread the truth, that they labored night and day, went hungry, fought immense lonliness, were shackled in chains and beaten, brutally murdered...

and I struggle with giving to others when it's inconvenient or when I'm tired...

I love the part about the world not being worthy of them... it wasn't. They loved a world that they didn't belong to...a world that hated them.

Paul would write this about his ministry:

...known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on, beaten and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possesing everything... 2 Corinthians 6:9-10

That is the foundation that has been laid for you and I that we might know God...how fortunate we are.

Lighthearted.

2008-03-31T10:56:00.006-07:00

It's my favorite day of the week again...just kidding. Somehow though, today is sitting better with me... I'm in the quiet of an empty store enjoying a peanut butter sandwich, (not a fan of jelly) sipping on coffee and trying to enjoy a moment of tranquility. I have work to do, but nothing sounds better than putting that off for a time.

It was a busy weekend, but one spent with friends...and it was an active one that concluded on Sunday with an impromptu- 2 on 2 football game...I nearly died because I'm so out of shape. A piece of that conversation:

Me: (Through heavy panting) "dude, my lungs hurt!"

Changsta:(In a tone suggesting an obvious answer) "Why do you think that is Joe?"

Me: "Oh probably the pollution in the air, allergies, maybe the dust...?"

Changsta, Elliot and Ludlum shake their heads in unison. :)

Saturday was moving day for Louie and Vic. There were quite a few people involved and this illicted much laughter. Especially when me and Chris were talking about tasting Louie's "Noni." I know it sounds awfull, which is why it's funny, but it's just a multi-level marketing, dietary supplement with a really poor name. Speaking of Chris, the man never slows down... I kept fantasizing about shooting blow darts at his neck...

I also got to catch up with an old friend last night, Chrissy the playwright who's been living in Brooklyn in a building full of Russian immigrants for the last few years. We had coffee with Chang and Teli and then went for a drive. She makes me laugh and we have a lot of silly memories that make up our history. Like the time she puked in my neighbors lawn from having too many cigarrettes and Tim and I just sat there and watched in disbelief, like it was a side show at a circus. I found it interesting how two people can hold on to very different details of one incident.

I also had hawaiian fast food for the first time, yes in Peoria, Arizona, which is kind of what makes this country so great...

Goodbye

2008-03-25T11:18:00.008-07:00

There stands a sign outside the store window, a sign unfamiliar to me. Red and black letters, and the phone number of some realtor, nailed to a white wooden post.

It is a sign that things are again changing in my life.

A few moments ago I said goodbye to a couple that I have come to grow very fond of over the last 2 months. They are snow birds who enjoyed their summer in the valley and today, they will begin their trek back to Iowa. The ice and snow has melted now along the giant miles of farmland and a new found season invites them back to the place they call home...

We shared many a great talks together and their hugs felt real.
I will miss them and with the business closing, my future hanging in the balance of uncertainty, I'm not sure when I will see them again...

There is no permanence...

It was the French scientist Blaise Pascal, who penned these words in his Pensees:

We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end. When we think to attach ourselves to any point and to fasten to it, it wavers and leaves us; and if we follow it, it eludes our grasp, slips past us and vanished forever. Nothing stays for us...

Where will life take me from here? At the end of April, the final pages of this story, this business venture of nearly 6 years will be written. It will become a thing of the past, merely a resevoir from which I will draw distant memories...and I will begin to speak about it in the past tense. Too soon, a time will come when effort is required in the retelling of a funny or strange incident that occured and upon sharing such an anecdote with a friend, I will find myself questioning the clarity of the details... I will hesitate and close my eyes and journey through a scattered rolodex...and perhaps mistake real moments for elements of a dream.

I long for eternity today.

Thoughts are dancing...

2008-03-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

Thoughts are dancing, but I hear no song.
Thoughts are dancing, like timid shadows on a wall.

Twisting and twirling like fallen leaves and random street litter,
drifting along at the mercy of a dust devil.

dear Melancholy, don't sing me your verse,
nor your bittersweet melody or even a word.
Sit with me in quiet and in stillness we'll find
that everthing fades, if given the time...

Thoughts are dancing like children in the rain,
splashing in puddles, weightless and gay.
While eager parents under rooftops await,
heavenly showers to wash the sins of yesterday.

Thoughts are dancing, no matter how hard I try.
I'm calm on the surface, but unraveling inside.
With discordant symphony and uncomfortable rhythm,
with ne'er any rhymne and even less reason.

Thoughts are dancing, will evening give way?
Thoughts are dancing, but the sorrow remains...

.

Good Friday

2008-03-21T17:12:00.004-07:00

I was late to arrive at the realization, but today is good Friday. It's so easy to carry on with "business as usual," but few days merit the attention that I feel this day should, for the believer. Truly, it is a time to deeply reflect.

I spent some time in the gospels...reading about the last night that Jesus spent with his beloved disciples and stopped in John 17, where Jesus prays for them and for the followers to come. How I love this prayer.

...I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you.

Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name - the name you gave me- so that they may be one as we are one...

I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you would take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one...

sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.

My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.

May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.
I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me...

Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world...

"She spilled her coffee, broke a shoelace..."

2008-03-20T16:38:00.004-07:00

I once heard that a certain, big name, mega-pastor never has had a bad day in his life...that was according to his wife in an interview. I guess it's supposed to mean he has great joy and faith or something. Heck, I don't know the guy from Adam, or his wife and they might be amazing people for all I know, but I think that statement is full of crap. I think the apostle Paul, John the Baptist, Stephen, Thomas, Simon Peter, Moses, Elijah, Joseph, Mary, David, and Jesus the Lord of glory himself had what they would freely call "bad days."

Today has been, difficult. Details seem entirely superfulous at the moment...here's to tomorrow...

Good times.

2008-03-17T23:45:00.002-07:00

I think I've been trying to do too much over the weekends...I do this because during the week I feel tethered to a sensless job, and on weekends I am able to do things I enjoy...or things that really matter to me. I guess I just described most of middle America.

But there just isn't enough time... I feel this always.

In heaven, we won't be constrained in this manner. We'll sit with one another, share a meal, talk and fill each other with laughter...while never feeling the urge to check our wrists or think about where we have to be next... and I'll never again say or hear the words: "it's getting late." I will never again feel that soft melancholy whisper to my soul that an evening drive to Prescott, or a quiet conversation on the beach, or a rare night out with old friends has ended too soon...

Imagine, no more early morning appointments following a late night.

I feel a bit anxious today...Truth be told, I've felt this way for the last month. I took about a 70% pay cut, because business has been very poor. We will be closing shop at the end of April, but until then, I have to try and clear out our inventory, only nobody seems to want to spend money right now... After my bills are paid, I have next to nothing... and yet I'm finding it difficult to adjust my lifestyle accordingly...

Been runnin' up my plastic -Aimee Allen

I will say that being relatively poor does alter your perception a bit. I can't express just how grateful I was, when Cliff took me out to dinner last night. Or when he wrote me a small check for money he owed me...which I used to fill up my truck this morning. I appreciated these, I really did.

I guess in it and through it...I can thank God, not necessarily for my empty bank account because that'd just be ridiculous... but because even through this situation I know that I will again learn something beautiful...

something about Him and how I can be more like His Son...

And if there's one thing I've learned in the last year...it's that not a moment of our struggles, not a tear, not a restless night... is ever wasted...

Because He lives.

Chocolate Lessons.

2008-03-06T15:08:00.003-07:00

The store was slow, so I headed over to a local convenience store to pick up a couple of bars of Lindt Excellence extra dark chocolate. It's about 70 percent pure cocoa, which is potent in antioxidants and less artificial sweeteners/refined sugars.

I was reading the last few pages of Blue Like Jazz and though I had long ago read this book, I neglected to actually finish it because Don Miller meandered on how the pot smoking hippies he lived with for a time (a refrence from Through Painted Deserts) were more loving than his Christian community. Nevertheless, I found myself in tears as I finished out the book...

As I was enjoying my chocolate, I found two very different ways of consuming it. The first was closest to my natural inclination, to put a square in my mouth and chew it until the salivary amylase broke down the components...this provided an immediate release of flavor, but it was gone before I knew it. The second method was to place a segment on my tongue and allow it to melt from the 98 degree enclosure of my mouth...I found this to be a bit difficult because the food would feel rough and tasteless for a small amount of time... and then it would start to give way and over the course of a few minutes it melted to a rich velvet...

I had a discussion with a client of mine yesterday about instant gratification versus the delayed variety... Ravi Zacharias once said that there were two types of pleasures in this life, the kind you pay for before hand or the kind you pay for afterwards. I have always struggled with this...

Last night at Club, Dr. Kelley talked about sex... I think he's an excellent communicator and talks to the students with great accessibility like they are actually people, real people and like he's a real person, not another untouchable, high priest behind a pulpit.

Sex is a natural topic that emerges when we discuss gratification. It is one I've struggled with for most of my life... I have always been one to chew the chocolate. As a result, I'm a pretty broken person.

I started to think about life though... whether I chew it up or let it melt away... We are infinite beings in a temporal world... time is always of the essence...and so I've been thinking maybe we tend to feel rushed...but in the wrong way.

I advocate making good use of our time... as the Apostle Paul wrote, "because the days are evil." But perhaps we define what that should look like very differently... or rather we let this crazy society of ours define it for us...

I once heard a quote from a famous somebody who said "Keeping busy is wasting time..."

Why are we so busy? I find that there is little time in my life apart from work. But Jesus made so much time to "break bread" and party with people. And though there was wine served, I doubt they played beer pong and talked about sports or celebrity gossip... I'd imagine they talked...really talked, about life, God and the Kingdom, you know stuff that matters ...and I bet Jesus listened intently and then had radical things to say... Based on the gospels, it appears Jesus spent a great deal of his life preaching, healing the sick, praying and then hanging out with people.

I dunno, I've been thinking about the things that drive us... the seemingly inoccuous conventions of modern life. I have to wonder if Jesus would have put in extra hours at work to buy a larger house, a new car, the latest Ipod, a luxurious vaction..or whether He thought those things might be rather silly. I know, these things aren't intrinsically bad, and I I really enjoy my Ipod, but I'm starting to think they cost us more than money. They cost us our time, which is limited and passing us quickly... they take us away from people that need us...from the deep conversations we need to have with others... from tending to orphans and widows... from praying for others... from loving...they are costing us our very lives... I'm trying to picture Jesus at the sandal store... considering how many more hours he would have to work in order to afford the latest pair of sandals you know, the kind that make you feel like you're walking on water... I just don't see it happening.

"I want to break free" - Queen

Truth is I'm growing tired of what feels like an endless rat race. I'm tired of feeling like I constantly need to upgrade... my computer, my car, my wardrobe, my socioeconomic status.... I'm tired of trading in my time for these things because they take away time I might spend in loving others... in loving God...

hmm....

2008-03-05T15:35:00.007-07:00

We are experiencing a "cold front" this week, the result of tornado winds that blew in Sunday afternoon. Ok I'm being dramatic, but It was quite windy. Louie, Jerry and I were trying to throw a small football at their parents house on Sunday and it was nothing short of ridiculous; the gusts of wind paid little attention to our aim...The only thing more ridiculous was the three of us trying to fly Jerry's red, styrofoam, remote control plane at the park. Dwarf football, red toy plane and 3 grown men...we must have looked awfully silly, but the laughter, I wouldn't trade for much.

So it's not really cold, I mean it's colder, but not necessarily cold and so spring is undeniably in progress. I know this because I've been sneezing the last couple of days. We were blessed with some rainfall this winter and it was just lovely, but now we're paying for it in histamine reactions. Although it feels really good to sneeze sometimes, it makes me feel alive.

Last week was long...and heavy, but I found God continually communicating to me.

I'm still very unsure about the future. It's frustrating at times, but I came to some realizations over the weekend. In general terms, I know that I am still far from truly surrending.

Sometimes we seek God for answers and yet He appears to be silent. We wait and wait...but we hear nothing. I've started to wonder though, if I'm really the one doing the waiting... I've asked God about what my next steps should be because I'm really so unsure, but the question I am forced to ask myself is: "Do I really want to hear what God has to say?" I mean I feel like I really do and on most days I can convince myself that I would absolutely follow through... but if God told me an answer that wasn't appealing to me...am I really surrendered enough to trust Him? Maybe God's been waiting on me?

When I pray for an answer, do I want God to agree with me? Or am I ready to agree with Him no matter the cost?

Message received...

2008-02-26T13:14:00.004-07:00

Today is the first day of the year that I am without a sweater or extra layer of clothing. I sit at work, with the front and back doors wide open, allowing the balmy air to flow through the store. I feel good, really good and I must say I like it, the feeling good part.

I read through 2 Peter last night which opens with the idea that God has "given us all things that pertain to Godliness," and that this would equip us to fulfill the call to live a life of virtue.

This morning I made it through some chapters in 1 John which spends it's pages expressing the idea of striving to live a holy life, and not loving the conventions of the world...then I listened to a podcast from Chip Ingram on my way to work about finding the right motivation for change. Chip states that guilt and selfish ambition were common motivators for people, but were ineffective.

When I arrived at work, I found an email forward from my cousin Kathy about finding the blessings behind things we generally complain about. For instance:

"I am thankful for the parking spot I find at the far end of the lot, because it means I am capable of walking."

And now, I feel the beginnings of spring, the warmth of sun against my skin...

I guess I've itemized these tiny happenings to suggest maybe, they are all speaking to me today. And though I'm not quite sure how it all comes together or what it might be that God is trying to communicate, I find comfort in the fact that they were expressed in the first place...

What I wouldn't give to go for a hike right now...! I am thankful for being alive to enjoy a day like this.

Hard times by Eastmountainsouth

2008-02-22T23:10:00.004-07:00

I came across this song from a rather obscure folk duo. It's a lovely tune, pure in sound with lyrics that remind me of an old classic poem. It's speaking to me now.

Let us pause in life's pleasures and count its many tears
while we all sup sorrow with the poor
there's a song that will linger forever in our ears
oh, hard times come again no more

'tis a song… a sigh of the weary
hard times… hard times come again no more
many days you have lingered around my cabin door
oh… hard times come again no more

while we seek mirth and beauty
and music light and gay
there are frail ones fainting at the door
though their voices are silent
their pleading looks will say
oh, hard times come again no more

'tis a song… a sigh of the weary
hard times... hard times come again no more
many days you have lingered around my cabin door
oh, hard times come again no more

'tis a sigh that is wafted across the troubled wave
'tis a wail that is heard upon the shore
'tis a dirge that is murmured around the lowly grave
oh, hard times come again no more...

Leaving Prescott

2008-02-18T18:19:00.014-07:00

Light is quickly fading along a horizon I cannot see due to the enormous hills surrounding me. The skies are dark blue with random streaks of pink, from sparse clouds that are soaking up what few rays of light the sun has to offer today. The moon sits high above me, shyly glowing, merely a speck like a shimmering pearl lost in the ocean... it's cold and another day is turning over... My time here is up, but the beauty I simply can't seem to part with.

At times like these, the rare moments of peace, tranquility and beauty I usually feel a longing... a longing for someone to share it with... but somehow, right now I feel just fine in my solitude...

Since my last boring entry, I took a walk, then a nap and then ordered room service. Shortly thereafter I read through a few chapters of "This Beautiful Mess," by Rick McKinley, I've more or less stayed within the comforts of my comfy room. In "This Beautiful Mess," the author suggests that the Kingdom of God is partially here with us, now. But not in the New Age, Sedonan, healing crystals sort of way... Rather that the wheels of arrival are turning. He sites the scripture where Jesus said "the Kingdom is within you"(translated more accurately as, in the midst/among you) to the Pharisees who were asking about Heaven... McKinnely takes that to mean that perhaps Jesus was saying the Kingdom's arrival, the process is underway post His coming to this earth. The author discusses how there is evidence of this everyday...and then evidence to the contrary...that life is far from the way things were meant to be and will one day be...we live confronted by this paradox, daily... that is the beautiful mess.

I had trouble sleeping last night. I tossed and turned and didn't find sleep to come until about 5 am. I felt anxious..I've been having this haunting thought that perhaps the last several years of my life, the time I spent pursuing my music have been meandered... Like I've wasted a good chunk of my life. Rationally, I know that God works all things for the good... so it's a matter of this truth really sinking in that I'm struggling with. That scripture is so beautiful by the way. I'm also struggling a great deal with my relational failures. It still hurts, and I asked God last night, why it still caused me so much pain. I had a real honest prayer last night, more of a wrestling match with God... I expressed everything I felt, the good the bad and the ugly... I need to do that more often.

I just received a phone call from a friend who lives in New York. She left Phoenix 5 years ago to pursue play writing and production... she relates to my feelings of defeat and uncertainty. Life is just flying by us all isn't it, and somehow I'm still asking what it means to be alive.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out to serve God... like whether I am really able and willing to sacrifice. Whether I'm really prepared to follow Him...whether I'm good enough. Most days I feel like I'm not. I feel like the hugest failure this side of heaven... and I feel like an enormous mess of a person and that I have little to offer anybody. I'm only good at self destructing...and running away... I'm a pro at that.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose..." Romans 8:28

Prescott

2008-02-18T14:25:00.004-07:00

On a whim, late yesterday afternoon I decided to drive up to Prescott. I ended up booking a hotel room and staying the night, and I'm still here. Not sure what prompted me to make the trip, especially alone, but I'm glad I decided to. I guess I wanted different surroundings, I wanted to do some reading without the normal background noise I've grown so accustomed to. I wanted to think and talk to God with less of the common distractions. I wanted to feel alone, because I was in fact alone for a change...

Anyway, I chose about the perfect time to make the drive...I only wish I had a camera (not on my phone) to capture some of the sights. The sun was setting when I got into the mountains somewhere around Yernell and I was surrounded by some breathtaking views. Honestly, I had trouble keeping my eyes on the road...I love how the hills change colors as the sun sets...first from brown to red and then to a regal purple. Being Sunday afternoon, traffic was light...actually it was lighter than light. At one point on highway 89, I was able to walk out onto the middle of the freeway; there wasn't a soul around for miles...I found only complete silence, with the exception my shoes crackling against the lonely asphalt. Here's a poor photo I took with my phone camera- I was standing more or less on a yellow line...

It's a two way road with a highway speed limit...I think I've always wanted to be able to do this...but for no deep reason. I think I could have taken a short nap right there, completely undisturbed. There was just vastness, a wide open desert, no signs of life...no clutter...just complete serenity.

At the moment, I'm sitting in my hotel room after having had lunch at a local B.B.Q place in downtown Prescott, it was pretty delicious...pulled pork, cold slaw and mash potatoes, it was very homemade and very fulfilling.

I'll be heading home shortly so I should enjoy what hours I have left here... I think I might just sit on the patio (yeah the rooms are pretty nice), light up a cigarette, sip some coffee and maybe do a little reading before I start the drive back into the city... I really like this town.

From Where You Are, by Lifehouse

2008-02-14T10:44:00.005-07:00

So far away from where you are,
These miles have torn us worlds apart.
And I miss you,
Yeah, I miss you.

So far away from where you are,
Standing underneath the stars,
And I wish you were here.

I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face.
I miss all the little things,
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me...
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here.

I feel the beating of your heart,
I see the shadows of your face.
Just know that wherever you are...
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here...

This world has torn us miles apart....

I'm all smiles today.

2008-02-11T17:14:00.000-07:00

Rough day, but nevermind that...

This morning, as soon as I opened the store a woman came in, wearing skimpy gym apparell... bearing cleavage that revealed tattoos of a couple of red cherries on her ha ha's. Regretful, drunken night in mexico? I think so... It was hard not to laugh a little... Then at the close of my day...I had a Sikh gentleman come in and try to read my fortune... I wanted to ask him if he could guess what my answer would be...but I held my tongue. :)

"And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

Away

2008-02-10T18:11:00.001-07:00

In a recent sermon, Mark Driscoll spoke briefly on the social phenomenon that coffee shops have created. People gather under one roof, to sip caffeine, plug into an ipod and read a book, thumb through a magazine or to bury themselves in a laptop… to be among the illusion of company, but wanting to remain without. Together to be alone, perhaps.

I’m at a coffee shop, not an overpopulated Starbucks, but a chain coffee shop nonetheless… sitting among only a few people, wanting to be alone, but I suppose not too alone. I’m hoping to ease the heaviness in my soul, as I have done so many times before, through a series of words, but as always not sure that I have all that much to say.

It’s warm enough today for me to sport only a t-shirt (and jeans silly) and I find the cover of shade to be a welcomed companion. It’s a fabulous day, a preview of spring and I feel an urge to make most of the day, and equally that sitting in silence might just achieve that…but I’m not sure. I think I'm looking for something...I always am.

Sometimes I dream of running off to somewhere much quieter than here. I’d like to find myself far from the crackling of motorbikes, the screech of halting SUV’s and the voice of a rising metropolis, straining to be heard…away from all the clamor of television and movies, and the constant stream of three minute pop songs about love lost, sung by whiney adolescents…I want to get far away from the prodigious conglomerates of our free market economy, that provide the infrastructure for millions of busy families headed nowhere fast. I want to get away from all the hollowed promises of happiness offered by the manufacturers of sodas, furniture and over priced clothing…I want to escape from the pride of tall buildings and the placid, suburban communities, populated only by carbon copy floor plans; away from man made lakes and the ambient glow of power grids; I want to get away from all the other wandering, faceless people who often serve only as a reminder of how alone I am… I want to get away from all the suffocating ideas circling my mind… the noise that seems ubiquitous.

and I want to find quiet, a moment to rest...a moment to breathe.

Storm, by Lifehouse

2008-02-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see you...
Everything would be alright.
If I'd see you...
This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water,
And you will catch me if I fall.
And I will get lost into your eyes,
And know everything will be alright.
And know everything is alright...

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,
So why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose,
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface...

If I could just see you,
Everything would be alright.
If I'd see you,
This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water,
And you will catch me if I fall.
And I will get lost into your eyes,
And know everything will be alright.

And know everything is alright
Everything is alright...

Through Painted Deserts.

2008-02-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

My favorite part of the book is the Author's note at the beginning, so I've included part of it here... It makes me feel things, but the words elude me...

Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.

Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning. And the closest thing I can liken life to is a book, the way it stretches out on paper, page after page, as if to trick the mind into thinking it isn't all happening at once.

Time has pressed you and me into a book, too, this tiny chapter we share together, this vapor of a scene, pulling our seconds into minutes and minutes into hours. Everything we were is no more, and what we will become, will become what was. This is from where story stems, the stuff of its construction lying at our feet like cut strips of philosophy. I sometimes look into the endless heavens, the cosmos of which we can't find the edge, and ask God what it means. Did You really do all of this to dazzle us? Do You really keep it shifting, rolling round the pinions to stave off boredom? God forbid Your glory would be our distraction. And God forbid we would ignore Your glory.

Here is something I found to be true: You don't start processing death until you turn thirty. I live in visions, for instance, and they are cast out some fifty years, and just now, just last year I realized my visions were cast too far, they were out beyond my life span. It frightened me to think of it, that I passed up an early marriage or children to write these silly books, that I bought the lie that the academic life had to be separate from relational experience, as though God only wanted us to learn cognitive ideas, as if the heart of a man were only created to resonate with movies. No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath:

I'll tell you how the sun rose
A ribbon at a time...

It's a living book, this life; it folds out in a million settings, cast with a billion beautiful characters, and it is almost over for you. It doesn't matter how old you are; it is coming to a close quickly, and soon the credits will roll and all your friends will fold out of your funeral and drive back to their homes in cold and still and silence. And they will make a fire and pour some wine and think about how you once were . . . and feel a kind of sickness at the idea you never again will be.

So soon you will be in that part of the book where you are holding the bulk of the pages in your left hand, and only a thin wisp of the story in your right. You will know by the page count, not by the narrative, that the Author is wrapping things up. You begin to mourn its ending, and want to pace yourself slowly toward its closure, knowing the last lines will speak of something beautiful, of the end of something long and earned, and you hope the thing closes out like last breaths, like whispers about how much and who the characters have come to love, and how authentic the sentiments feel when they have earned a hundred pages of qualification.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.

Huge wonder.

2008-02-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

Today is a beautiful day. I'm still very much in love with the weather and it should be raining again soon... it's brisk outside, heavy with rain clouds, dark and melodic like a Radiohead song.

I was quite opposed to waking up this morning, but as I write this now a couple hours removed, I feel pretty well rested, could just be the coffee talking though.

My standard mornings begin with a couple firm taps to the snooze button and an immediate, warm to hot shower. I know some evening showerers and some morning showerers, and some twice a day showerers.. I'm a morning showerer because It helps me to wake up. There have been times when I could not bathe in the morning and I actually felt off (not to mention dirty) the entire day, like I had never fully awakened. You know, "showerer" is not a word, but I've now used it a total of five times in a single paragraph.

Anyway, following the wash, I'll throw some clothes on and then find my favorite chair, where I will have my devotional time... Nearby, there stands my piece of crap acoustic guitar in case I feel up to singing, but this rarely occurs first thing in the morning and it's a piece of crap acoustic because I have yet to invest in a nice Taylor cutaway...(sigh). Though I had originally learned to play on an acoustic, for the last several years I've become more of an electric guy...

So, a couple weeks ago, I started incorporating this book that my mom gave me as a Christmas gift into my quiet time. It is a year long guide through the Psalms.

The commentary is simplistic, concise maybe even a tad superficial (for biblical commentary), but I appreciate it for all these reasons. After turning a few pages, I sat for several moments in the quiet of the morning...I asked God to speak to me and then I prayed for a couple people that were as they say "on my heart," though I don't normally pray for folks during my quiet time...

On my drive to work, I listened to the playlist titled, "Encouragement" on my ipod... this is where I've stored my favorite "Christian" songs. The truth is, I listen to this list more than all my rock n' roll compilations, combined...and for those of you who know me, you know how much i loves me that sweet, sweet rock. This forenoon, I lifted my voice hoping it would be heard beyond the steel of my truck, beyond the busy highway, even beyond the massive hills...

So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again... (Mighty To Save, Hillsong United)

...I will lift my eyes in the darkest night, for I know my savior lives, and I will walk with you knowing you'll see me through... (How Can I keep From Singing, Christ Tomlin)

Take these hands and lift them up for I have not the strength to praise you near enough. I have nothing, I have nothing, without you... (Nothing Without You, Bebo Norman)

Your will above all else, my purpose remains. The art of losing myself in bringing you praise.... Consume me from the inside out... (Inside Out, Hillsong United)

You look down from heaven and melt me with your gaze. Then you come down from heaven and wrap me in your wings, and it makes me feel loved again. So close in your arms and it makes me feel home again... (Close to your heart, The Glorious Unseen)

And I found God... Not because things have lined up, or because I found the answers to the questions I've been asking, or a new job or direction or any of that... because I haven't yet. But I found that God was here, in my life, in my morning. I guess it's what we within the body might call, experiencing "God's presence." I don't know exactly how that all works or what it all means, but my feelings were of peace, joy grandeur, and wonder... and they reiterated the propositional knowledge that I that hold as truth in my mind... I felt Him, God and that's no small incidence...(though if I'm not careful I tend to minimize it). It's huge isn't it? Huge.

Here's to enjoying the day...

Yeah

2008-01-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days I wish that I just could have stayed in bed and slept away... I mean I've had rough days before, but rarely if ever do I feel this way. Alas, it's almost over...and I feel pretty crappy.

you know what though... I think i'm going to thank God now so as not to waste a complete 24 hours... Lord, thank you. Thank you for my job, for always providing for me, even on bad days. Thank you for my imperfect family, my health, my sanity and my daily bread. Thank you for your grace, forgiveness and salvation. Thank you for your Son. Thank you for music, for the air that fills my lungs, for the mountains, the eve and the morning... Thank you that I'll find you when I wake tomorrow...

Contemplations, Rainy Sunday

2008-01-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

Another Sunday afternoon, another weekend that seemed to have raced by... like a vapor, a flash of lightning, something so quick to leave that I have to question whether I really witnessed it. It's raining again, I'm sitting outside underneath a patio cover and listening to the storm pitter pattering onto the pavement, into the pool, upon rooftops; it soaks the city. Beautiful is the only word that comes to mind...and I know I tend to use it quite often, but this world is fo full of beautiful sights and moments that deserve to bear a similar label...

I find myself closing my eyes between sentences to enjoy the smell, the tickles to my ear drums... the feel of my once warm skin as it numbs against the cold wintry air... and though I feel a sorrow in my soul, an unsettling ache, I can't help but surrender to this very moment, a moment too beautiful to pass...

I grab the daily news, it's a rainy afternoon, I'll read the black and white till the words fade on...

I read an article in this morning's paper about a lady, a mother of 3 who had her second bought of cancer. The article begins with the fact that she was given about 6 months to live. Chemotherapy would only prolong her life to about a year, so she decided to try and live out what few days she had left without the ill affects of that type of radiation. This mother and wife was spending each day attempting to instill precious lessons into her children, something she thought she would have decades more to do... for just like you and I, she imagined to live a "long" life. The article follows her spending time with her family and friends, camping, traveling and preparing her husband as best as she can to take over both parenting roles...the article ended with her passing and a cold, sobering punctuation mark. A period never felt so final to me in all the literature I've read.

These are the stories that deserve more than a read. They beg of us to stop and think, to ponder, to slow down and sit outside on a rainy Sunday afternoon, to ask what this life is really all about, to ask "why?" I think I wanted to talk to someone about this, the thoughts that resulted, but feared it might be lost, these ideas, this enormous story... on most of my companions...

I wonder what it is that God has been trying to communicate to me through the course of this period of my life? I wonder what God has been trying to tell me the few years that I have journeyed through thus far. I wonder what God is trying to speak through the mountains, the stars and the changing seasons? God forbid, I miss his precious "words." Most times I feel that He speaks a different language all together, or I do... So I go about my life, my day, my plans... and perhaps He's been trying to communicate with me...but in a language I can't or won't accept. Or is it Truth that I struggle to accept, have I made up mind as to what I want to hear? Is there no room for Him? Do I truly long to follow Him?

Rain, Scrillas and Politics

2008-01-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

It was yesterday, about 4 pm in the afternoon that I sat outside for a few minutes and watched the sky move around me. I wouldn't say it was windy out, but a lethargic breeze appeared to be gathering storm clouds from around the valley; slow was the activity and steady as if the draft were pacing itself for a long night of work...

Just before I headed back inside I remember thinking to myself, at this rate it probably won't rain till tomorrow...and here we are in the tomorrow of yesterday (a very complicated way of saying today)and it's raining, well sort of. Raining for the valley at least, but it's quite lovely... and I look forward to the clean air that will result.

So I'll go down to the sea and breathe the air, take back your piece of me..."

I am looking forward to the weekend only because I'm really worn out from work this week. Things have been picking up, but sales have been slow, this translates to business without the excitement of scrillas in my pocket. Yeah, I said "scrillas" funniest colloquialism ever? quite possibly.

Politics. During my commute to work this morning I was thinking about my disinterest in politics as of late. Now, I hold the strong conviction that legislation is of vital importance, our government directly affects our lives and we have this unique amount of input in choosing our policy makers and sometimes the very policies themselves...and it all changes our lives, whether short term, long term, in direct or indirect ways.

But it's also become this big, dramatic game and I have to wonder if there's something wrong with that. Elections are like the Superbowl; we rally behind our team, buy bumper stickers, t-shirts, and buttons and we get together to celebrate victory or mourn the loss of our side, on the big game night(s). It easily becomes this huge "us vs. them" fiasco, but in the most childish sort of way. I was sucked into this hoopla the year our current President was re elected, i had the signs and stickers and we even tried to crash the "other sides" party at one point...and now I look back and think it was all kind of silly and that it felt like it was all of a sudden ok to be mean to another person because they didn't agree with my value system.

I'm not saying there's anything intrinsically wrong with celebrations, or rallying for a candidate or even bumper stickers, I'm just saying electing our government officials is heavy stuff and yet it all comes together like a competitive sporting event (which mind you we watch for entertainment) and maybe it shouldn't. Maybe we lose sight of the weightiness of everything and maybe we can easily get caught up in the game and the idea of winning...maybe most of the debates sound to me like chickens squawking and I've just grown disinterested in how every candidate talks about how great they will be for the future of our country...I think the whole thing just makes me really, tired.

Thoughts

2008-01-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

It's seems like utter madness, the thousands of thoughts one can continually carry in the reservoir of the mind. Of course, many of the thoughts are, but passing ideas of no real consequence. What should I eat for lunch today? Why did God create dinosaurs? Why would anyone find turquoise jewelry aesthetically pleasing? I wonder how many miles I have driven in my lifetime? These are hardly, life bearing considerations...

And then you have thoughts that may actually be worth their weight in neural activity.

I have been reading quite a bit this season, consequently, I feel almost inundated by ideas. Some are formulating into questions, while others into plausible answers to previous questions... some are just abstractions that I hope may one day develop into more. They whirl inside my head... but of course, I'm not constantly pondering them... I can't.

During my short academic career, I took a Social Psyc. course under a charming and intelligent Harvard grad, Dr. Short. I recall one of our discussions being about biases...and how they may actually develop out of necessity. Our brains are stingy processors because they have to be, otherwise we would be left utterly overwhelmed by the amount of stimuli encountering us constantly. Our minds will categorize, compartmentalize as a means of simply coping.

So I find I am no scientific phenomenon... I go about my day, work, talk on the phone, have dinner with friends, watch films and the ideas lay dormant for a time... but I know they are there waiting for an opportune or inopportune moment to jump out... I don't know what it is about ideas, but I always feel a need to resolve them... like a task to carry out... this may be a flaw, I fully recognize. I need to learn to get outside of my head more, I really do, for life is to be lived in reality.

Anyway, here they are, a few of them with little organization so as to attempt and paint a fair picture of the chaos. I know this entry looks long...but bear with me chief, it'll be fun (maybe not).

I have been entertaining the idea of relocating to Seattle. I'm trying to figure out if I'm running from anything or anyone, even if it be Monotony. And if this is the case, would that be wrong? I wonder what it is I hope to find elsewhere that I have not found here?

Chip Ingram suggests that God has been "connecting the dots" of our calling throughout our entire lives, so we might evaluate the course of our lives up to this point, you know, glance at the rear view mirror at the joys and struggles and everything in between, for insight. The idea is to consider how our unique circumstances might have shaped us for a specific call...

I've been thinking about how many/few people will actually make it in the end, you know to be with God. Jesus' language regarding salvation and the kingdom make it sound pretty rare at times... plus there's all that language about "persevering to the end." I mean I know grace is a gift, but look at the gospels and the epistles and consider what the cross when truly accepted should look like, carried out. Why are we told to "work out our own salvation with fear and trembling?"

Don Miller in Through the Painted Desert," suggest we need to ask the "Why" questions, that we get stuck asking "How" questions. "How do I get a job, a spouse, house etc..." I have been thinking about the "Why" to all of my desires. I want to get married someday, but why? If you can answer this without thought, there is likely a problem. I want to find my "good work"...but why? What are the deepest reasons for the things we do and pursue? What are the profound reasons to it all?

I read this article recently in the Arizona Republic, regarding the cost of gold and how it has gone up to about 900 dollars an ounce! This has prompted people and companies to consider prospecting for Gold again... I even looked into buying a panning kit, to go up to Prescott on weekends...and dig around in the moving bodies of water there, might be fun.

I have these images, suggested by my grade school teachers who painted a beautiful moment of early American history in my mind. I envision droves of working class people migrating form state to state, hoping to improve their social status overnight. A country full of optimists, fueled by distant stories of success, the frenzied search for a soft, shimmering metal...found within the earth, in streams and beneath rocks...dreams of fortune filling the air... what a beautifully desperate time. *Note the Chinese guys who were probably railroad workers, that could have been me sporting such a fabulous hair do.

I received a very welcomed package yesterday, it was one of the books I ordered on half.com, titled "Finding God at Harvard." I stayed up last night and made it through the Prologue, Editor's notes and the first lengthy, but non-laborious chapter.
It's a neat collection of writings from a number of Harvard students and professors who are followers of Christ. Each has a unique story of how they encountered or re-encountered Christ in their studies at the world renowned campus.

Harvard stands as one of the oldest universities in our country established in 1636 and the prestigious academic reputation goes without saying. It's foundations are deeply rooted in the pursuit of truth, namely truth in the person of Christ. Harvard had 3 early mottoes, "Veritas (Truth), In Christi Gloriam (To the glory of Christ) and Christo et Eclessia (For Christ and the Church). As I read through some of the personal accounts of students and professors I witnessed amazing stories of God as not only the pursued, but as the pursuer. It brought me an amount of optimism that perhaps even those that I have known in the past, whom have "fallen away" are not entirely lost, that God truly has an agenda, He sits not passively, but actively seeks people, divinely weaving lives together, suggesting ideas at timely moments, through specific circumstances or what have you...that His glory may be revealed.

Prompted by a podcast by Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, I read through the book of Philipians the other day and then I proceded to 2 Timothy. The former letter was penned by the apostle Paul in a prison cell...There is longing in his voice, loneliness and disappointment and yet he encourages the church to rejoice again and again. In the latter epistle, Paul writes to Timothy knowing that his time on this earth is quickly coming to an end... one of his most famous lines find it's home in this letter: "I have fought the good fight, I have run the race..."

Paul's writings have made me really consider what it means to be a servant of God. I think it's a difficult concept for any American or western believer, especially in our time. Life is so comfortable and rarely, if ever do we actually suffer for Christ's sake. But the bible is replete with stories of people like you and I who had only committed their lives to carry out God's work. They gave up their own agendas and just wanted to help other people find the way and yet they suffered gravely for it. I suffer mostly because I make poor decisions, because I'm selfish and try to remain autonomous, I try to do it my way and pay the consequences...

Interestingly, Paul refers to his troubles as sharing in Christ's suffering...He actually saw beauty in it, like it was something of great honor. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to get whipped, stoned, shipwrecked or incarcerated, but I'm wondering why there is such a stark contrast in my life and the lives of the apostles, disciples and the life of my savior.

"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Matthew 16:25)

I think that if Children are a gift from God, my lack of interest in kids might actually be objectively wrong. We don't like to "judge" so we tell people: "to each his own." Some people naturally take to children others don't and we think that's ok.
But if God views Children as a blessing, a result of his perfect design, the fruit of the union of two people, then kids must be beautiful. If I don't see it that way I have some changing, growing, perhaps simply maturing to do.

I'm wondering if dreams really do mean things. I mean I'm sure some of them do, because you have all those important stories in the bible where God or an angel of the Lord appeared to folks in dreams. Remember that little incident with Mary, the mother of Jesus. So I guess my real question is how can we really distinguish between meaningful dreams and dreams resulting from that fourth microwave burrito you know you shouldn't have had after midnight? What is the basis? I'm wondering this because I've been dreaming a great deal lately, some of them very unpleasant, others severely mundane.

Ok, so that's probably more than anybody will care to read or have time to look through, I apologize for my verbosity, I just get to writing and this happens...this big mess...here's to thoughts.

Sunday

2008-01-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I spent a little time changing the appearance of this, here blog... I found this picture of a road anticipating a turn...and just fell for it. This picture caught by the lens of an unknown photographer, makes me think of Life. For life is a road, a winding one... and we often have no idea where it will lead us...or what joy or peril, obstacle or blessing awaits us just beyond the curve... I love the color that the picture was developed into, it's hazy with an imbalance of earthly tones, perhaps a touch of sepia... aloof- that's how it feels.

It's Sunday afternoon... I know this not only because the calendar says so...but because I feel it. See, there's a common sentiment that I have often associated with Sunday afternoons. It was upon expressing this idea (or attempting to) with others that I discovered it to be common among several others. *It's a quiet sorrow blended with one part uncertainty and one part loneliness. I could liken it to the feeling you get when you're forced to say goodbye to someone you only started to grow fond of. It's not deep and penetrating because you haven't had time to develop those sibling like emotional ties, but it's there and it hurts because you know you will probably never see them again and because you had not the chance to grow together. Sunday afternoons feel that way to me...have since I was a child... perhaps it's the days behind, the week I'm parting with...the week that once realized, disappears like vapors into the atmosphere.

Currently, I'm sitting outside a coffee shop, which might explain some of my *recipe descriptions of an emotion. This particular afternoon, this brisk, winter afternoon in the middle of a month that's moving too swiftly, I don't just have the previously defined feeling, it's as though it were climaxing... for I think I've carried the melancholy with me for the last 3 days, from sunrise to sunset... why? I'm not sure, so we'll just leave it at that.

I purchased my first audiobook, Through The Painted Desert, by Donald Miller, on itunes on Friday of the week past. Although I'd made a pretty substantial purchase of softcovers earlier this week, I find that as I wait for their arrival I miss the company of another's thoughts. I must say I have been pleasantly surprised. It's a beautiful book and Miller is beginning to really earn my respect as a writer and more importantly a thinker. It's about perfect in audio format...and I'd highly recommend it. More on that later... for now I'm going to sign off and probably go for a drive or find a quiet place outside to sit. I'm supposed to call a couple people to possibly hang out this evening...but I'm honestly not up for it. I really just want to be alone.. still, but I want to be outside my house...so we'll see what I can come up with. I'm about sick of starbucks so anywhere, but here will do.

First of the year.

2008-01-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

Somehow I find myself at the end of what feels like a lengthy week. Nothing too eventful has occurred though. I haven't felt the desire to blog much lately. It means that I'm generally in better spirits. For whatever reason, I tend to write most when I'm feeling down and this has not been so much the case since the beginning of the new year.

When I look to my entries of the last few months I begin to notice the descriptions of a process... Of course, it was difficult for me to recognize at times... but through the clearer lens of hindsight, I see how different ideas and truths entered my life at specific points, be it through conversations with friends, or books read. Now, I find myself in a place where perhaps much of these lessons have begun culminating.

The fact is, I'm not the same person that I was a year ago. I've never been the person that I am today. Of course, this isn't necessarily all a positive thing... I lost bits and pieces of myself along the way... but I feel as though I've grown, really grown in some areas.

The lessons resulted from various situations, different people entering and leaving my life... from trials and failures, costly mistakes and minor successes. But here I am now, just a little wiser and a little closer to being conformed to His image...on the road to becoming the man I so long to be. (At once, also realizing that I have so very much more to learn; a tremendous journey of personal growth awaits.)

So as my first, real New years entry instead of going into a list of resolutions, I'm going to list some of the lessons I've learned this year. Some were more profound than others, most I thought I had learned in the past, but was confronted by them differently this year...and some were more painful to arrive to, but all lessons they remain and lessons I'm sure I will continue to learn and relearn in the days and years ahead. (No, I haven't nailed any of these things, daily I struggle, but I think I've made some progress.)

1) Appreciating my family and what it means to honor my parents.

2) Fearing God. How reverence is essential to worship, you cannot have one w/out the
other.

3) Forgiveness. *Accepting it, granting it to those even when they haven't asked for it. Both are liberating.

4) Surrender. Not only pertaining to my behaviors, but everything I hold so dear to me, even the "good." The life that I have worked so hard to arrange for myself, the future, the dreams... all of it.

5) I am a never ending well of pride. Further, this pride will rise up at every possible opportunity and so I must check my tongue and my motives at every turn.

6) I am severely insecure.

7) A cup of warm coffee each morning promotes Regularity.

8) Guarding my heart. (boundaries).

9) When you're overwhelmed, exhausted, feel like you've got nothing left, serve others. "He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." (Proverbs 11:25)

10) The imperative to do relationships God's way. Rules are placed to protect us.

11) Keeping my eye on the prize. (kingdom living). The life of a Christian is the pursuit of the eternal, not the attempt at building heaven here on earth.

12) My value does not depend on a what others think of me. Life is not a political campaign, I don't need to impress anybody and I don't have to be loved by everyone.

13) My choices can have enormous consequences.

14) There is nothing like that sweet hour of prayer.

15) Sometimes, you only get one chance...

16) Life is freakin' hard.

New years eve/day.

2008-01-01T01:37:00.001-07:00

It is officially new years in California now. At the moment, I'm sitting outside alone by the hotel's swimming pool. The lobby of our residence just experienced an influx of airline pilots and what looks like their significant others...for those who have them and people are wishing one another a happy new year. We spent our evening at "downtown disney," which is a neat attraction right next to disneyland and then headed back to our room... I must have been exhausted because I fell asleep on a 30 minute commute...and woke up to Tim telling me happy new year as we neared the hotel. It's strange not being home for new years eve... I feel somewhat dissatisfied at the anticlimactic evening... but it really isn't a big deal.

All around the world people got together with friends, family, strangers, communities for fireworks, champagne, excessive hats and glasses, confetti, parties and heavily populated strips, bars and restaurants to usher in the occasion; others spent quiet evenings at home, or at work, or in foreign countries thousands of miles from home, alone, separated from loved ones...or simply without... stark contrasts, so it is with life.

Nevertheless, another year has gone...

This morning Tim and I went to Santa Monica Beach to read, think and enjoy some quiet time... I read just a few pages of A Severe Mercy again; the particular section about Vanauken's Illumination period of Davy resonated with me. He talks about how there simply is not time enough in this life... not to live it like we truly desire to. We are always on the clock, life is always passing us by...though we try so hard to find "timeless moments." Of course, this speaks of our longing for a timeless reality.

I feel this most of the time...tonight I feel it much deeper.

I'm not sure how i feel about the coming year, which is a bit strange for me since I generally know exactly how I feel about something at any given moment. I feel cold because i'm outside early in the morning during winter. I feel fatigued because it's been an extremely eventful week, half of which was spent on the road... and I feel a mixture of reluctance and invitation at the thought of returning home... but as far as the new year is concerned...I simply don't know right now...

It's been an interesting year...and one I will not soon forget. It's been a year of change, drastic change and this not only for me, but also for so many around me. It's been one of adversity, of brokenness, failure, of love and loss and regrets... and a year of immense growth...learning.

If there's one major thing I'm looking for in the new year, it would be Redemption in 2008.

Hollywood

2007-12-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

Being the avid tourists that we are, yesterday we headed over to the ever so famous Hollywood Blvd Strip, home of the "walk of stars." Although it was cold and windy it was heavily populated, which means there was lot's to see.

There were plenty of street performers, impersonators and photo opts. Pictured below are two youngin's who we assumed were a brother/sister duo. To my surprise, the guitarist blared a very familiar riff and the gal who must have been about 7 years of age started singing:

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Of course, I liked her about a million times more than the excessive Axl Rose.

My favorite was probably a quirky magician that was sitting against a wall. I saw he had a black had and a deck of cards, but no people around so I approached him. He had some amazing tricks and soon after, a small crowd developed.

There was the Tree man covered in leaves, standing about 8 feet tall (on stilts), who would stand by tall palm trees and scare unsuspecting pedestrians. He even got Tim. :)

Ripley's Believe it or Not, I have been to this Strip several times now, but never actually made it into the exhibit...i'm too cheap, I think it's like 16 bucks for admission, yesterday was no exception, we just stepped in the foyer for a few pics.

If I could only eat one thing for the rest of my life, it would be Stefano's Pizza... it's simply amazing. In fact, we stopped in here on a full stomach and shared a couple slices because it's that good.

The original :)

Elliot outside of the Ron Hubbard, Scientology building. Some interesting marketing, a stress test, a Christmas display and 3 young adults that were all intelligent, articulate, attractive, calm and confident, of course it would take much more to convince E.

Reminded me of home...the Mandarin Theatre... No, i'm not chinese, but close enough. \

More than meets the eye.

Quick update

2007-12-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday morning and we're in Los Angeles, we arrived early Saturday Morning after a 19 hour drive from Seattle... We hit severe weather again up in Oregon and into Northern California. We rushed to meet Brad, who had arrived the night before and therefore we did not get to stop in San Francisco, or Fresno to see Steph. I was also planning on calling Louie and Vic since they weren't far from that region...but it didn't work out.

I just watched, literally 75 percent of our hotel empty out. I'm not sure what was going on, but there were hundreds of Latin folks here who just boarded a couple tour buses. At the moment, I'm sitting outside by the pool, alone.

Last night, I took Brad and Elliot to the Santa Monica Pier, but I think the cold weather toned down the commonly busy tourist attraction. There were only about half the normal amount of tourist merchants present and only one performer, an older asian fella who was literally a one man band.

He had a rig made of pvc pipe that had a couple of keyboards and cymbals. He had a harmonica around his neck, a guitar in hand, with drum sticks taped to the headstock..and of course a microphone for vocals. Evidently he had been on t.v. a few times in the past. It brought a smile to my face so I guess he was entertaining.

We then headed across the street to the 3rd St. Promenade which is a large strip of shops. We watched several street performers and even listened in on a Christian gentleman who had an area set up with 2 microphones, one for himself the other for whomever might want to ask a question. I didn't agree with a lot of his answers and I found him a bit abrasive, like he was looking for a fight... nevertheless, it was interesting.

There were two spanish guitar players that were pretty amazing, a solo artist from Alabama that we enjoyed, a legless beggar, dancers and a cute blonde gal who seemed to be just getting a start. I wish Phoenix had a place for all the creative at heart...

I do enjoy this city. The coastal air from the pacific has a distinct feel that's so familiar to me though I've only spent a limited amount of my life here. Most people complain about the traffic, but I love driving in LA. The PCH is one of my favorite drives...and of course there's Muholland and Beverly...

I'm not sure what our plans are for today, I think we're gonna hit up Koreatown because Tim seems to really miss the motherland.

Update

2007-12-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

Pikes Place Market

As I type this we are back on the highway headed towards Portland, leaving Seattle with a deal of reluctance, next main destination is Los Angeles, CA.

The last 48 hours have felt like one endless day. Fast food, gas station snacks, ice cold weather, driving and more driving…fatigue...sheer joy. I had about a combined 5 hours of sleep between both days…my companions about the same, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

After leaving Boise, ID Thursday morning, we drove into Oregon. It was quite beautiful. Oregon is surrounded by giant hills blanketed by deep amounts of powdery snow… High in elevation, the air was thin, but as pure as one could imagine.

We made a stop when we realized we were traveling the Oregon Trail. Due to it being the end of December we found ourselves completely alone at the “Oregon Trail Interactive Center.” Of course, it was painfully cold. I was the only one with gloves, therefore I amused myself by throwing snowballs at Tim and Big Love, E.
Upon hitting the roads again, we saw warning signs indicating “Extremely Icy conditions,” and rows of large semi’s were pulled over to the right placing chains over their tires. On certain roads, a thin cloud of snow would float just over the blacktop…and it looked like we were driving on a cloud. We made a food and gas stop… and found that in the state of Oregon you were not allowed to pump your own gas… The poor attendants stood out there explaining this law to all the cars that pulled up.

I took over driving duties from there and after a few hours we found ourselves in Washington at about 5:00pm. Much to our dismay we hit pretty severe conditions from this point on. We tuned into a local radio station for a report, the message was concerning severe weather (snow) in the region we’d be driving right through. It was a blizzard, heavy snow fall and strong winds, to make matters worse our windshield would get a thin layer of moisture from the precipitation and then freeze over. Unfortunately, our washer fluid stopped working and so we had to put up with low visibility, did I mention it was really dark,the roads were curvy and slippery and we were in a Chrysler Sebring convertible? ☺ It was probably the scariest drive I’ve ever been a part of, although initially it was exciting after the second hour It started to wear on me.

At about 7:30 pm, we arrived in Seattle exhausted, hungry, and cold, but excited at the sight of the space needle. We checked in to a lovely hotel downtown, compliments of Tim and found ourselves with a gorgeous view of the city skyline from the 27th floor.

Dinner was Seattle’s world famous clam chowder and it was fabulous. We had it in this really neat shopping mall. From outside it doesn’t look like much, but once through the surface you find floor upon floor of shops and eateries. We did just a little walking around, mainly looking for a
Starbucks, I know, it’s Seattle home of Starbucks and there were 2 for every block, but for some reason they were all closed. Despite the cold and rain I just really loved the feel and smell of the City. We were in bed by 10pm. I can’t tell you how thankful I was for a bed.

In the morning, we headed down the street to the famous Pikes Marketplace. The vendors were just starting to set up so we walked around for a while, until we found a spot that served breakfast food. It was delicious, all you can eat Waffles for $ 6 and a chili omellete. Yum.

I finished eating first and stepped out for a moment, alone. It was a brisk morning, the air was slightly moist, cold and crisp… I loaded Amos Lee on my ipod, lit a cigarette and walked over to a flower shop and then to a newsstand (standard of larger cities). I picked up a few postcards and I watched…

I watch a restless city pass me by, I watch to trade the sting of emptiness within for the emptiness without…

And I felt something… difficult to describe with words…but profound… I think I fell in love with the City.

Halfway?

2007-12-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

We are in Boise, Idaho and it's about 7:44 am, Thursday Morning. I've been sleeping in spurts of an hour here, a half hour there...crammed in a car with Big love and Big tim.
:) Tim has done the majority of driving so far because he got some sleep while Elliot and I did the "Vegas things" respectively. Generally, one person will drive, one person will sleep and the other will keep the driver company...well that was the idea, but it's been more like 2 sleep, 1 drive...our Life is in the pilots hands. We've had some scary moments, foggy freeways in Utah, snow and wind...but so far so good.

We've traveled over 1,000 miles in the last literal 24 hours... and I'm starting to feel it. Neck is stiff, back is stiff, and I'm really tired.

From Vegas we headed through Northern Nevada.

There were unspeakable sights in there...unspeakable :)

Utah was next. It was a beautiful drive through massive mountains scraping the clouds... and we drove through a good amount of snow... at night because of the headlights of the car it looks like you're traveling through a portal or at some sci-fi warp speed... and It was COLD!!! At one point the car thermometer read negative 7 degrees... I think Tim's right when he says I'm meant to live in Arizona all my life...or maybe So. Cal? In Salt Lake City, we pulled over at a truck stop and slept in the car. Elliot disappeared for a while and I woke up to the smell of truck fumes...we were sandwiched between to big rigs... no wonder I was so sleepy :)
Elliot had found a 24 hour diner nearby and so I joined him, while Tim slept in the parking lot. They had a full menu with steak, chicken, pasta what have you... but it was 2 a.m. and no one else in the restaurant but Me, Elliot and the server in a gas station restaurant.... I feared for my stomach and sincerely wondered if she would also be our cook... I opted for French toast because I figured it would be a safe bet.

Boise, ID

We are charging our laptops, blogging and drinking Starbucks. Idahoans are quickly populating the shop, it's business as usual...first impressions, Boise seems like a nice, quaint town... Next, it's back on the road for another 8 hours, continuing on the 84 North... Seattle here we come!

It's icy here... I nearly slipped, I'm such a tourist, look at the shoes i'm wearing...

Highlights so far, crowning Elliot "Big Love," Poker in Vegas, Snow, the scenery, Tim grabbing Big Love inappropriately, and spending all this time with my boys!

And that was vegas...

2007-12-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

We started pretty dam early this morning. Tim was too dam late getting up :) so we left phoenix around 7 a.m. And then we went from one dam thing to another.
Ok that was horrible. Here is Hoover Dam in all of it's glory.

Here are Timothy and E in the Chrysler Sebring.

Viva Las Vegas, and we actually listened to Elvis in the Car.

Treasure Island on the Strip.

We had lunch at Caesars Palace upon arrival. Then Elliot went for a walk around the Strip, Tim took a nap in the car and I...well, I found the Poker tables. It was very enjoyable as usual and I left with a good chunk of change :) But of course no camera's aloud in the Poker room so you'll have to take my word for it.

We took a stop at Starbucks for internet access and some coffee...

It's just before 5 pm and the sun is starting to set on the desert...and Vegas will really come to life...but we're off to Idaho I think...which we will just be passing through on our way to Seattle, WA, I'm very excited. So far we're all going on very little sleep, but having a blast. 2 hours of sleep last night and I'm still up because it's mighty difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position, anyway, more to come! Oh and check Tim's blog (freakngenius) for other updates!

The day is done...

2007-12-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

6 a.m. day after Christmas
I'll throw some clothes on in the dark.
The smell of cold, car seat is freezing
the world is sleeping, I am not... Ben Folds

Advent

2007-12-25T01:02:00.001-07:00

I feel strangely numb. This time last year i was a well of emotions... and for the moment I feel "comfortably numb." I never imagined I'd ever have a chance to reference Pink Floyd in any of my blogs :)

It's quiet, and officially Christmas now. Just about half past 1 a.m. and exactly how one would imagine this time of this particular day to be... completely serene...cold, frozen...calm. And yet since i haven't laid my head down on my pillow yet, I'm convinced that it still remains the eve of...

I've been having difficult dreams the last few days so I sort of don't want to sleep... though my eyes grow heavier by the moment i'm fighting it with all I have.

It still doesn't feel like Christmas...everyone I have talked to today and even late this evening can relate. This year has been quite interesting to say the least...and I wonder if there's been just that much change, all around.

I'm not sure what it is I want to feel...what i'm waiting for, what i'm missing... If I did, perhaps I could do something to evoke this apparently mysterious sentiment...or at least something closely resembling it...but I really don't know. I know that I feel empty and I feel quite ambivalent about feeling empty. I know that I miss Christmas last year and that it just couldn't be more different today...

If I'm honest, it feels like just another day, just another late evening...but that just can't be right. Selah.

Over two millenia ago, God came to us in the form of a vulnerable Child, because we, left to ourselves had made such a great mess of everything. He came to us in a way that we might relate to Him...because we could not reach Him otherwise. He came to us. He came to us...

And so, despite my disappointments about how different and hollow this Christmas feels to me... I am confronted by this powerful truth...

He came to us...

"Unto us a Son is given, unto us a child is born."

Xmas Eve

2007-12-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

It's Christmas eve, day... I must be one of the few people working today... well, I saw the garbage truck this morning in our neighborhood... and then there was the Fed EX guy I ran into in the store parking lot. I asked him how he was doing and he asked me the same...we both smiled with a level of understanding since we're at work when much of the country is not... :) The poor mall people are still working...and of course our soldiers both domestic and overseas... our public servants, like police officers and firefighters, paramedics... and gas station clerks...oh here comes mr. mailman too. So here's to all the people hard at work during the holidays.

I don't really feel "Christmasy" this year. Though I've been in Arizona for over a decade now, it has always struck me as strange to see blue skies, green plants and people wearing short sleeves during this time of year. Nevertheless, it's a beautiful morning... and I'm in good spirits. I've been having some great mornings... the afternoons and evenings are a different story, but the mornings I've been looking forward to :)

Tim (the best friend) is here from Korea, so i've been spending every waking moment with him since he got in on Friday. As evidenced in my blogs this year, I've been feeling more and more estranged here in my home of over a decade... with Tim here it feels a little more like familiar.

So on Wednesday morning, Elliot, Tim and I will begin our journey... Roadtrippin'!
We'll begin with a 5 hour drive to Las Vegas! We'll probably have lunch and spend a few hours at the poker tables (no limit holdem' of course). Then we'll be off, up to the North, seeing more of Nevada than I ever have, through Idaho (i've never been)to our second destination about 18 hours later: Seattle, Washington. The following day we'll head down the Golden state, to Fresno to meet Steph the artist/flight attendant, oh happy day. Then to Frisco maybe for clam chowder in a sourdough breadbowl and beer along fishermans warf? Then we'll drive down the Pacific Coast Highway to the City of Angeles. At LAX we'll meet Bradley. We'll spend a couple days there, including New years eve and then we'll make the 6 hour trek back home. I know, it's quite ambitious to travel 4,000 miles in a week... but we are ambitious people :)

I'm really going to make an effort to blog along the way.

I miss certain people today... I was telling Tim the other day that even knowing God will see us through the toughest valleys of our life, that He has a plan and all still doesn't keep us from sincerely missing those lost along the way. My Christmas won't be complete...it just won't.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to you all...or more accurately: joyous Advent!

Blah, blah, blog

2007-12-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

Usually I write with a degree of intention. Most often, with a heaviness in my heart or several specific thoughts in my head, which I feel the need to ponder further; writing provides a medium... this evening, I find myself writing because it serves as a form of company. I know it sound a bit odd, perhaps even a bit sad and I don't expect anyone to relate to this...but it is a true description of how i feel at the moment. So I can't promise much of a read since I feel anything, but grounded by purpose...in fact, something as light as this evenings chilly breeze could probably direct and redirect the substance of this blog...

I feel sort of like a zombie these days. A headless zombie if those should exist. Well, i am talking about zombies afterall...so there aren't really any "rules" :) So i'm a headless one, riding a unicorn, hunting fire breathing dragons... with a small company of elves...? sure why not.

Zombie...? what do i mean by that? Well, I'm not doing anything with any amount of passion. I work, keep myself entertained until bed time, and then work again. The small group and younglife are both things that I feel are important and significant, but passionate about it, I dunno. I am doing the best I can with the group... I care about the guys and have every desire to be diligent in this area... but am I passionate about it? not so sure. It doesn't excite me like rock n' roll... but nothing does.

At the same time, I feel pretty much stuck here for the moment. I've been in a holding pattern for months... waiting to hear from God... impatient, most of the time...but not really hearing anything even resembling an answer about where I should be headed... it's frustrating to say the least... and somehow I feel more exhausted than I ever have felt, in my entire life...(of course there have been other factors). Nevertheless, it seems as though for the moment, for the season, I may have to just wait...in vocational stagnation... but sometimes "waiting" feels so daunting a task. Ok, actually it's most often.

The thing is, I pretty much suck at it. That's why I appreciate things like the microwave and instant coffee so much, toaster strudles...Granted, we're an entire generation raised on such luxuries...(little did we know they could hurt us). To add insult to injury I'm definitely on the passionate side of human personalities...so i'm a ball of impatience at times. But i wait...

I just finished talking to Tim online... and through nothing he said directly, I thought about how many people i've met over the years. Perhaps thousands? And how sad it is that the vast majority of them are entirely insignificant (pragmatically speaking) to me (and I to them) in terms of our respective lives, today. For one reason or another, a relationship wasn't born...nurtured or built... and our lives just moved right along...

To take this further, we could look to friendships...many have come, many have gone...over the years, and this will continue to occur. I used to really hate the idea of certain friendships being very temporary... i mean i know: bigger picture, all friendships are...(due to death and sin),but what I mean is there are people that enter our lives and provide a function for a short time...and then for whatever reason... they are gone...relationships change...

It's a tragedy of life i think... because it speaks of how everything is so very fleeting... and I don't use the word "tragedy" lightly.

And yet, those relatively short moments can make an eternity of a difference...we can play extraordinary roles in another persons life even if for only a fragment of time... and perhaps the impact can be as significant in the grand scheme of things, as some lifelong friendships. And I suppose that's the poetry of it.

Now I don't think a touch of beauty redeems an intrinsically sad reality...not entirely or even close.... no more than a drop of red ink would turn a tub of water completely ruby... but I guess it would blend into the colorless fluid and create a faint pink...so as to ease the pain just a little.

I will always struggle with this because I'm extremely relational by nature...I want to keep every one of my friendships and continue to build on those relationships...but I guess I'm learning or beginning to accept certain realities...at least while we're here on earth...

methinks heaven will be vastly different with regards to relationships... I truly hope so.

I'm strangely tired, so I guess I'll leave it at that...I promise I'll write with more of a point tomorrow. :)

7 guys, 3 gals and baked goods under 1 roof.

2007-12-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

The small group met last night at Louie and Vic's house. I'm thankful they've opened up their home to a group of noisy guys... Though I haven't spent an extensive amount of time there, the house just has a feeling of "home" to me... It's warm and comfortable.

I was preparing an outline for our discussion up until the very last minute, rushing to leave work, while talking on the phone with Tim. My hands were more than full and I was trying to close shop, while carrying my laptop bag and the remnants of the day's lunch; my small cell phone precariously fixed between my shoulder and my head...

I was exhausted because I stayed out too late the night before after the "progressive dinner" talking to Elliot in front of his house, it's good to have him home.

Truth be told, I really didn't want to meet with the group last night...I was emotionally drained and feeling pretty cynical...and just tired.
In the words of Kerouac:

"I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion..."

I made it just in time to meet up with one of the guys before the rest of the group had arrived... he asked if we could talk and shared with me some very heavy things...I mostly just listened... The older I get, the more I listen and the less I speak - I should say the less I feel the need to say something for the sake of saying something... I think before, due to my insecurities, I always felt a need to say something profound...you know so that I would prove myself as capable or knowledgeable; otherwise I thought I needed to say something to demonstrate to the other person that I was in fact interested... but I'm finding it shows, if sincere, albeit in non verbal ways. I'm still insecure though...just dealing with it or trying to deal with it very differently now.

After he spoke...I asked him several questions that he pondered for sometime. I witnessed the inner struggle...as we sat out in the patio...in the cold. Being critically honest with yourself is never an easy exercise...not necessarily because we don't want to be ...but we've also learned a million different ways to lie to ourselves...and we have to navigate through that maze...

there were moments of long pauses...

I could hear people arriving...the house was filling up...laughter could be heard at a distance through the sliding glass doors that separated us, but I decided not to turn around, not even for a glance... I think I needed to be right there in our conversation, and only there. I hope I was of some help to him, but I'm not sure.

To my pleasant suprise, Tweed and Wash were over helping Vic bake cookies and zucchini nut bread. I am always suprised at just how easily women change the dynamic of everything... I mean even if it's completely unbeknownst to them and entirely unintentional... they bring a gentleness, a unique sort of calm and soft warmth that's very different from what guys have to offer... granted, these three gals are exceptional people.

Due to the activity in the kitchen, Louie threw a couple logs of wood into their fire pit and we sat outside with mugs of coffee and blankets. The discussion went well. I think the guys are starting to get more comfortable with one another, which means more individual involvement, more sharing.

The discussion centered around John Eldredige's idea that Desire is central to who we are. That we lose by supressing our desire and how the aftermath of that actually destroys us. There is a war waging within our selves, because we fight to kill off the very thing that makes us human writes, Eldredge.

We also talked about diciphering good, legitimate desire from illegitimate. We talked about what makes a good desire, good and a bad, bad... we also talked about intrinsically good desires, gone bad... It naturally turned to a talk of romantic relationships... we concluded of course, that God must be our portion, that all else could not be relied on...could not be the source of our hope...because it would all fail us...or fall away, inevitably.

I challenged the guys to consider then, what this should look like in practical terms. What does it tangibly look like in your day to day if God is your focus, the center of your life? I asked this because within the body of Christ we always hear the statement, "make God your center," it's almost a cliche, but we often don't know what it really means...it's abstract and if we don't evaluate it, we'll just associate it with a feeling, which is never a good idea.

The conversation that emerged was centered around the concept of Worship, with our entire lives. A few of the guys presented the idea of allowing God to truly exercise authority, the final say in all parts of our lives and I fully agreed.

Hoping to dig a little deeper, I presented the idea that because we exist in a finite reality, time was the ever precious commodity... Therefore, we need to closely evaluate where all our time was being spent because it would speak volumes regarding our actual focus in life. It's like money in that regard, of course they say: "time is money." We spend both on that which we treasure... as Jesus said: "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I think I spend a good amount of my time and $$$ on keeping my stomach full (literally and figuratively), trying to impress others by making myself look a certain way, and well, keeping myself entertained... it's sort of the American way. Of course I give of my time and money... but such a small percentage, in reality. I think I can safely say, God is far from being the center of my life... I am the center.

Vanauken, in his book A Severe Mercy, states that God was like a beautiful poem he would read once in a while to make him feel a certain something... but a true, real relationship it was not. I feel that way at times... and I'm realizing this whole "relationship with God" concept is something I'm still only beginning to unravel after all these years...

Anyway, It thrills me to see everyone within the group getting along. We stuck around afterwards, playing video games and shooting the breeze; it seemed everyone had a good time. For some, this is the only community they are truly a part of...

I talked to Tim on the way home and I could hardly keep my eyes open... I was afraid to go home... afraid of being met only by my lonliness. It was hard to get up this morning... but I'm here... taking each day as it comes and trying to find God in and through it all.

Letting go.

2007-12-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

She opened herself up to me after much resistance... she hurt me quite often...and I kept trying to change her. I was critical at times, I regret that so deeply... she remained guarded... through and through.

To break up with me, she tried on numerous occassions, said it would never work... I guess she knew better than I at the time...but I always talked her out of it... I knew all the right things to say. I was addicted to her...and her to me.
I just couldn't let go.

Amazing doesn't begin to describe her.

She hurt me more than anybody ever has. I hurt her more than I had earned the right to. We couldn't let each other go...even though we had decided it was for the best... we clung to each other... against all reason... it felt so good to hold her in my arms, her head nestled in my neck... we'd talk for hours... she was beautiful.

I didn't love her baby like she wanted me to...I couldn't commit, because I was so scared, so lost... and confused... I just knew they deserved so much more than me, so much more than my uncertainty. I hated myself for that...

I thought one day I might learn to... but couldn't ask her to wait around for maybe. I always knew...they deserved more... I was waiting...hoping I could become so much more. I miss the pair... more than I had ever imagined... reminders of what I lost come to me all too often.

She didn't call anymore... and then suddenly she said, we couldn't be friends... she'd moved on... and I should as well, but she refused to talk to me... only text messages. It has been sometime since I've heard her voice.

I couldn't breathe that day... and though time has past, at moments I still feel that way. I'm not sure of who she's become... but it seems the warmth of her heart has grown calloused and grey... and to some extent, I have myself to blame. A Redeemer we both need in a desperate way.

You see, last night she broke me again... armed with harsh words, some horrible things to say... though they weren't spoken aloud, they echoed in my head...i tossed and i turned trying to make sense of it all...

it's time to let go.

I don't know when we were broken...

two young lovers walking hand in hand,
'round the man made lake
at our favorite coffee plant.
I counted the stars to give them to you
you smiled in the night and faded the moon.
but nothing it seems remains anymore
nothing of us, nothing i fear...

but with effort I still remember, my dear...
our love was once true and our hearts were so near.
and nothing in life will take that away,
not distance, nor time nor your searing words yesterday...

And when years have long gone...
and only strangers, we've become...
a simple truth will always remain:

We were at one time...important to one another.

To this I'll cling when all memories i've lost
and remember your laughter, when the days are long...

always praying for you... and letting go.

A Christmas Song

2007-12-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

Excerpts from River by Joni Mitchell

It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees.
they're putting up reindeer, singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on.

But it don't snow here, it stays pretty green
I'm gonna make a lot of money
and then I'm gonna quit this crazy scene,
Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on.

I wish I had a river so long, I'd teach my feet to fly...
I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

I made my baby cry.

I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I gone and lost the best baby that I ever had.
I wish I had a river, I could skate away on
Oh, I wish I had a river so long
I'd teach my feet to fly.

I made my baby say goodbye...

Mix it up

2007-12-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

I most often share only my thoughts and rarely the events...I often wonder if my blog is a pretty dull place of emotional weighty-ness, so today I'm going to share about my weekend, not that it was out of ordinary or anything...but just in the name of variety... As with most of my weekends, it zoomed by. (zoom, zoom). I can't help, but think of Mazda anytime I hear or read the word "zoom" or any tense of it. :)

Friday night I stayed out a bit late, but all in good fun. I arrived at my friend Josh's house after work. Josh lives with his girlfriend Lauren in Phoenix. They are both Jewish and were giving each other Hanukkah gifts, for the 4th night of the celebration. That was neat to watch, Lauren gave Josh a set of poker chips, and a poker table (which I was also thankful to her for) and Josh got Lauren (and himself) 2 tickets to the next Suns game, with press passes for the two of them, so that she might meet some of the players. They lit candles together and I very much enjoyed being a fly on the wall. Then we watched the Suns game.

They are both huge basketball fans, in fact Josh was once a Suns ball boy.

Everybody around these parts seems obsessed with the Suns lately. Now I do enjoy a good College football game once in a while, but I could also live without it.
I don't watch ESPN for highlights, ever. I don't particularly like talking about what happened to this player, or who's contract is up or what team has the winningest record... who should be traded, who should be the MVP this season...I don't ever have to know the score to any game at anytime, I've never had such figures texted to my phone... but most of my male friends and increasingly more female friends do...and it seems this way more and more.

I don't mind that they love it at all... in fact I often end up watching a game and enjoying it in the name of being a good sport...as more often than not anytime my boys and I get together it's inevitable...but I just don't seem to like it as much as everybody else... I guess I'm missing something?

When I was a kid, I did enjoy it a bit more. But nowadays... I just view it as a bunch of grown men, playing a game. And these grown men on occasion curse, cheat, get angry and emotional and even fight over this game...what is more, other grown adults, thousands of them...pay money to watch all this go on...

they're not playing...which is what makes it that much more bizarre to me. they are in no way involved with what happens on the field, court or ice... and yet they wear identical uniforms, hats and hoop and holler as if they were out there themselves...and as if it were a matter of life and death, some of them. But they are merely spectators, nothing more. Sometimes these spectators even curse, yell, lose their heads and in extreme cases fight themselves... but again it's all just a game...that they are merely watching unfold.

All this to say, that I just don't get it, it's completely lost on me...but to each his/her own.

I do know people want to feel a part of something...something significant... something bigger than themselves to identify with...which is why people often relate to the team closest to their hometown... or some to the "best" most winningest team or player.

Anyway, post suns game, I actually learned to play the Dreidel that night, which is like the Jewish equivalent of rolling dice. Josh kept winning, so I joked that he was spinning the thing like Jesus would. With all this tradition around me, (they also had gelt and several choice Hanukkah foods) I couldn't help, but consider how religious tradition is in and of itself far from being a real worldview, but many really don't understand a distinction exists. What I mean is my friends are Jewish in so far as they recognize all the holidays and understand much of the traditions... but know or believe very little about the worldview, as well, a worldview. It doesn't seem to truly work it's way into their lives...with regards to their day to day living and that pretty much sums up our culture. Religion, philosophy or a worldview is often just a small portion of a person's identity in post modern culture. Even though so contrary to what's implicitly suggested in the very term, worldview.

Anyway, I'm rambling on my thoughts again...

When the other guys arrived, Lauren left to hang out with the ladies...and we started our Texas Hold em' game... armed with Josh's New Poker chips (Purple and Orange; Phoenix Suns colours) and his new green felt table- with built in cup holders, great for ice cold beer :)

We talked our usual nonsense, making fun of one another at every possible point.
We laughed a great deal, had Burger King, got into some serious conversations regarding relationships, our futures, careers and the like... stepped outside and enjoyed the rain...and played until our eyes could hardly stay open. It had been a while since I got home at 3 am... but I really enjoyed it... Of course that meant saturday would be quite difficult...as my body doesn't seem to recover as quickly as it used to.

Saturday was dedicated to recording my other friend Josh (yeah I have a few Joshuas in my life). Cliff my old bandmate came over as well... following our session we had dinner... but after that I stayed in, feeling pretty exhausted.

Sunday was church, I slept in and made it to a later service... I sat next to a family who had 2 daughters. One of whom was probably about 6 or 7... she was adorable and kept starting at me... she made me smile...I must be getting old... it also made me really sad too... because I thought of Andrea and Maddie...

Following church I sat at a Starbucks that I hadn't been to in a long time... I was supposed to meet with one of the guys in my small group. He was quite late so I sat by myself for a while... I hadn't brought with me any books, so I found a corner of the cafe and sat observing people. Upon his arrival my small group friend and I talked a great deal about our longing and need for community... I'm not at liberty to talk about what he's been through...but his childhood looked vastly different from mine, or from most others. Interestingly enough though, his longings are similar to those of mine and everybody elses. We all feel so disconnected...so lost... we all just want to feel loved...and less alone.

Talking with my new friend really made me realize how much we as Christians really suck sometimes at being a church... We only prance around with the trappings of community... we think because a bunch of people are getting together once a week to sing songs and have a good time or because there are social events lining calendars, that we are a Christian community...but we forget the reaching out part... we don't really stop to get to know one another... a stranger...the outsiders, those who should most be reached out to. We don't do it like Jesus would. Jesus wasn't just trying to have a good time with his friends...he was always reaching out. I am very much guilty of this. People just want to be accepted and loved, invited to the movies, talked to, listend to, authentically cared about and I'm worried about how this person might not be my favorite person to talk to, or they're "weird" or not fun to be around... as if my having a good time is the most important thing...

I was grateful for the conversation...and I hope he learned half as much as I did. Afterwards, I headed over to Brad's and we hung out watching Miami Ink and talking about our next tattoos and how I'd like to marry a tattoo artist...

Rain is the rhythm of my song for you.

2007-12-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm at my desk after having just propped open the front door; it started to sprinkle and I wanted to feel somehow closer to the rain (without having to get wet).

Storm clouds rolled in late last night... It's mostly pale and grey outside...a brisk morning. A beautiful storm.

On rare ocassion the sun pokes through the thick blanket of dust and moisture leaving a momentary beam of gold, it shimmers, but for a second, bringing to life the dull sidewalk...and though a heavenly sight, it couldn't appear more out of place on a day as this.

I'm flooded by feelings... a vast array of them... but not one, too intensley... I have not the words...

Motionless like a stone.
Watching clouds drift along.
Gently, slowly, East to West
every soul, encircling...

With eyes closed,
every breathe on hold
To feel the world revolve.
Spinning, turning, carelessly
moving along in apathy.

Time: the cars that pass me by.

Patiently I wait for rain,
to soak the streets
and wash away the pain...

Soggy trees will dip
burdened with ladened leaves,
and oily puddles will fade
like weathered dreams.

As the dry storm clouds
after giving away
will quietly float on...
every season must change.

Like you and I
and what we've become.

The room is freezing now...but I'm burning up inside.

I wrote a song for you, there's nothing left for me to do.

I'm still afraid of hope...

2007-12-06T14:35:00.001-07:00

Dreams, by Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

"To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether."
-John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

and yet from my soul is an ever flowing well of desire...a spring of dreams.

Ebay

2007-12-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

This is pretty funny... I can't say I read it all, but the idea behind the whole situation made me laugh. And look at the bids! People are truly insane... although i think i'd take these over a grilled cheese sandwich with Jesus' face on it. :)

Check it out

just in case the hyperlink doesn't work:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675

Small Group

2007-12-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

So last Thursday, my small group met at Borders on 75th Ave and Bell. It was our first official meeting, it was brisk out, but we opted to meet outside, huddled around two round, aluminum tables pressed together, the chairs were terribly uncomfortable also having been created out of the light pliable metal. We spent several minutes shooting the breeze and introducing ourselves. Some shared a great deal, others not so much...but everyone showed up, which is a good sign.

I've never done anything like this, nor have I ever even been a part of a small group myself, so I really don't know what I'm doing :).

Nevertheless, we will be exploring a book together as one of our main tasks. I took the liberty of recommending two books to choose from.

The Journey of Desire, Eldredge (of course) and Searching for God Knows What, which I've spent some time talking about in recent blogs.

I copied 3 quotes from each book onto a single sheet of paper and had everyone spend a few moments reading through them. Then as a group, we discussed which book we wanted to work through in the coming months.

Earlier that day, as I was searching for "good" excerpts, I found it was quite easy with Donald Miller's book, and not so much with Elderedge... and by "good" excerpts I mean short paragraphs that captured the writing style as well as some of the main ideas of each writer, but in a concise and accurate manner... Both authors are great and either book has so much to offer... but they are essentially, so very different.

Miller is afforded more freedom I think, and his off beat humour is completely welcomed within the context of his topics, which I assumed would make his book more accessible to a group of college aged guys. While, Eldredge sets out to discuss a "weightier" concept if you will, namely of loss and disappointment. Miller weaves in and out of several ideas with ease and a bit more generality... while Eldredge is much more focused on one major theme, and so consequently, finding shorter quotes that might sum up Eldredge's core idea proved to be a challenge...interestingly enough, The Journey of Desire, is really best represented by a Journey... from cover to cover, the ideas are all deeply interconnected and each principle gradually leading to the next. For some reason I keep picturing a slinky, walking down a case of stairs, influenced by gravity, but also requiring each previous step to get to the next one...

Anyway, I was convinced that the guys would go with the former, but not because it was necessarily a better book, but based on my inability to represent each book with all fairness. To my suprise though, most everybody expressed more interest in Eldredge's, The Journey of Desire. Of course being a group of guys, we came to the decision in a matter of minutes :)

Since I realized we weren't going to be working through Miller's book, I read several pages of Searching For..., to the group. Yes, I read to a group of grown men, in public. We spent some time discussing some of the significant ideas presented by Miller and I got a glimpse of where each person was in terms of their respective journey's, but just a glimpse. Human dynamics are so interesting, complicated and yet beautiful.

Much to my satisifaction, after all was said and done, we stuck around for sometime, just hanging out, which I believe will prove to be an integral part of what we're trying to do with this group. I observed a mixture of excitement, uncertainty, deep wounds and paper cuts, questions, answers, struggles, flaws, strengths, hopes and dreams and hopelessness...but from everyone, a real longing that only Christ alone can fill...

Meatloaf Monday

2007-12-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Quiet day at the store. I did some reading and then went across to street to Safeway for a minute to pick up lunch. I stood in line at the express check out (9 items or less) with the following:

1 Safeway brand meatloaf (so bad, but so good)
1 Loaf of Bread (wheat to make myself feel better about the meatloaf)
1/2 lbs of Deviled egg, potato salad (pure yummy)
1 bag of Cesear Salad (fiber)
1 Bottle of Mayonnaise (squeezable containter because it makes life so much easier)

I have to report it was pretty delicious. This particular meal against the cold afternoon made me think a bit about December of last year. Obviously things have changed so dramatically since then...

We were still able to employ Mr. Bill then and we had a great deal of fun together. One day, Bill ran off to get us lunch... He returned with a smirk on his face and several bags bearing the Safeway logo. With the enthusiasm of a 7 year old on Christmas morning, he pulled out the above items, plus a case of what he called "DP" (dr. pepper). It was the first time I had ever had a "meatloaf sandwich," but not the last. We made it a tradition...from then on out... in celebration of when business was rampant...or as a means of drowning our sorrows during the slow months... we consumed quite a bit of this grocery store delicacy. I haven't had any of course for several months, that is until today... I miss Bill.

The weekend came and went in a flash, I spent most of it working... A friend of mine, a singer/songwriter wanted to do some recordings, so I'm helping him out.

It's strange to find myself in a sort of mentorship role... He had so many questions about everything...and I recall a time when I was where he currently is. There's much I miss about those days... when I was interning at Dream Catcher Recording in Mesa... Everything seemed so overwhelming at the time and I wondered how I would ever learn the ins and outs of recording music. I was 19 when I started that...

Tim and I were just talking about how the last few years have been such a blur...

I spent sometime looking through job classifieds today. Specifically within the music industry and entertainment industry. There are some internship programs I might be interested in, of course they are in Hollywood or New York... and I have to be enrolled in school... so I'll have to consider that. I also spent some time looking at the Berklee School of Music, in Boston. They have a unique program for contemporary music with degrees in music business, songwriting/composition, publishing, performance and much much more... but it's all geared towards contemp styles like Jazz, Pop and Rock... they have a neat Alumni list.

Somedays I'm perfectly fine with where I'm at... with regards to not knowing what I'm supposed to do with my life, in specific terms. But on days as these, I get pretty anxious... Vanauken, In A Severe Mercy talks about time. About how we can't escape the reality of it. How we carry this constant pressure of the clock ticking away... and I think that provides some of my anxiety... reality is, i'm not 19 anymore...though I wish I were :) So I do feel like I need to figure some things out, sooner than later... but of course that's what I'd very much like... so for now I wait.

Winter night

2007-12-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

The rain was so beautiful. The cold even more so... It feels like winter now, fully, but winter in a distant place.

I stepped outside this evening to have a smoke... and the clouds had cleared a substantial path up above... and I could see stars and a reddish planet in the deep blue heavens.
Both belt and Warrior were enormous, stretching across the darkly skies... leaving but a small corner for a shimmering ladle and a cluster of stray diamonds...

but as hard as i looked I couldn't find Cassiopeia...not without you here to point her out for me... I sat until i could no longer feel my finger tips... i waited because i've lost my way...

Certainly uncertain

2007-11-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

I was blessed with another beautiful, overcast morning. It is under these conditions that I seem to come to life in some unexplainable way. There was a time when I disliked sunny days, it was always too bright for my eyes so as a default I welcomed today's conditions, but I don't necessarily feel that way any more. Lately, I prefer the clouds because here in Arizona, they are a pure novelty... people love the novel. With a small stretch of the imagination I can imagine I'm somewhere, well anywhere but here... perhaps Seattle, I've always wanted to head that way.

Nearing the end of Donald Millers book, I picked up a new one this weekend. It's one that was recommended to me by Tracey titled, A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. I like the sound of his last name, it's kind of fun to say aloud, try it.

Now to say this is a "good" book would be like calling Monet's Water Lillies, "pretty." Not only a gross understatement, it just wouldn't be quite accurate. I think C.S. Lewis makes a similar distinction in his Abolition of Man, where he quotes a comment Samuel Colderidge made regarding proper adjectives used to depict a waterfall. Although descriptions may appear purely subjective, perhaps some are closer to the truth than others.

Honestly, I haven't been able to put the book down. It's brought me laughter, heart ache and tears, to feeling warm and fuzzy, to places of deep reflection. It's a memoir, so it's non fiction, but truly reads like a grand novel. Vanauken is an intelligent writer, interweaving great moments of truth, with creative story telling and poetry. This book is a love story, a conversion story, a story about immense loss and ultimate surrender, a story about life.

I'll have to dedicate a blog to some of the ideas, but perhaps at a later time.

At the moment, I just have so much going on in my head, in my soul... I want to put words to it, but I don't know really where to begin.

I feel ok. Perhaps quite restless and completely disconnected... but in some strange way, I feel comfortable with that. I feel like a drifter, though I live in surroundings almost too familiar to me at times. I feel liberated from neediness, though on any given day I may fall on my knees on numerous occasions. I feel free even though I fight a constant threat of being closed in...And though I deeply long for community, I am also becoming ok with allowing the longing to be left unfulfilled, In some ways I feel a strange freedom from others.

This is not to say I don't appreciate my friendships, I just don't need a group of people surrounding me to give me a false sense of worth... I don't need to be everybody's favorite person, life isn't a political campaign, and to borrow from Donald Miller, a lifeboat or a circus.

At the end of the day, I feel that I am at least nearly doing the best I can with the cards I've been dealt... and I must find contentment in what I have and also in that which I don't (of course i'm not talking about literal possesions). Everybody is dealt a hand in this life...and I'm learning we all have our own unique situations, different destinies, realities...and these are in turn influenced by a number of other factors (who we are) which only provides more possible cards in the deck. (I realize I could define this more succinctly but I'm choosing to remain somewhat ambiguous intentionally.)

When all is said and done we have to be ok with our place in life we have to be ok with life, our lives... I must do life, I must do my life. It may not in anyway reflect the reality of another, at least in specific terms, but it's what I have.

Heights nor depths

2007-11-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

I ran into the phrase "heights and depths" a couple times today. Once during my Quiet time this morning and then again in a book I'm reading, but the idea didn't fully affect me until I was driving home from a delivery this evening...

Life is filled with a good degree of both. I can start on a mountain top in the morning and feel like I'm lost in a valley by early afternoon... the inverse occurs equally as often.

During my long commute home from East Mesa (it's amazing how enormous this city is) I had a thought in passing that it really is something to know that neither Heights nor depths can separate us from His love.

I am consistently inconsistent. I waiver daily. I doubt, I struggle with each passing hour. I feel immense highs and severe lows...and everything in between each and every day. Somedays I truly desire to lay down my life in serving others for His name sake, others I simply want to lay down my life so I don't have to face another moment... in spite of this topsy turvy, whirlwind, roller coaster ride i call my existence... through my endless fears, my doubts, successes and failures, joys and perils, my angels and my demons, in my darkest hour...God is with me. Sometimes very apparently, other times almost too distantly... yet He remains.

I have nothing without you...

I wish I could say I'm doing well. but I think i'm just barely getting by. I wish I could say that life was grand, but it isn't, it's mostly disappointing and discouraging and wearing me thin.

But nothing, nothing can separate me from His tender love, His beauty, His mercy... for that, I will give thanks. For that I offer a song of praise.

blessed are the broken in spirit, for they shall be comforted...

wow blog, continued....

2007-11-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

Continuing the discussion...

Miller in subsequent chapters adds:

A child learns early there is a fashionable and an unfashionable in the world, an ugly and a pretty, a valued and an unvalued. Where this system comes from, God only knows, but it is rarely questioned, and though completely illogical and agreed upon by everyone as evil, it remains in play... And here is what is terrible: There will be a sort of punishment being dealt to those at the end of the line, each person dealing out castigation as a way of dissociation from the geeks, driven by the fear that associating with somebody at the end of the line might cost them position...

This really touched a nerve with me.

See it's quite apparent in grade school. There is a system with clear boundaries that separates the cool with the uncool, the attractive and the unattractive...we have all had our share of experiences...regardless of what side of the spectrum we belonged too...

The thing is, I am forced to ask myself at this moment...how much of this is still going on in my life today, albeit in more subtle ways? Are we still in such a system?

Association vs. Disassociation.

The author states that we associate with those on the upper end of the scale and disassociate with those on the lower for fear of it hurting our "position..."

Now let me take an honest look at how this might play out in real life...

Being nice to a homeless person and spending time with someone less fortunate...well that's almost easy. People will only perceive you as an altruist, and think highly of you for helping and associating with the homeless or less fortunate. I wonder though about the socially akward, or the person that nobody likes to be around, the "unatrractive," the outcast I think that's a truer example. Am I not to some level inhibitied because I'm afraid of what people will think about me based on my association with them? Sure one part of it is that I might not greatly enjoy my time with someone I and others think of as a "weirdo," but maybe there remains a part of me that is afraid of my "position" in this invisible, social hierachical chain. Because I myself want to be valued, loved, thought of highly by others, my friends, family, and complete strangers. I am concerned about my place in this system... because what these people think and say about me (the people also in the system) defines me and my value.

Miller writes:

Here are some of the things the alien pointed out to Grant and me, you know about how to be loved on earth.

1) Slam Dunking a basketball
2) Good looks
3) Intelligence
4) Wealth
5) Rightness

He expanded on each of those points, but I think you get the jist from the list.

Lifeboat theory? Miller expands on the discussion with these words:

When I was in elementary school my teacher, Mrs. Wunch, asked our class a question that I've come back to about a million times, trying to figure out the answer: If there were a lifeboat adrift at sea, and in the lifeboat were a male lawyer, a female doctor, a crippled child, a stay-at-home mome, and a garbageman, and one person had to be thrown overboard to save the others, which person would we choose? I don't remember which person we threw out of the boat. I think it came down to the lawyer, but I do remember however, that the class did not hesitate in deciding who had value and who didn't. The idea that all people are equal never came up...

I wanted to feel what it would be like to explain to everybody else in a lifeboat why I shouldn't be thrown over board. The reason I wanted to feel this was because I wondered if those emotions, the emotions you would feel in a lifeboat, were anything like the feelings we all feel when we are living our lives, just hanging out at the house or going to the grocery store. The thing is, if people are in a lifeboat, the reason they feel passaionately about being a good person and all is because if they aren't they are going to be thrown overboard; they are going to be killed...when you really think about it, these wants we have, like wanting to be right, wanting to be good, wanting to be perceived as humble, wanting to be important to be people and wanting to be loved, feel perilous, as though by not getting them something terrible is going to happen. People wouldn't get upset about being disrespected if there weren't some kind of penalty at play.

How much of my actions, the way I relate to people, talk to people, the clothes I wear, the words I use, the things i purchase, things I do and the way that I do them...is influenced by this fear of being thrown out of the lifeboat? How much of it is about my self worth, about receving validation from others? Don't I want to be perceived as Intelligent? Attractive? Charming? Kind? Generous? Strong? Humourous? Whether from those closest to me or complete strangers...And when I feel that I have not received such positive feedback from others how does it make me feel...? Pretty worthless at times...other imperfect, fundamentally insecure people dictate to me my very value...

Just some thoughts...but sure to be continued...

wow

2007-11-15T10:20:00.001-07:00

What a beautiful morning it is. I woke up as usual, showered and then sat in my chair. I have this tacky, red velvety chair inherited from my dad. He had it before we became a part of his family and we've kept it through the years. Of course my mom changed most of his house around when it became their house..but this item somehow survived through the years. I can't seem to part with it, I mean it's not even comfortable and it's bulky and tall and has an unsightly dark brown frame, but it's a chair that reminds me of our old house, the house I grew up in and when we used to do things as a family. Once upon a time, when my dad was still full of life... when he was passionate about life, and painted, took photographs, when we'd take trips to the lake...

i love that chair.

I often sit in it to do my quiet time in the morning, or just sit and ponder and it's set up right beside my bedroom window. My bedroom looks out from the second floor of the house, I enjoy the elevated view even if it's of a suburban neighborhood in which every house looks identical. Anyway, this morning I was pleasantly suprised to see the skies were dark and grey, filled with clouds... The drive to work was exhilirating, I blared music with my windows rolled down and found comfort in the cold, wintry air... and I felt God. Today was a day that He had specifically crafted... each intricate detail the work of His hands- the temperature, the scents, the colours, the clouds... my soul.

So I'm wrapping up the last few pages of Miller's book, Searching For God Knows What. Like Miller's other works, it is a written in a very accesible way, and some might consider his style to be sophmoric or what have you, but I think he expresses some significant ideas here... I've been pondering some of them the last couple of days, one major string of concepts in particular has grabbed my attention.

See the main concept of Miller's book, to give you a little context, is that we seek our value and self worth in other people. This is no radical idea, but I really don't think people give it much thought.

At least for me, this is true. See I didn't realize the extent of how much the opinions of others determined my self worth, or if I did, I didn't see it as necessarily being a problem. I always told myself, "we all want to be loved and accepted and appreciated" and left it at that...without seeing the imperative.

In one chapter, Miller imagines being an alien who comes down to earth and sits with him and his roommate Grant. The author thinks an alien might make some observations about our "normal" ways of life, with some objectivity i suppose. He writes (in alien voice):

But after I got over all of this and sat down to have a beer with some people, really finding out what they were interested in, what they loved and hated, there would be one thing I would notice that would kind of explain everything. And by everything, I mean all the stuff that makes a person want to live his life a certain way or the stuff that drives a person's thoughts... I told Grant that I would say to the head alien, "The thing that defines human personalities is that they are constantly comparing themselves to one another." That is how an alien would see the world, in my opinion It is obvious to me there is something wrong with us; there is something incomplete.

Miller carries on this imaginary pow wow with his roomate Grant and the alien. They are watching the Trailblazers game on t.v. and the alien just can't understand why 20,000 people go to see who the better team is. They flip through shows like Rank, that ranks people based on their physical features, and Survivor, The Bachelor, Fear factor...etc. All of course have similar themes... comparing people... comparing their value, worth...

More on this later...so stay tuned.

Monday

2007-11-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

Recently having finished the books that I've previously mentioned in this blog... I found a strange void this weekend. I don't know how people go without literature... So I went to Borders last night and picked up a couple new writings.

Searching for GOD knows What, by Donald Miller and A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.
I started on the former today...and read a great deal of it. I enjoy Miller's writing style, although I think he tends to meander at times on tangents- which i realize is part of his charm for some. Not so much with this reader. I think I like his authenticity, he writes with a hint of hopeful cynicism and quirky humor that I can relate to and presents ideas of Christianity in a very accessible way that I really appreciate. In the 70 or so pages I got through, he's been talking about his own journey in evaluating his concept of the nature of God. I've been hearing that theme a great deal lately and it's one that's definitely been hitting home for me. As I struggle each day to evaluate my own thoughts on who God really is. Sometimes it seems simply absurd to even begin to pontificate on such an enormous entity as the Alpha and Omega... sometimes it seems pointless... but through and through it is the most significant pursuit...

That sentence had to end there... I had more typed in an attempt to clarify this thought I had in my mind, but it didn't seem quite fitting...

I hope by saying less, I expressed much more...

This weekend proved to be quite difficult for me. I woke up this morning feeling like I hardly wanted to stick around...I'm just being real honest. I wanted to run away, flee this town, flee the country and every thing and everyone that was familiar to me... I wanted to flee life itself. As I sat at the store in the morning, I started reading Miller's book. And it spoke to me... it comforted me not because it's full of enormous revelations although I think he has some great ideas... it was more like someone sitting next to me at a coffee shop...listening to my heart and telling me they felt the same way I did... and left it at that. Quiet validation. I just felt less alone.

It was a long day of work...and I'm home now. Fighting, but mostly ok. I can't help feeling like an enormous mess of a person in many regards. I downloaded a few songs recently that incidentally had similar themes, both writers in their own words expressing an anxiety about God finding them once again where they started... I fear that at times myself. God found me years ago in a very dark place...and I've come quite a ways... but it lurks over me at times...this fear that I might fall again.

Church was interesting this Sabbath. I learned this church does communion every week...and I really like that idea. When you consider it was a command from Christ himself the night he was arrested... I don't think we can do it often enough, really.

How amazing would it be if every time a group of believers got together...whether for a social event or a service...or just to hang out... we participated in communion...just spent a few moments remembering what He did for us...I think that was the idea...just a thought.

Today I had a rockstar in my store. No not me... :) David Ellefson. I know didn't ring a bell for me either, but he was really famous at one time. He was a founding member and bassist for Megadeth. They were huge at one time... anyway his wife has been coming to my store for a couple weeks now...I just had no idea she was married to a metal god. He was a neat guy and didn't play up who he was or anything like that... and I appreciated that. If it were me I'd probably be extremely proud...because i'm flawed and insecure like that.

Oh, the second book I got sounds quite profound. I guess that kind of goes with out saying since it was penned by C.S. Lewis. Although Victoria told me it might not be the best time for me to read something so heart wrenching. Lewis wrote that book as he dealt with the loss of his wife.

The other day Tracey and I were talking about relationships and she stated a very obvious but profound thought...actually it was the way she said it that struck a cord with me. She said that every single relationship would one day be broken in my life... in all our lives. I have shared that idea with many others when expressing the idea that only God can be our center...because relationships would fail us...inevitably...but the way she put it was in some ways more tangible...and focused the attention on loss as the incurable existential dilemma... it was jarring and made me gasp for air. Take a moment to think about it.

Also, going back to Donald Miller's book again for a moment I have to mention an idea that he has regarding modern Christianity. He takes several pages to state how we often look to the bible as if it contained a simple formula... like if we follow a few steps then we'll be sure to succeed in life and gain riches and live a wonderful life. God becomes our magic genie in a bottle... the bible reduced to a chart...I really like this observation. Instead, Miller offers that we risk losing when we take this approach. The bible is God communicating to us in the richness of language and literature. It is God relating to us. I would add that the bible isn't a quick how to get what you want... rather a deep explanation of what it means to live... i mean really live...

The bible is God communicating to us what it actually means and looks like to live in a dying world... as eternal beings, in a temporary life, in a temporary, wretched body, in light of His holiness and in light of the life to come. Worship.

The mystery of divine personality...

2007-11-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

An Excerpt from James Stewart (The Strong Name)

He was the meekest and lowliest of all the sons of men. Yet he spoke of coming on the clouds of heaven with the glory of God. He was so austere that evil spirits and demons cried out in terror at his coming, yet he was so genial and winsome and approachable, that the children loved to play with him and the little ones nestled in his arms. His presence at the innocent gaiety of a village wedding, was like the presence of sunshine. No one was half so kind or compassionate to sinners, yet no one ever spoke such red-hot scorching words about sin.

A bruised reed he would not break. His whole life was love. Yet on one occasion he demanded of the Pharisees, how they were expected to escape the damnation of hell.

He was a dreamer of dreams and a seer of visions, yet for sheer stark realism, he has all of us self-styled realists soundly beaten. He was the servant of all, washing the disciples' feet, yet masterfully he strode into the temple, and the hucksters and moneychangers fell over one another to get away in their mad rush from the fire they saw blazing in his eyes. He saved others, yet at the last, he himself did not save. There is nothing in history like the union of contrasts which confronts us in the gospels; the mystery of Jesus is the mystery of divine personality.

A reminder...

2007-10-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

My favorite customer... is an older lady in her late 60's named Marilyn.

She's not hip or charismatic, vocationally successful or wealthy... like a few of the other clients that i enjoy... but she's easily my favorite.

Marilyn is a Coloradan, transplanted here this year to take care of her aging Aunt and Uncle. Truth be told I hardly took notice of her when she first started coming to my store... but one day i sat next to the bed she was laying on and we began to chat.

She's been through quite a bit in her life... her husband one day left her... and more recently a man that she thought was someone God brought into her life... did the same... She misses home a lot... but realizes there would be nobody to take care of her Aunt and Uncle so she's sacrificed her life in many ways. Marilyn is a Christian and it's quite apparent. She feels pretty alone at times...

She enjoys listening to a "young person" so excited about God... so she says. :) I talk her ear off and she attentively listens... and thanks me for sharing... i often thank her for listening...

In the middle of our conversations, I'll have this thought that it's so amazing how God can bring two people from entirely different walks...together like this... and how He can use that to mutually encourage us... Another thing I realize is just how much people generally have in common... when she talks to me about her recent heart break she expresses feelings that i know very well... i also like the idea that she still has all these emotions... and then i'm a bit embarrassed at myself for being a little surprised by this fact... she's old, not dead.

She came in today feeling pretty exhausted and worn... i couldn't help but tell her: "he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed..." i think that's in Proverbs...i'll be praying for her to get an opportunity to go home to her family for Thanksgiving...though she says it's looking slim.

I guess we never really know how God will speak to us. Today it was Marilyn who through her own troubles... took the time to listen...and care and bless me. God used her to encourage me... Yesterday it was Tracey.

At the moment, I am thankful. I am thankful for the people God has brought into my life... in a time when it is difficult to remember His Presence...He reminds me that's He's still around... I am thankful that these people cared enough to do their part...

may I be this type of a person to others... a reminder of God's presence... is there really any greater purpose or calling to our lives?

Wandering

2007-10-28T19:23:00.001-07:00

What a long week it's been.

I had a draining week...it's astonishing when i consider the amount of happenings that can occur in that relatively small space between the ears... a seemingly infinite galaxy exists...it's often a smokey battlefield... of course the heart as we often euphemistically refer to it as plays an enormous role as well. sometimes i wish both organs were merely anatomical. physiology is easier to deal with, less abstract at least. Each day of this week, i wrestled with myself, with the enemy, with a world i can't seem to understand and though I refuse to lose, by the end I was simply exhausted.

where's the soul i wanna know?

I spent friday night and most of saturday locked up in a recording studio... I really had to make myself do it...and during the session yesterday a piece of my equipment crapped out on me... I thought, "are you kidding me?" Nevertheless, I drove down to guitar center and picked up a new unit because I was determined to proceed. Did i mention I nailed my little toe right into the wall also? It bled and swelled and caused me a good amount of grief...but again I was very intent on finishing my project... and so i kept on... until my throat was raw and it literally hurt to swallow... 8 hours of singing...sweating...and working... and i loved it.

in some ways i really felt more like myself this weekend than i have in months...and i needed it i think.

The apologetics thing on Wednesday went pretty well I believe... again i didn't feel quite prepared because my partner in the venture had a rough week as well... so i did what i could... this time it was very low tech (as opposed to hi tech) and i just really...talked to the attendees... and felt more in my element... at some point i really started to lose the nervousness i get from public speaking... i felt like myself, just communicating...and that was neat.

Today, i helped Brad move out of his broken house... my soar and achy arms tell me that i'm much too out of shape... i can't believe how much furniture he has...

it was a big day of transition...

change, change...change is everywhere, and all the time. as surely as the world revolves...with precise consistency...so our lives revolve, dissolve in some cases...and then evolve.

Time it tells us what we're left with...

We attended a new church today, suffice it to say it was Good. My initial impulse is to say that "I enjoyed it," but i've been trying to shy away from using that sort of trite terminology when referring to church sermons, services and the like. Often times we talk about a worship service as we do a movie we just viewed... with an equal amount of irreverence.. "i liked it," "i didn't like it..." we forget that the word of God has been spoken...that people have gathered to seek God.

Of course the sermon today was on relationships... a real part of me thought, "oh great like i'm interested in one of those..." nevertheless, I listened attentively.

At some point I felt a little hope for the future... Truth of the matter is I might one day be married, I might not... But, should my life bring me to a partner some day I do really desire to be the best husband i can be... i want to learn from the million mistakes i've made in my life time... equally as imperative is that i learn from the mistakes and successes of others... the author who spoke today had some very insightful, relevant and practical things to say about the differences between men and women... she conducted extensive surveys for her book and shared many of the findings with us this morning...

I think we'll attend this church again next week. Though I hope to get plugged in to a home church eventually, for the moment i don't mind the search...

I feel at ease, wandering...

Carpe Diem

2007-10-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm home now...it's a little late and I should start thinking about bed, but there's caffeine in my system compliments of starbucks at 59th and T-bird, plus I haven't been sleeping well as of late. It was a quiet day... this morning I drove my car on fumes and had it actually coughing as I rolled into the gas station... after I filled up and headed off to work I can't tell you how thankfull i was at that moment for something as simple as a full tank of gas.

I've been thinking more about gratitude lately... how it goes hand in hand with seizing the day. It's virtually impossible to live in the moment without appreciation... Last night during prayer I simply thanked God for two functioning legs and arms, a sound mind, eyes that could experience the vibrant colours of life... ears that could receive music... family, friends... shelter...my salvation... all the things i take for granted so often, the smell of fall.

At this point in my life it's difficult to look to the future... i am still just scared to hope because i'm scared of disappointment... and the past is mixed at best...with as many sorrows as fond memories... plus, even the good times cannot again be retrieved... I can look to the distant future beyond the few measily years ahead to the eternal... but anything less of that makes me anxious... so i look to the finer details of each day... the small moments and things that are beautiful... the things i tend to miss quite easily... this is my best attempt at living more in the moment.

today it was gasoline in my truck, my imperfect family, the beauty of the skies in my rear view mirror as i drove into the setting sun this evening... seeing God work in my friend, an international phone call, the feeling of cold...

I know eventually I will hope and dream again....and i know i will again face disappointments, that's life. but for now... i'm ok with the details... counting my bite sized blessings...

i might not be laughing to the point of tears right now, but there is beauty in a soft, understated smile...

Broken by Lifehouse

2007-10-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight.
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time...

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts.
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out.

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart,
That's still beating.
In the pain
There is healing.
In Your name
I find meaning.
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to You...

The broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head.
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead...

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes.
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life...

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, You will throw my way.
And I'm hanging on, to the words You say
You said that I will, will be okay...

The broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone.
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home.

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart
That's still beating...
In the pain
There is healing.
In Your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on...

Barely holding on to You...

Just venting

2007-10-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

An interesting week it's been... I had some rough moments...and in the end found God again...and again... in varying ways. He doesn't always speak to us in the ways we'd like Him to...or in ways we expect...in fact i think that's most often the case...but He's around...nevertheless.

Today was a bit of a challenge... I fought off boredom at the store and felt pretty alone for most of the day. It was a long work day due to a delivery after i closed shop... but i'm getting used to the work schedule...which worries me a bit. I used to be so discontented with working at 9-5... it was the artistic, free spirit within that disliked the idea of a shirt and tie. but what are you gonna do?

I talked to my mom tonight... and it made me pretty sad. She was talking about my dad aging... he'll be 70 years old on monday... that's about as old as some of my friends grandparents. My mom was talking about what she would do financially if he should pass... i hate that topic... but it's one that we must deal with i suppose.

I know i'd take care of my mom... there are no two ways about it... I'm just not sure how my life will look then... it still shakes me at times to think that my life might turn out nothing like i once imagined it to be... i guess i'm ok with it. This life is so temporary...i have to remind myself of that daily.

In the closing chapters of "The Journey of Desire," Elderedge continues to discuss the idea that we cannot arrange for life here on earth... not arbitrarily at least. But that's so difficult a concept, really. We almost can't help ourselves..at every turn I attempt to arrange for life as I see fit... from the minute frivolous details to the major... everyday i try to make the life i desire...

I still don't know what i'm going to do with my life...

The couple i delivered a bed to tonight was watching their grand daughter...i guessed her age to be 3 and I was correct. Her name was Caitlin, and her grandparents described her as quite precocious... but she was pretty adorable and made me smile... i must be getting old...

Life is really difficult... i never grow weary of saying that...because it's so true.

I don't like the thought of my dad passing away...but i know it's inevitable.

He's going in on monday to get followup CT scan because in the last one the doctors thought they saw something on his liver... so prayers would be much appreciated...

i've been quite fortunate overall to have 2 loving parents for much of my life...
i'm just not sure that i'm anywhere near ready to losing one of them... life is short...it's a fragile child... a delicate menagerie... a feather, a spider web... a sunset.

I have had my share of struggles this year... mostly emotional battles of disappointments and heart break... broken hopes... and i've been dealing...God has been seeing me through and speaking to me...

but today... if i'm real honest...i just felt tired of fighting.

i still need God to show up each day... i need Him so desperately. i guess there's beauty in that.

i'll close this entry with a sincere thank you to my dear friends, you know who you are...who have been here for me in your own ways, the best that you could.

Feeling pretty average

2007-10-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the apologetics session for Young life. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. I got caught up at work and so wasn't as prepared as i would have liked to be... I was the last person to arrive...which is obviously a bad sign. i got stuck running copies (handouts for the evening), having to run home to grab my stereo for part of the presentation...then i hit traffic which moved slower than molasses... even an ambulance that backed the street for 3 blocks... not to mention my "check engine" light coming on during my commute... seriously all that happened tonight...

I was pretty nervous because I don't love public speaking... it was noticeable... and it's difficult to communicate effectively when you're noticeable nervous... people feel uncomfortable so they really can't pay attention to what it is your saying... the nervousness went away after a few minutes... when I realized that i mostly knew what i was talking about... the technical difficulties were pretty frustrating because i had worked pretty hard on a power point presentation... it was a neat concept anyway.

Very little went as planned tonight... but at least i know what to expect for next Wednesday. I like the idea of improving on my public speaking...because i've never really been comfortable with it. i want to stretch and grow... so i welcome the challenge with open arms.

Club was ok tonight... i enjoyed the worship. I met a couple more guys for my small group... one of them seems to be quite personable and bright...more importantly he seems to "get it" spiritually...at least that was my first impression after a short conversation... so it might be a premature call... if i'm right, he should work to help balance out some of the other guys i'll have...
we'll see. I'm having second thoughts about small groups... but i'm gonna give it a shot anyway... in an attempt to make the title of this entry clearer i'll end it with this quote:

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events and small discuss minds people." -Eleanor Roosevelt

My lament

2007-10-15T20:17:00.001-07:00

I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord at night I stretched out untiring hands, but my soul refused to be comforted...

I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?

Then I thought, to this I will appeal:

The years of the right hand of the Most high. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes I will remember your miracles of long ago, I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds...

Somewhere In between

2007-10-12T03:54:00.000-07:00

by Lifehouse

I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing...

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head, but underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy...

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again.
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this...

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream...