About Me

Phoenix, AZ, United States

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Letting go.

She opened herself up to me after much resistance... she hurt me quite often...and I kept trying to change her. I was critical at times, I regret that so deeply... she remained guarded... through and through.

To break up with me, she tried on numerous occassions, said it would never work... I guess she knew better than I at the time...but I always talked her out of it... I knew all the right things to say. I was addicted to her...and her to me.
I just couldn't let go.

Amazing doesn't begin to describe her.

She hurt me more than anybody ever has. I hurt her more than I had earned the right to. We couldn't let each other go...even though we had decided it was for the best... we clung to each other... against all reason... it felt so good to hold her in my arms, her head nestled in my neck... we'd talk for hours... she was beautiful.

I didn't love her baby like she wanted me to...I couldn't commit, because I was so scared, so lost... and confused... I just knew they deserved so much more than me, so much more than my uncertainty. I hated myself for that...

I thought one day I might learn to... but couldn't ask her to wait around for maybe. I always knew...they deserved more... I was waiting...hoping I could become so much more. I miss the pair... more than I had ever imagined... reminders of what I lost come to me all too often.

She didn't call anymore... and then suddenly she said, we couldn't be friends... she'd moved on... and I should as well, but she refused to talk to me... only text messages. It has been sometime since I've heard her voice.

I couldn't breathe that day... and though time has past, at moments I still feel that way. I'm not sure of who she's become... but it seems the warmth of her heart has grown calloused and grey... and to some extent, I have myself to blame. A Redeemer we both need in a desperate way.

You see, last night she broke me again... armed with harsh words, some horrible things to say... though they weren't spoken aloud, they echoed in my head...i tossed and i turned trying to make sense of it all...

it's time to let go.

I don't know when we were broken...

two young lovers walking hand in hand,
'round the man made lake
at our favorite coffee plant.
I counted the stars to give them to you
you smiled in the night and faded the moon.
but nothing it seems remains anymore
nothing of us, nothing i fear...

but with effort I still remember, my dear...
our love was once true and our hearts were so near.
and nothing in life will take that away,
not distance, nor time nor your searing words yesterday...

And when years have long gone...
and only strangers, we've become...
a simple truth will always remain:

We were at one time...important to one another.

To this I'll cling when all memories i've lost
and remember your laughter, when the days are long...

always praying for you... and letting go.

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